Friday, April 13, 2007

Open letters: Momma's-had-a-long-week-edition.

Dearest husband,

My love for you knows no boundaries.

My patience for you, however, is in jeopardy.

I just really fail to see how it is necessary for your knee to be wedged firmly in my anus or vagina, depending on what side I am laying on while attempting to sleep. This is just a complete mystery to me. Also a mystery is the fact that no matter how soundly you are sleeping, the millisecond I leave the bed for any purpose, you are immediately in the space that I only moments earlier occupied. How is this possible? Do you have some kind of radar that I don’t know about?

Also? I know that you are much, much smarter than everyone else on the planet, but really when the vet tells us that the dog needs to lose five pounds, I’m really going to take the vet’s word for it. Your judgment is really questionable about this subject, as you think that I, who clearly has at least one hundred pounds to lose, look just fine. Also, I think that the vet’s advanced medical training trumps your two semesters of college during which you were largely hung over and/or drunk, hooked up, and deeply ashamed.

Additionally? After I told you that we didn’t need to sneak the dog people food all the time and I saw you giving her the crusts off the left-over pizza you were eating? You are quite lucky that I didn’t crotch punch you.

Love you!
Your wife

Dear Don Imus,

I know you’ve been in the radio business for, heck, probably longer than I’ve been alive, so I’m really kind of surprised that I need to mention this.

See that little thing? Right in front of your face? It’s called a microphone. It captures the things you say and broadcasts them.

Amazing, right? Yeah I know.

Something else you may need to know: when you do good works, the good that you do is automatically negated when you go around telling everyone on the freaking planet how fantastic you are for the good works you do. The real heroes are people who don’t expect recognition for every dollar they give or every good work they do.

Also? You suck.

A fanatic non-listener

Dear Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson, and everyone else who has crucified Imus recently,

Hi. Yeah, about that? While I’m totally on your side with the being irritated with Imus, I think you need to call up the Lacrosse team from Duke University and say you are sorry for being so quick to judge.

It’s only fair.

Someone who thinks things go both ways

Dear Duke Lacrosse Team,

While your judgment is questionable, you are innocent of all charges.

I’m sorry I judged you so quickly.

My apologizes,
Someone who can admit when she was wrong

Dear Scale,

You are new in my life and don’t know that most of your brothers and sisters have been gleefully flung in the dumpster.

This fate is likely yours, if you don’t start acting right.

Considering that I blew at least five pounds of snot out of my nose within the past two days and took an enormous dump before standing on you this morning, you really are pushing me by staying EXACTLY THE SAME. Seriously, I thought we had a deal. I eat nothing good and you go downward.

I’ve kept my end of it. Now it’s time for you to start keeping yours.

Consider this your first warning.

That fat chick over there

Dear Fergie-Ferg,

While I admire and appreciate the fact that you are attempting to teach the small girls of the United States how to spell such exciting words as glamorous and your very own name Stacy, I feel you would perhaps be a better role model if you would learn to sit like a lady. It seems that every photograph I ever see of you includes some version of your crotch, and really honey, no one wants to see that. I had such hope for you back in your Kids Incorporated days and you have completely destroyed it.

Also, while I appreciate the fact that you do get some artistic license in your songs, you negate the goodness of teaching small children how to spell when you use refrains such as “flopsy, flopsy!” What does that even mean?

Actually, never mind. I don’t really want to know what that means.

Please consider my suggestions.

Just a girl tired of seeing another girl’s junk


Anonymous said...

Have I told you how much I love and adore you? That you make me laugh on a daily basis? That if you ever stop blogging, I will fall into a deep depression and will lose my ability to Target? No? Well, consider yourself told :)

frannie said...

until her came along- I thought it was spelled glamerous. Thank goodness I had Fergie to learn me some stuff.

Alpha Dude said...

I do believe that perhaps you could use some chocolate.

The good stuff.

Let me know and I'll send you some.

Lizarita said...

I can't believe that I am even about to type this:
Fergie is saying "Flossy! Flossy!" not "flopsy! flopsy!"
I DO NOT own the CD and did NOT look up the words because I was wondering myself what the hell she was saying?

PinkCat said...

Hey that was bloody brilliant. You tell it how it is. lol I thought Fergie was saying flouncy

Take care Sweets xx

Amy W said...


Being completely immersed in the whole Duke Lacrosse thing (living in Raleigh does that to you as it is on the news ALL.THE.TIME.), I agree with you on the Al Sharptons of the world calling them up and apologizing. I am so done with this.

Denise said...

Love me some Fergie own the cd.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

I hate Al and Jesse with a passion. They are so self-serving it's ridiculous.

Have you noticed that Fergie misspells "tasty" in that one song? T to the A to the S T E Y . . . um NO! And she is saying Flossy - I think it's another way to say fancy. Jennifer Lopez says that if she wants to "floss" she's got her own, or something like that. The dentist gives me free floss when I go in for a cleaning and that makes me feel pretty fancy myself.

my4kids said...

Have I ever told you I love your open letters! Haha

Patiently waiting said...


Bethany said...

Be glad it's just a knee.

HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

I totally thought Fergie said "flossy, flossy" in that song. But who the hell knows? Maybe I could tell if she'd open her damned mouth and enunciate.

I love your open letter to her most of all.

Adventures in Baby Fat said...

Amen! Amen! Amen! Love it all!

*whoa* For a moment there I almost typed "hal-lay-loo-yer" ala Oprah style. I must have been channeling her.

Seriously though? Yes.

Anonymous said...

And apparently, the Al Sharpton who crucified Imus was on the air calling the Central Park jogger a "whore" and claimed she was never raped and accused her boyfriend of doing it.

And he denied for three weeks that he'd ever said it! Saw that this morning on an interview with GMA where another influential African American leader basically said that Al Sharpton was full of crap. But I think most rational people already know that.

And I'm totally with you on the if you brag about it, it's not a good deed thing.

Oh, by the way, did I tell you I just adopted 30 orphans and that I built houses for a bunch of homeless people in Yemen? But please, I don't do it for the attention! Did I tell you it was 40 houses? You got that right?

And my biggest thing with Fergie is that she spells in EVERY SINGLE SONG!

I mean seriously! It's really a lam-o gimmick.

Especially when some of the words are misspelled as somebody else pointed out.

Oh, and does every song need to be about yourself? We get it, you're Fergilicious and Glamorous. How boring would she be to talk to at a party. "Yes, Fergie, you're really great... So, anyway, I have cancer... Oh no, you're right, tell me more about how glamorous you are." UGH!

Heathie said...

Is your hubby related to mine, or is it a guy thing in general?
Fergie was on Kids Incorporated? I don't remember seeing her on "E! Cute Child Stars Gone Awry" but Britney was there, along with a few other former Mouseketeers. Sad, Sad.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Alpha Dude has got the right idea! Or, perhaps considering your letter to your new scale...maybe not.

It sucks when the scale isn't giving you what you want, but that doesn't necessarily mean you should end the relationship. Give it another can change...really.

And like everyone else, I think you're hilarious and fabulous and all that good stuff. But mostly though, I love how honest and genuine you are. You're "real". And in being so, you give others permission to ditch their facades and be themselves. You change lives with this blog of yours, you know that?

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

I'm laughing so hard I cannot even comment!

EE said...

You rock!!! I'm ROFL!!!

Anonymous said...

Can you turn those letters into petitions for us all to sign? Thanks.

Gerbil said...

Fergie seriously makes me want to hammer myself senseless with a cappucino maker. Her voice drives me INSANE. I thought Gwen Stefani's Love Angel Music Baby was bad... until Fergie knocked her spang out of the running for Worst Female Poseur. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

alissa said...

Oh. My. God.

You are wayyy too funny!

I can't wait to buy your book!

Anonymous said...

Well, you will have to let me know if your scale listened to you or not. If it did I may have to borrow this same tactic because my scale and I are going around in circles and I am ready to give it the heave ho, but you may just have something going on here.

And the whole husband thing....oh my goodness, even after nearly 23 years of marriage, the same thing! A few years ago we had both read the book, "Five Love Languages" and he has decided his love language is touch...of course mine is communication and IF we "talk/communicate" for longer then 20 minutes a day...all at one time, sitting down on our recliners, then he believes I now "owe" him some "touch". sigh....I keep telling him, I can never win with this thing! NEVER read this book with your husband, you will always be in "debt" to him, trust me!

SJINCO said...

I 'puffy heart' your open letters. With a big pink heart. A BIG ONE.

My goodness gracious. I can't stop laughing! What a way to end my day....

monsters' momma said...

I lurve your blog!

monsters' momma said...

I just realized you said flopsy. hehe. She says flossy which I think means flashy/owns lotsa bling. I'm hip. ;)