Monday, June 25, 2007

Better, even, than Prozac.

I was thinking about that email I got the other day from the guy I dated that one time and I realized that a great deal of the sadness in my life stems from the fact that since I’m married now, I don’t have nearly as many people to make fun of.

Because dating? Was an exercise in hilarity.

I guess I’m not really great at dating. I’ve always pretty much been in relationships. I had boyfriends. Long-term boyfriends. I didn’t go out and, you know, play the field. The thought of me “playing the field” actually makes me laugh until my face hurts.

Also? The boyfriends I had weren’t exactly Rico Suave. You know? I dated this one guy who wore a pink Makita hat. Makita, to the best of my recollection, is a company that makes tools, which makes it even more sad and appropriate.

After I got divorced, I wasn’t really looking to get remarried right away. I figured that eventually someone would love me and want to marry me, but I didn’t count on it happening right away and frankly? I didn’t really want it to happen right away. I wanted a chance to kind of figure out who I am, or some crap. I wanted to be okay by myself, before I had someone else to be okay with me.

What did happen, as soon as I started dating, was that I met a random collection of the most desperate men on the planet. And some of them wanted to, you know, marry me. Which was so weird. Because I hated them.

This one time? I went out with this guy who was in the Army. He really wanted to be a Marine, but the Marines rejected him. I could not stand him, seriously. I have no idea why my self-esteem was so low that I would even consider dating such a douchenozzle. So, my brother-in-law was there when he called and I said, “Oh my GOD, I do not want to talk to him!” and my brother-in-law answered the phone and said, “She’s asleep. Do you want me to roll over and wake her up?” and the dude was all like, “Okay.”

Can you believe that? Are there really people that desperate on this planet?

Because, seriously. Have you seen me? I will not be winning any awards for my beauty. My butt might win an award, but it would be one of those, “You have the biggest butt ever” awards, and that’s just not the kind of thing you advertise.

Also? These men were not wanting to date me because of my sharp wit. They didn’t UNDERSTAND my sharp wit. I would say the most hilarious thing, EVER, and they would just look at me with that look in their eyes. That, oh-my-freaking-Lord-I-have-no-idea-what-she-is-talking-about-
should-I-laugh-now kind of look.

And then I would go home and tell my sister about them and we would laugh and laugh and everything would be good.

Now I’m an old married lady and men still do things which I consider really strange. Like, two summers ago? This guy I work with asked me out on a date. And I was all like, “Dude. I’m married.” And he said, “Oh.”

The pictures of my husband and children on my desk didn’t clue you in? How about the engagement ring and wedding band? No? Okay, my bad. I’m going to have my marriage certificate laminated and put it on a chain to wear around my neck.

Just this morning, this guy I work with said, “Has anyone told you this morning how lovely you look today?”

Dude says this to every single female in the building. Every. Single. Day. And he’s married!

I said, “No. No one but you likes to lie to me.”

Which was probably not nice.

But did shut him up. So I still won.


Angie said...

You always win in my book.

. . .and you called me "hon." Made my day! Have a great one. . .I'll come find you after my date tomorrow with the surgeon who is too horrible to be married.

Seriously, this guy would have made Anna Nicole run away (may she rest in peace).

Hasta, baby!!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Please do not be cutting down your appearance, friend! You are lovely, Ms. Green-Eyed hottie pants.

Bethany said...

Chick, my lovely secret girlfriend ( haven't thrown that out there in a while),
Please stop being so down on yourself, I know some of it's for comedy but also you are kinda serious too. You are a beautiful, wonderful woman (go take a look at the picture of you right after giving birth- not a more beautiful woman on earth). You are smart, funny, and a crapton of other thing. I want to be you when I grow up.

You are a minimum of 100% freakin awesome!!

Anonymous said...

You are a hottie!!! Have I told you yet today? lol

my4kids said...

You have a great brother to say something like that. OMG that was to funny! made me laugh.....
I never played the field I had exactly one real boyfriend before Kelly and frankly I am happy about that and never do I wish I had played the field a bit. Your post reminds me why.....douchnozzle that made me laugh!

Tilly said...

I've lurked here for a while, and have loved your blog - but then my toddler spilled a cup of tea over my laptop, and I had no computer for a while, so had to stop reading you. I missed you. You funny lady.

Anonymous said...

Have I told you lately how good your blog looks?..tee hee hee...(I have no frickin' clue what you look like.)

men can be weird...How did you meet your husband? Or did you post that and I missed it?

Jamie said...

Ha ha ha ha ha...douchenozzle! I have to remember that one. I have to agree, men are so damned easy to laugh at!

Twisted Cinderella said...

this whole post made me laugh. I can so relate to the funny stories that ventures into the realm of dating can bring.

Amy W said...

So very glad I am not in the dating world...

Anonymous said...

Seriously. You ARE a beautiful girl--stop being so hard on yourself. You are a total package: looks, brain, humor, sweet, caring, generous...need I say more?

I TOTALLY want to be you when I get big :)

Anonymous said...

OMG, you could totally launch a new fad, the laminated marriage certificate around the the neck! It'd be like that time we wore bicycle shorts under dresses, but much cooler!

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I say go ahead and beat yourself up, it only stands as contrast to how awesome and pretty you really are. In fact, you're clever enough to have come up with that on your own. Is this all a ploy? Hmmm? Seriously, funny reflections, Chick.

Anonymous said...

Okay, I am having a really terrible week. Thank you for having this blog. It has helped me lift my spirits like you would believe!

Lizarita said...

I hate douche-nozzles.

Jocelyn said...

You know when you write a book and all--because you must--(or, rather, continue on the one you're working on?!), well, could you include a lot of stuff on the men you dated?

I am not sated.

SJINCO said...

You really are hard on yourself sweetie! You are a beautiful person, inside and out and all those guys you mentioned are just dumb. Besides you deserved so much better anyways, and you got it.

You rock.

louann said...

I must second the emotion. I think you are beautiful inside and out. Just look at how many of us love you!

I named you a rockin' girl blogger by the way! Check out my blog :)

Anonymous said...

Hey there!!

Another great post - as usual!!

Love it!!

Wanted to let you know that you were nominated as having one of the best blog names out there!!

Check it out!!

- Audrey
Pinks & Blues Girls

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

You would TOTALLY win awards!!!!!

Kelly said...

Even though i don't know you in person, from your postings..I can tell you are a really good person. Who wouldn't want to marry you?? I mean ARE intelligent, funny as hell, and yes you are beautiful!! What guy wouldn't want that!! Take more pride in have a lot to offer!!! SMILE!!

Victoria Dehlbom said...

Men just don't get subtle humor. Heck sometimes they have trouble with in your face humor. It is just part of their genetic make-up. But ya gotta love the fact that sometimes you can make fun of them right to their face, especially the most desperate men on earth type.

Jody Reale said...

Please join me at MySpace, where you can receive at least 400 marriage proposals with each login despite taking great pains to explain in your profile that you're married. (Note to self: suggest to the MySpace people an additional category called "Married, but still looking.")