Monday, April 09, 2007

Easter dinner.

I spent the better part of the day yesterday feeling sorry for myself.

Why? Other than the fact that I'm a huge tool?

We didn't have anyone to have dinner with.

I know, I know. Really it's better that we just had dinner by ourselves. Jason was all like, "Woo! We can sit around in our underwear and have dinner!" and I was like, "Um, honey? We don't generally sit around in our underwear while we eat." and he goes, "But we COULD!"

So yeah, I guess that would have been a positive, had it been something, you know, feasible.

I felt bad though. Just because I really hoped that someone would take pity on us and say, "Would you like to come to our house? We have pecan pie."

Maybe I just really love pecan pie. I'm not sure. But I think the real answer is, I'm just feeling bad about my life and family in general.

I do know that I feel kind of guilty now. I adore the three people I live with. I would kill for those people. But sometimes, I wish I felt more of a family feeling from other places. I know I live far away from my parents, and I know that was my choice. I don't feel bad about that choice, because my life is so much better here, but still, there are consequences for every choice.

I also feel bad because Jason called his grandmother, who is the only person in his entire family who is remotely decent to me, and she wasn't at home. I'm sure she was with the rest of his family. She called back later and I spoke to her for just a few minutes. She really wants to talk to Jason, not me. Which is fine. If my grandmother called, she would be calling to talk to me, not Jason. You know?


Okay, and I really even hate to say this.


Even though she is nice and kind to me and nice and kind to my children, she doesn't treat the Boy Child and the Girl Child as though they are her grandchildren.

And it bothers the crap out of me.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the fact that she is nice to me and my children. I sincerely appreciate how she's always been kind to me. That is far, far more than I've ever gotten from any other member of my husband's family. I really care about her and worry about her welfare and sincerely want the best for her.

However, she never sends them anything for their birthday. Not even a card. I understand that maybe she doesn't know when their birthday is. That's fine. I get that. She is an old woman after all. But she doesn't send them anything at Christmas either, and I know she knows when that is, and I know she gives Jason's sister's children Christmas gifts. It's like my kids don't even exist, and it bothers the crap out of me.

My children adore her. They call her "Grammie", just like Jason does. They ask about her. They write her letters, they shop with me for gifts for her. She is just like their other grandmothers, because she is daddy's grandma.

It hurts me. It just does.

During my pregnancy it became pretty obvious that my first husband wasn't going to be around. In turn, his family wasn't around either. It's a long, complicated story, but basically, they've had nothing to do with my children since practically birth. I really tried to keep the lines of communication open, and finally I got tired of it. I was sending them letters, cards, pictures, and updating them constantly on my children's progress. They never responded. Never. So I got sick of wasting my time and money on people who clearly did not care about my children. They've made no effort to contact me in like, eight years.

I really hoped and prayed that I would find someone to love and marry who would, most importantly, love me and my children, and, as a bonus, would have a big family who loved me and accepted me and my children as part of their family. I feel sadness every single day of my life because that is so not what happened. Then, I feel guilty, because really, my husband is absolutely wonderful. He's not perfect, but he's a great person, a hard worker, a good husband, and a great father. I do not know that he could possibly love his own, biological child as much as he loves the Boy Child and the Girl Child. I also know that a lot of women aren't lucky enough to even have that, and really, I should suck it up and be grateful for what I have. My children are healthy. I have a strong marriage. The four people and one dog that live inside this house are all I could have ever asked for, and even more. Last night I made lasagna (we don't eat Easter ham for us) and they all raved about how delicious it was and how mommy is such a good cook.

But I really wanted pecan pie.

I really wanted a mother-in-law who loves me.

I really wanted my children to have more than my parents as grandparents.

And I really want to not feel this way.


HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

I am so sorry this makes you sad. But I would be sad, too, for what it's worth.

I also wish I could swing by your office to bring you a piece of pean pie.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're so down and sad. It makes me sad, too :( The ones that take no interest in you or your children? It's their loss a hundred times over. I know that doesn't make it any better.

Wish you lived near all could've come here for dinner and pie :)

Denise said...

I dont make pecan pie but we could have margaritas!! Holidays are sometimes the shits.The mr's dad could give a rats ass if he sees my kids. I get really lonely sometimes and my mom is in town.I uusally spend most holidays with her and my stepdad. I miss my sisters desperately. They are dysfunctional and a holiday with them makes a person nuts. I always long for a normal family who wants to be together too. Hugs.

frannie said...

I would be happy to make a pecan pie and send it your way--- honest, I would.

I would do anything if I could make this even a itty, bitty, tiny bit better for you.

my4kids said...

Sorry your feeling that way. I know it hurts when family doesn't except you. My hubbys family took a long time to except me and even now it is only one brother and sister. FIL is a jerk and his wife, well she doesn't like the boys can't handle Maddie because she has bladder problems, she'll take Kenzie though. If she can't except them all I would rather she just left us alone.
Except, yesterday I found out that they had invited all the family except us to dinner for Easter. It made me upset. sounds silly doesn't it?

EE said...

Anonymous said...

Holidays suck sometimes. Because of family drama, one sister did not come to our celebration. We didn't have pie, but but I did make a great Easter cake. I try to remember: it's just a day. 24 hours. And now it's over.

Alpha Dude said...

Your heart is so huge and so pretty.

Thank you.

God Bless you Chick.

Anonymous said...

There is nothing wrong with wishing things were even better than they are.

Hubby's family is missing out, is all I can say. And if they don't see that, well, it's their loss.

Join my family. I'll make you a pecan pie just because, not only during holiday.

Heather {Desperately Seeking Sanity} said...

I completely understand how you feel. My parents are all we have. Their sperm donor's parents really don't do anything for them.. (ok, i lie... they send Christmas presents at Easter!)....

and i hate feeling the way that you do... it sucks...

and while i did come and visit my parents for Easter this year, last year I was all by myself (because my parents invited my kids to spend spring break and i wasn't invited...) and that just blows!

Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I think holidays are the most depressing times of the year. So much "nasty" can happen during those times. Either someone is or feels left out, or there is a fight, or when everyone is together you know this one and that one don't get along and the air is so thick between them you could cut it with a knife. I think it is nice to have holidays like Christmas and Easter to remember what Jesus means to us, but on the otherhand, if there were a vote being taken, I might vote for no holidays at all. Holidays always seem to drum up old hurts and make new ones too.

I am sorry you feel as you do. In a way, I think you understand what it might feel like to be "shunned" as my husband and I were for 3 years. It is so painful and it hurts and it takes years to recover. For me, holidays just aren't so special since our three years of shunning. I don't look at our families the same way I used to. I could type up a really long post on this one! I guess what I am trying to say is just that "I understand how you are feeling".

CPA Mom said...

I get it. I really wanted a mother-in-law who loves me, though I'd settle for just liking me. She and my FIL have ZERO relationship with my kids, because of their hatred for me. How insane is that?! I really wish it didn't bother me either.

I really want to send you a pecan pie now. Because mine rocks! And I'd totally have you over on Easter.

I also understand that part too - with my mom having to split her time between us and my sister (since my sister and I don't talk, we don't exactly do holidays together) - so we end up having holiday meals alone too. I feel this way every Thanksgiving. I look around my table at my beautiful family, and wish others were there.

It's hard to accept.

julie said...

I totally understand -- from the kids' perspective. When my mom remarried, her family made a point of including my step-bro and sis during holidays and birthdays. But it wasn't the same for my brother and I. I remember going to my step-dad's parents' house one Christmas when I was about 14. My step-bro and sis had many presents to open. But there was nothing there for my brother and I. So, evidently, my step-grandpa felt bad and pulled a couple fifties out of his pocket and handed them to us. No card or wrapping like all the other gifts. So, yeah, that was nice of him. Just not quite the same thing. I remember looking over at my mom and I could tell she was mad.

Unknown said...

Hey, that chick-

I don't understand and I wish that I could ease your feelings. My family grabs hold too tight and I wish they would ease their grip most times - but you've read about that.

I didn't make pecan pie this year, but I made Easter Bunny S'mores and I'll post the link in case boy and girl child would enjoy making some with you.'mores%20in%20a%20Jar.shtml

I can only say that Jason's family doesn't understand what they are missing and probably won't ever. I'm only sad that you understand it all too well.


Amy W said...

I have no idea how to make pecan pie, but I can learn and make you some next time you are in my town because I will have dinner with you anytime...

I think we all want a mother-in-law who loves us.

I feel your pain...not really the same, but my stepmom treats her "biological" grandkids WAY differently than my kids. Kills me.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Come on down to Memphis and I will make you all the pecan pie you can eat!

Being in a blended family can be hard under even the best circumstances. But, with Jason's family being the way they are, it does make it harder.

I wish sometimes that my MIL treated my oldest the same as she does her biological grandchildren (for the most part she really does), but I don't think she does it on purpose, I think she just has more of a bond with them because she was around since they were born. I don't know.

I hope things get better and you start feeling better soon!

When you come to Memphis, don't forget your bulletproof vest!

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I can so understand why you don't want to feel that way, but I also understand why you do. Because were I in the exact same situation, I'd be feeling the exact same way.

And I'm not just saying that to be cheesy and supportive or anything. I really mean it.

And while a bunch of online friends loving you to bits and inviting you in isn't quite the same as a big happy extended family, I want to throw my invite on top of the pile.

'Cause I make one heck of a pecan pie, and I'd love for your sweet family to get out of that yeurghy neighbourhood and come up here and eat some with us. ~hugs~

Emma in Canada said...

A while ago I wrote about how my kids step grandparents sent them birthday cards and money from Australia, while their own paternal grandparents didn't even call and they are only 2 hours away. My daughter is 12 and hasn't seen them since she was 7.

It is sad that 2 people who haven't even met my kids treat them better than people related to them by blood.

But as is the same with your's their loss. It's just sad that all our kids have to suffer too.

eyes_only4him said...

wow, that totally sucks..

I cant believe the kids family wants nothing to do with them, its their loss, not yours..u have to look at it that way..The people whom do not write or call your kids are missing out.

I sort of deal with a simailar thing...not exactly the same, but I do deal with crap with the in laws.

I hate pecan pie, and ham..

Apple pie, heck yes..

SJINCO said...

I love pecan pie! As a matter of fact, I want some too, right now!

If I could make you feel better, I would. I really would.

Patiently waiting said...
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