Monday, May 21, 2007

Open Letters: Angry, PMS Woman Edition

Dear Period:

I say this with all the sincerity that I can muster.

What the hell?

Seriously. What the hell?

Do you think I enjoy having a period approximately every eleven minutes? Because I don't. Do you think I like having to wander around my office asking all the people with vagina's if they have a tampon they could please spare, not because I didn't bring any but because I had to use the entire stash I had at work, in my car, AND in my purse? Because I'll let you in on a little secret: I DON'T FREAKING LIKE IT.

Please. Just go away. It's not fair. I don't get to have babies and you still come and torture me like this? What the crap?

If you have to come visit, only do it once a month. I will regard you with angry insensitivity at that time.

That Chick

Dear Woman in the Shoe Show on Saturday,

I totally saw you switch the price tags on those shoes.

Yes. I did.

And you know what else? I was disgusted by your behavior. Not only was I disgusted that I saw you switch the price tags? I am also disgusted that you then yelled at two teenage girls who probably work for minimum wage and tried to lie to them and force them to give you those skank-ho shoes for $9.99 instead of $14.99. I am revolted that you displayed that behavior in front of your child, who was probably not even three years old.

Also? I'm all about saving money but maybe if you didn't have those fake nails halfway to Cleveland and that fake-ass Prada bag? Perhaps that $5 wouldn't have made such a difference to you.

Additionally? I am revolted that you were screaming at those little teenage girls who were just trying to earn money to go to college. Or the prom. Or whatever.

I try really hard not to judge other mothers, but what did you just teach that child? That stealing is okay? Because that's not cool. Just. Not. Cool.

And? The best part? I called the manager of the store this morning and told her I saw you switch the tags. So threaten legal action to two sixteen year olds all you want. Moron.

See ya!
That Chick

Dear husband,

I am glad you are home. I'm sorry your flight sucked. I'm glad you had fun at Epcot and the baseball game and running amok playing on the beach.

The only downside I can see to having you home? Is that I really want to eat potato chips. (See the above note to my period for more information) And every time I eat potato chips? You want to eat them too. And you? Eat all the potato chips.

Stop eating all the potato chips, lest I crotch punch you.

Love you a million!
Your loving wife

Dear random people:

Please. Read for clarity.

Also? If I don't know you and you take the time to send me an email telling me what a craptastic parent I am because you didn't read for clarity? Then you suck.

Thank you,
That Chick

To everyone else, particularly the three women who emailed me to tell me that you could totally see my name and address on my driver's license picture that I posted and have since taken down:

You guys rock!

Have a better day than I'm having!

That Chick


frannie said...

I can't believe that woman changed the price tags!! that is horrible! and then she yelled about it! people never cease to amaze me.

and Jason! for the love of God, stop eating all the chips!

Anonymous said...

I saw a girl switch price tags on shoes once, too. She CLEARLY had the cash for the $49.99 shoes (I mean, really? You pull up in a brand new Caddy Escalade, you are frosted in diamonds, your hair color obviously didn't come from Target and your clothes didn't, either). She also pulled the same crap with the girl working the register. Hate people like that!!

Crotch punching the husband? EVERY time you use that phrase, I crack up. It's rather funny (probably not to Jason, but that's okay. Right?).

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Dear Chick,

Once again, I think you should combine all your letters into a book.

I may just harrass you repeatedly until you do so.


M said...

love you. hate husband who eats all chips (mine does too. it's awful). hate random people. love bitching about them to you (good passing of time for me!) hate your period. love you calling on price switchers.

the end.

Julie said...

Shoe lady sounds like real quality people. Oh, and those ladies who emailed you about you driver's license, they are way nicer than me. I was going to email you and then got sidetracked and never did. I'm glad someone did tell you and you removed it.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

The shoe lady? I hope that woman gets what is coming to her! Karma can be a serious bitch!

My husband also eats all the potato chips, and, well, pretty much everything else. Lucky for me, he doesn't like things that are spicy and I do, so that's what I buy! Is that bad?

Anonymous said...

I would have totally told you about your driver's license, but I'm probably your least observant reader ever.

Which means I would have really, really sucked as a stalker. Or as a Private Investigator.

Oh and mean people who try to cheat stores out of five dollars? They suck.

Jocelyn said...

Here's how I know my period is humping down the path towards me this week: now I'm totally sure I'm one of those random people, even though I've never emailed you. Yes, the period, she sucks.

Oh, and if you follow this link, you'll be taken to a post full of tips about visiting Disney, um, World (I have a big problem with the whole Land vs. World bidness):

BS said...

I always look forward to your letters - put them in a book, please - it would be a best seller.
You have a wonderful way with words.

EE said...

I wish my husband would eat all the chips...instead, he leaves them all to me, and I have to eat the entire bag in one sitting:0
Shoe switch lady sucks!!

my4kids said...

I love your letters chick! Always.

The shoe lady? She sounds classy....

Your period thing? What is with that? Have they figured out whats going on? Have they done blood tests to at least make sure your not anemic with all that? I know to many questions but it worries me. Since I have chronic anemia problems and all...

I can't beleive people email you and say bad things about your parenting....That is just insane all I've seen of your parenting I couldn't even come up with a bad comment if I tried!

Emma in Canada said...

Ah the shoe lady. She was the bane of my existence when I worked in retail. Along with the Amrericans (no offense) who would YELL at me because they wanted the American price on the book, not the Canadian. I would have loved the American price myself, it was always a good few dollars cheaper.

And the post below? Broke my heart.

Angie said...

Hey there....I'm with you. I worked in retail, and took crap from all sorts of people who tried to swindle money out of the CHRISTIAN BOOK STORE where I worked. Talk about "for the love of Baby Jesus."

Good job - calling the manager of the store. You're like Britney & Little Lindsay's guardian angel. : )

Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for making me think.
Thank you for doing all this BEFORE I started sucking down my Diet Coke from the McDonald's across the street from my office.

: )

Heather said...

Seriously, your letters crack me up.