Friday, April 27, 2007

And the beat goes on...

Dear Husband,

My dear, I just love you to little bitty pieces. You are my sun and my moon and all that crap.

It would be really super, sweetheart, if I ever saw you.

Somehow I think that actually, you know, physically seeing someone might be the key to a happy marriage. I’m uncertain if there are any studies to this effect, but I can check on the internet if you’d like.

I understand/respect/appreciate how busy you are and how hard you work. Honest and true, I really, really do get it. I could spend weeks and months and years telling you how glad I am that you actually have a job and that I know that some men don’t get off their lazy butts and work and it’s cool that you are not one of those people who act like that. That I know you really are dedicated to your work and your employees and that you really want what is best for everyone. I love that about you, honestly I do.

But honey? I need you to come home.

I need you to be at soccer games and karate class and end of the year award ceremonies. I need you to help with homework sometimes (especially when it’s math. You know I suck at math!). I need you to sit on the couch and watch television with me. I need to wake up at 2am and know you will be beside me, not frantically working on paperwork or stressing out, smoking cigarette after cigarette because you are so bummed about work-related issues.

I need for you to be able to get to a point in your work that you can say, “This is good enough,” and then come home.

I miss you. There is also the potential for dirty things to happen, should you, you know, be here.

Your wife

Dear person who thinks I am their friend and really, I can take them or leave them, who is pregnant,

Despite my glaring faults in regards to personal fertility, I have managed to be happy for you and your ever growing fetus.

However? Most of the time, I want to smack you unconscious.

While I understand that smacking a pregnant woman unconscious is not only mean, it’s possibly against the law in this state, I still have the strong desire to do so because of your constant whining and complaining regarding this pregnancy.

Sweetheart, everyone gains weight while they are pregnant. Seriously. I promise. You have a person inside your stomach. Did you really think that this person would not take up any room in there? You weigh like, twelve. There has to be somewhere for this kid to go and he can’t grow inside your leg or something. It has to be in your stomach and therefore, your stomach has to expand. Didn’t you take health in sixth grade?

Also, this is not the 1800’s and women who are pregnant really have no cause to lie around like third base. I promise, swear to you, friend who is not on bed rest and has had a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy, you will not physically keel over and die if you have to get your own glass of water. Really. I am willing to pinkie swear on this subject, that is the level of confidence I have in the statement I just made.

In addition, while I sincerely do appreciate your focus on natural childbirth and not having an epidural and whatnot, I really don’t think it’s necessary to advise a lady you have never even met that she was an “idiot” for having an epidural. I really thought she might bitchslap you and frankly, I probably would have just let you fall down at that point. It is not your business to dictate the birth plans of other women. It’s just not. Yes, you can do your own research, and yes you can make your own decision regarding the subject, but really, forcing your ideas on random people you meet on the job-site? I just wouldn’t advise that. Especially to that big old girl from Tennessee that you were spouting off to. I really think she could have taken you.

I also need to let you know that no matter how many books you read and no matter how knowledgeable you are on the subject? You have no idea what you will do until it is staring you in the face.

Also? Given the fact that you are so lazy you can’t walk six feet and get your own glass of water and that you complain when you have to carry two paperback books to your car? I’m just not sure you are the kind of woman who can endure a birth without any painkillers. Because, again, clearly you have not had sixth grade health class so I feel it’s my duty to inform you that the baby? It’s actually going to come out of your vagina. And since that hole is really small and the baby is not going to be so small? It’s probably going to hurt pretty bad. At some point you might shout for God and Jesus, that’s how bad it’s going to be. So just, you know, keep that in mind before you get all uppity about not wanting drugs. Okay?

As a final note? I’m totally nominating your husband for Sainthood. He deserves it for putting up with your nonsense. I guess I’ll have to look up the Pope’s phone number or whatever.

Love or whatever,

Dear People who use the internet to be anonymous bullies:

Get a freaking life for the love of God and Baby Jesus.

That Chick

Dear bladder,

For Lord’s sakes, could you knock it off?


Dear period,

Go to hell and die.

Thanks much!

Dear little girls in my Brownie Troop,

I love you girls.

You are brilliant, wonderful, funny, sweet, and beautiful people. I’m going to tell you a secret that maybe your mom’s have not yet told you.

Your life can be so much better than this. There is more to life than this.

You don’t have to grow up and marry someone when you are seventeen just because you feel like you need something to do. You don’t. You can go to college. You can get a job. You can write books about wonderful things and far-off places. You can live anywhere on this planet that you want to live. You can support yourself and buy your own house.

You don’t have to do anything with a boy to make him like you. If he doesn’t like already, then he’s not worth your time anyway.

It is normal and natural for you to have a stomach. Normal women do not have stomachs which are concave. It is not normal, or pretty, to look like you are starving to death. Don’t ever let any television program or magazine make you believe it is.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you, “You can’t”. Don’t ever let anyone tell you, “Girls can’t”. I have seen you in action and you can. I know that you can.

Do not be like me, at seventeen, and believe that there is nothing better than this. Do not believe that you aren’t valuable unless some boy loves you. Do not believe that you are stupid at math or science. Do not believe that you can’t get into college and even if you could, you aren’t smart enough anyway. Do not believe that this is all there is to life. Do not wait until you are twenty-seven years old, divorced, with two little kids to begin to find your place in this world. Do not believe that there is no one in this world who believes in you. I believe in you.

Please believe in yourself as much as I believe in you.

As for the rest of them? I proved them all wrong. You can too.

Your old Troop leader


Brown Eyed Girl said...

You are an amazingly sincere and funny and talented woman.

I am blessed just to know you..and soon..I'll get to meet you.

Anonymous said...

you are freaking hilarious. I stumbled on your site about three weeks ago and now I check it every morning like a junkie. your letter to the preggo chick, I need to keep that in my permanent file. simply the best blogger i've ever read. you should get a bazillion awards. thank you so so so so much for keeping me laughing, you make my days (at work, away from my family) better.

Unknown said...

Hey Chick~

After today, you have to change your About Me to I totally rock! Your open letter to preggo chick was awesome and I love your letter to your brownies.

You may not see how awesome you are, but I do.

Just so you know, I went to a State Meeting on Wednesday and got called "That Chick Over There." Oh, how I died laughing while another woman was all indignant in my defense.

Now "That Chick" in KS

Anonymous said...

DYING on the pregnant maybe friend letter!! KILLING me with that one.

The letter to the brownies? Awesome. It's great that they have someone like you in their lives.

We all *fluffy pink heart* you....

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Okay, so I am not even remotely joking about this suggestion; write a book of letters.


I would buy a book of your letters. Heck, I'd pre-order it and give copies to all my friends for Christmas.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

How is it you can make my laugh and cry within seconds of each other? Loved the letter to the pregnant friend or whatever!

Alpha Dude said...

Lots of words of wisdom there.

You rock.

Really! And I'm not just saying that so you won't hurt me.

Bless you, Chick.

Anonymous said...

The letter to the pregnant gal was classic. I bet you feel so much better, don't you?

Anonymous said...

To all interested moms out there:

I would like to invite you to participate in a research study of parenting views and practices. Dr. Kim White-Mills and Dr. Catherine Dobris of IUPUI (both are moms) are interested in understanding what sources parents find useful in their parenting practices, how parents use different parenting information, and what views parents across the county hold regarding parenting issues.

To access this survey, go to

Jocelyn said...

Oh, Chick. Dang. Equal parts laugh and cry here. I looooved the "You weigh, like, twelve" sentence...and the advice to the troop girls. Lawsy, yes.

Thanks for being more than just funny.

Angie said...

Chick. . .you totally rock. I fully intend to save your letter to your brownie troop, and read it to my daughter every night. . .before she goes to sleep.

Wise words.

Heathie said...

I love your open letters so much! A book of them really would be a top seller.
I cracked up about the little man that crosses the hall when he sees you. You should make a move in his direction, act like you're gonna jump him, and see if he gets psyched out.
Your letter to the Brownie troop was awesome, too. So poignant, so inspirational.

Anonymous said...

I think everyone is on to something here... You need to keep all of these letters and pitch them as a book!!!!

And also? I'm totally with you on those kinds of pregnant women.

And as someone who planned on having a natural birth, it was just as bad to have women tell me I was an idiot for not wanting the drugs.

Now, I always tell pregnant women "don't be judgemental before or after you have that baby!!!!" All those decisions are a woman's to make, not for other people to judge.


And lazy pregnant women KILL ME!!!!! It's not an illness, people! It's a BABY!

Jhianna said...

Big dittos on the book idea - I love your letter posts!

Anonymous said...

Dear Steph,

I am just frantically hoping that the obnoxious pregnant lady is not me. I hope not.

Also? I would like to collect up all the advice you give your little girl, and all the other little girls you're shepherding at the moment, and store it in case I have a daughter one day. And then I won't have to desperately try and think of wise things to tell her, because I will have the Steph hoard to crib from.


Tonya said...

what an awesome post!! I laughed my head off.. thanks for the excellent read :)

my4kids said...

Love your open letters by the way! They are always awesome. You take me from laughing to crying in only a minute! Can you come teach my girls!!

Bethany said...

To MY husband,
What Chick said.

To my pregnant niece,
What Chick said.

To my daughters,
What Chick said.

Open letters would be a great book. Seriously. Think about it.

Unknown said...

I ditto the suggestion on a book of open letters.

What's up with "Georgia" above, BTW? Are we now subject to blog spam? That would so completely suck.

Emma in Canada said...

I quadruple ditto the letters book idea (or a newspaper as I said before)

And did I miss where you stopped being a Brownie leader?

i really hope that pregnant girl screams for an epidural and is too late.

SJINCO said...

As always, I love your letters.
As always, you rock.

EE said...

I absolutely love your letters, too!!!
You are real and darling at the same time! Great combination!!!
PS...Epidurals Rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

velocibadgergirl said...

You are the best, you know it?


Anonymous said...

That pregggo girl who doesn't want an epidural? Man, is she in for a surprise! I can't help but snicker at what nature has in store for her!

And your brownie girls are very lucky to have you. You should give them this letter in a sealed envelope, to open when they are about to make a big decision.

You are the best.

dennis said...

Dear Chick,
You have MAD letter writing skills. However, I hope you will not be put off if I humbly request not to be added to this list any time in the near future....


CPA Mom said...

I wish you had been my troop leader. You are AWESOME.