Monday, August 20, 2007

A post I didn't want to write.

This is the time of year that sucks the most for me.

Why? Because I’m a huge tool.

Okay, not really. Well, okay maybe I’m a huge tool, but the reason this time of year sucks for me?

It’s when everything falls apart.

On August 24th, 1996 I got married.

Almost eleven years ago.

On September 10th, 1997, I found out I was having twins.

Almost ten years ago.

On Thanksgiving Day in 1997, my husband told me he was leaving me.

Not a good day, despite the pecan pie.

Logically, it is stupid for me to be still thinking about this. For this to have any effect or power over me at all. For it to be anymore than a bad dream I once had.

But it still is.

It just is.

Realistically, I know that my real husband, Jason, has no plans on leaving me. He and I are talking about our next house and what we’ll do when we retire someday. Also? He’s not a huge asshat like my ex-husband and he actually, you know, loves me. When he said “I do” he meant it. He didn’t mean, “Until some crackwhore with an inner thigh tattoo comes along”. He meant, “You are stuck with me UNTIL YOU DIE.”


I keep waiting to fail, at this.

I keep waiting for it to all go away.


Bethany said...

I would be thinking the same way. I wouldn't want to but I would.

HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

I know exactly how you feel. And not in the oh-I'm-going-to-be-all-empathize-y way. I really know what it's like to be in a very similar situation.

And it always makes you feel like shit. Even just a little. And that's totally okay.

Angie said...

But, like you said. . . he's not going anywhere. Keep it together. Don't go pee on your neighbor's lawn. Don't make any rash moves.

You're good, chick. Real good.

Alpha Dude said...

I can't say that I don't think about this sort of thing myself.

My advice?
Go have some chocolate.
Go love on your kids.
Go look at Jason square in the face and smile at him.
He will know what to do from there.

You gotta a lotta love in that house, Chick.


Unknown said...

Aw Chick. Shake it off baby!! Look squarely at the doughnut and not the hole;) and count the calor - I mean blessings. xo

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

The greater the happiness, the great the fear of losing said happiness.

That means? The more freaked out you are, the more happy you are...the more you love Jason and your life together.

And that? That's a good thing.

Even if it is royally messed up by the fear thing.

Anonymous said...

Isn't it hard how one asshole can keep haunting us after we have supposedly moved on? I guess this is one of those things that only time heals.

Of course having a great guy now certainly helps dull the pain, too!

And those dates? My husband and sister's birthdays. Also dates which depending on the day are curses for me, too.

Patiently waiting said...

Cheer up, just because your first husband was an "asshat" doesn't mean that Jason is. You know he loves you, your kids are great and your life has definitely taken a turn for the better. Although, I don't blame you for thinking about it as this is the ten year mark.

Emma in Canada said...

Aw Chick. I think Jason is one of the good ones, but once you've had one of the assholes it's hard to be able to see only good.

Denise said...

It's in our makeup to always wait for the other shoe to fall, it's life.

Anonymous said...

I know it's hard to forget the past. I have a yearly greif session too...

I'm learning to breathe and be in the 'now'. it helps when these feelings sneak up on me...I hope you can find your 'now'...

Anonymous said...

I think once you get hurt, your heart can never completely trust again. I've lost two jobs in my life. Both of them were in August.

So enough to say, all month, I've been on pins and needles and actually let out a sigh of relief when I came back after vacation and my badge worked. Even though everything's great here, and like Jason, I can stay here until I die if I want to.

But I can't help but worry, just like you do.

I know it's not EXACTLY the same thing, but that's me being empathetic, I'm afraid! :)

dennis said...

I like to think that Jason is going to stick with you until he is a wrinkly, bald-headed git with no teeth and a drooling problem.

Only because that is what wife.imp is going to be stuck with in about 60 or so years!

good luck!

frannie said...

I feel that way about my entire life-- I know I will fail at everything. it is just a question of when.

Victoria Dehlbom said...

Sometimes brains just don't get the message the heart gets. Damn brains!

Heather said...

It's pretty common to have your kind of feelings around the anniversary time of something tramatic.

My nieces were pretty young when they were taken away from their mom. Every year at that time they have weird behavioral problems. They were too young to remember the month and noone reminds's pretty weird, but I guess common.

Unknown said...

"Grief is like a lazy susan; you never know when it's going to come around." Or something like that. Quoting/paraphrasing the wit and wisdom of Anne Lamott.

I think it will take me a loooooooooong time to work through my grief crap. And it helps me to read your post and realize that there are other "normal" grievers, too.

Thanks for being real and honest, Chick. It helps.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

I'm so sorry that still affects you so much. Jason loves you and you are NOT going to fail. YOU didn't fail at your first marriage. DO NOT think that.

SJINCO said...

You have two beautiful children and a husband that loves the hell out of you....

You are NOT a failure. And won't be.


Anonymous said...

...please where can I buy a unicorn?