Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Emails I wish I would get.

I get a lot of emails. Most of them are quite nice.

Some of them are like nails on a chalkboard because apparently if you have a blog? People feel like they can ask you some really rude insane crap.

If I could write my own script for my life? I would receive the following emails:

Dear That Chick:

I am the President of a world famous book publisher. While viewing the internet recently I came across your blog. You made me laugh until Diet Pepsi came out of my nose. I would like to offer you a big old fat book deal. Of course, you will be expecting an advance. How does $100,000 sound?

I hope to hear from you soon!
Really Important Publishing Individual

Dear Chick, my faithful employee:

You know, I was thinking. The other day when you indicated to me, "Those people just didn't turn out!" and I kind of blew you off callously? Well, I was wrong. The co-worker which you were referring to, in fact, did not turn out.

I applaud you on your ability to judge people based on their character. I want you to know that the Didn't turn out man's employment has been terminated, effective immediately.

Sorry about that!

-Your project manager

Dear That Chick,

We, the producers of NBC'S "The Biggest Loser" would totally like to offer you a spot on our show. Because we want you to get really, really skinny in only about three months.

Also? We'll pay for all your plastic surgery once you are done and set you up with a really sweet gig so you can be a motivational speaker. Your life is suddenly going to totally rock.


Dear That Chick,

Since you have a huge-ass major crush on me, I totally think you should be my secretary on Law and Order. This gig is pretty sweeeeeeet!

Senator Fred Dalton Thompson

Dear Lovely Chick,

My brother Robin and I are so pleased that you continue to love us, even though, per your son, I sing like a girl. We would like to come and live with you and sing you to sleep every night.

Oh sod it. We'll just all live together in a big castle in England. Sound good, love?

Write back soon!

Barry Gibb

Dear Chick,

I know you've been waiting for years for this:

"Whatchoo talking about Willis?"

You're welcome.

Gary Coleman

PS: Do you know of any job openings that don't involve reality t.v. shows?

Wouldn't that be cool?


Julie said...

Would you really want to live with Barry Gibb? He really scared me the other week on idol.

frannie said...

sorry that people suck and email rude crap to you.

and your life is already awesome!!!

Alpha Dude said...

The cool part is that each one of those could actually happen.


Alpha Dude said...

You didn't mention anything about going to Disney World.

Is everything okay?

EE said...

Wish I could write letters like you!
I love the Law & Order (or Lawn and Order as my kids call it) one!!

velocibadgergirl said...

I am usually sort of bummed that I NEVER get email about my blog EVER, but heck...better no email than rude email, I guess.

And this entry just made me realize all over again that you are my sun, my moon, my starlit sky.


Denise said...

No one emails me with assinine questions since they know I would proabably ignore them snort.

Amy W said...

Barry Gibb and his false teeth scare me...

Love the new look!

How come I don't get any freaky emails? I am totally jealous :).

Heathie said...

If I were a publisher, I'd offer you a deal in a heartbeat. Your writings are the best!

Angie said...

Hee hee. . . when you get that gig on L & O, will you get me a date with my pretend celebrity boyfriend, Sam Waterston?

Seriously. At the end of the show, when he has jeans on, it's not pretty at my house! : )

CPA Mom said...

Diet Pepsi just came out MY nose...well, Cherry Coke Zero, but still...and seriously, I have the same crush on Fred. Did you see he is leaving L&O though? Sob!

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

On one hand I am jealous that I don't get really weird emails, but on the other, I'm kinda glad!

Seriously what do people ask you? I'm not one of them am I? Cuz, someone jacked my email this one time and, yeah, that must be what happened. Yeah.

Also, I love you and do not want to be the one to tell you this, but, um, word is that Fred's not coming back next season.

Please don't hurt the messenger!

dennis said...

Hey, does that mean you'll be tied to the 'da da' Law and Order tones for the rest of your life?

Who knew Fred Thompson was a sex symbol?

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I was creeped out by Gibb until I realized the poor guy had dentures that were going slippy on him. That'll teach me not to judge too quickly! I think he's a sweetheart.

And you? You are the funniest and you deserve that book deal and more.

velocibadgergirl said...

Dear Chick--

I done tagged you for a meme. Come over and see!


my4kids said...

I've had a couple of questions but not as bad as yours. I find the inquiries from google that get people here to be pretty weird though. I would love some of the emails you suggested though!

Stephanie said...

Dear Chick,

I'm not some big, important publishing guy, but reading about Barry Gibb, made me laugh until my caramel macchiato shot out my nose. Thanks.

Lucky Gem said...

I have GOT to start reading you every day. You are HILARIOUS!