Friday, October 12, 2007

This right here? Open Letters.

Dear Man in the Large Gray Pick-up Truck this morning on the way to work,

Really, I understand your dilemma. I mean, seriously? I know you had to cut across two lanes of traffic and whip your huge truck in front of me so you could pull into the parking lot of the Shoney’s restaurant at exactly 7:14am. That “Sunrise Special” is seriously worth killing a mom of two children for.

That Chick

PS: Bite me.

Dear New Supervisor,

Really, it’s a good thing I’m a sweet Christian woman. Otherwise, I would have shot you in the face approximately three weeks ago.

In addition to your chest hair and tight pants issues, I would appreciate if you could occasionally stop talking. As you can see, I am attempting to work, EVEN AS YOU CONTINUE TO TALK. Therefore, you should conclude that either I have a lot of work to do, or you are really boring and I don’t want to talk to you. Or both.

Pssstt...It’s probably both.

Also? When I have a very long conversation with you regarding the issues that I have with people expecting me to drop everything and attend to their needs right.that.second and you act like you understand and then you come back less than ten minutes later and say, “I told such and such that you could give training on Monday morning at 8:15am”? Well, you are lucky you are still in possession of both of your testicles.

Oh, and one other thing? Never, ever, EVER start a story with, “Me and my mom were at this restaurant,” because even if you were with your mom at the restaurant, you are forty years old and need to cut the umbilical cord. Also? It was all I could do to not LAUGH IN YOUR FACE when you told me that the twenty-year old waitress at the restaurant was being friendly and you were thinking of asking her out. DUDE. She’s a waitress. She’s friendly so you will give her money. She does not think you are hot.

That Chick who is NOT YOUR SECRETARY

PS: You are so not hot. NOT EVEN. Your MOM doesn't even think you're hot.

Dear Blue Momma,

It’s not stalking since I like you so much.

That Chick

Dear All the people who have asked,

No. I’m not related to Gene Simmons from KISS.

Thanks for asking,
That Chick

Dear Ginger, my sixty-six pound puppy,

For the love of Corndogs and Tater tots could you please stop burping in my face?

Good Lord woman, what died in your lower intestine?

Your Alpha Female

PS: It’s a good thing you are cute.

PS: Oh sod it. Do you want a treat? I have treats!

Dear Sister,

I miss you and can’t wait to see you at Thanksgiving when you will surely tell me stories of hilarity that involve Wilfred Brimley, Tab, and Agent Orange.

My sides already hurt in anticipation.

Love you smoochie!
Your Old Sis

Dear Birthday,

What, you again? Gah!

Why do you have to be on a MONDAY this year? Can’t we just always skip Monday birthdays? Even Tuesdays are better than Mondays. Monday is like, blah. Tuesday is like, “We’re still blah, but by God, we aren’t Monday!”

Also? Why do I have to be so freaking old and have so much freaking gray hair?
Why do I have to look at my little baby in her blue jeans with her legs up to her neck and think, “GOOD LORD WHERE DID MY PRECIOUS LITTLE GIRL GO?” And then, you know, start crying.

Can’t you just slow down some? Please?

That Chick

To the person who found my blog by searching for, “Revenge on sleeping husband stick a tampon up his butt”,

Sweet Jesus.

That’s about all I have to say about that.

Thanks, I guess, for visiting. I kind of doubt you found what you needed here.

-That Chick

Dear kiddos,

You are Ninja warriors. I bow to you.

Because I? Have the grace of a plane crash. A large, messy one.

So I am in awe of you. And how cool you are.

Also? You stink pretty good and I love you.

And? You don’t look at me weird when I run through the house going, “BLAH! BLAH!” and waving my arms around. Because that’s how I roll and you get that.

Therefore, you are the best people alive.



Dreamer said...

I laughed out loud at the one about the sleeping husband revenge.

Good Lord.


Oh, and I did like the rest of them, that one was just funny.

Really, really funny.

SJINCO said...

Yay! for open letters. I love your open letters!


Beckie said...

Open letters Rock! You seriously make me laugh - you probably don't know how big that is.

Real Life in South Carolina said...

1. I'm glad I don't have your boss. :)
2. I have tons of gray hairs and have had them since I was 11, so I feel for you!
3. How did the person searching for revenge on husband land on your blog? Did I miss something?!?!
4. I love your letters.

NYOSM said...

Dear Chick-a-Dee,

First, I just have to say that this batch of open letters completely discredits your previous blog in which you claimed you can't write. That, my dear sister, is doo-doo. You are a freakin' literary genius. Clearly.

Also? Wilford Brimley and his diabeetus ain't got nothing on the stories I have for you. Be prepared to laugh loudly and unabashedly. Topics for discussion will included: our ridiculous brother, our equally ridiculous mother, GirlCousinChildC1's questionable taste in boys, and more labor stories! Yay for Thanksgiving!

And your birthday? Will be great. Because you? Are great and you deserve to have a great day. Plus? You are going to Disney World! So be happy already. I love you!

(I'm like a muffin with frosting!)

Anonymous said...

I'd have a hard time averting my eyes away from the tight pants - in a morbid kinda way. And I might scream 'My eyes! My eyes!' if he stood around me too long. I'd probably get fired.

I just started getting grey hairs a few years ago and they bite hard. It's those wiry little suckers that annoy me the most though. Just when I've blow dried my hair? A wiry little thing pings out and won't lay down.

Thanks for always making me smile!!

Anonymous said...

Ok, that husband and tampon thing would be the best one ever, except for....


Now I can die happy.

Not that I plan on it anytime soon, but you know. Me? Still grinning from ear to ear.

And thinking about revenge on MY hubby ......

Anonymous said...

WHEN will I LEARN to NOT read your open letters while consuming water or other beverages? Seriously. I'm going to short out my new computer with all the water spewing from my nose.


Alpha Dude said...

Your birthday is on Monday?


Our Anniversary is on Monday.

So there.


frannie said...

I am so going to stick a tampon up the butt of the next person that pisses me off.

Anonymous said...

:> Keep those (cards) and letters coming, Chick. You inspire me.

Write reality stuff. Heck, print your open letters. People eat it up. Nonfiction is what you are good at, sister.

P.S. Love your P.S.'s. And thanks for the long comments on my blog. Thanks a ton.

Jocelyn said...

I get all atwitter when I see it's Open Letter day, you know.

And Happy Birthday, a bit early.

Maybe you could tell your new supervisor that you'd like a tuft of his chest hair for your birthday.

That'd be real nice.

Anonymous said...

Your Open Letters rock... totally rock. If I was in the worst mood ever and about ready to stick a tampon up the butt of someone who made me really unhappy for revenge? I would die laughing at your Open Letters and forget all about my plans for revenge.

So it really is kismet (or something) that the tampon revenge person landed here. I'm sure she read some of your previous posts and left whistling a happy tune... :)

my4kids said...

I love your open letters chick....brightens my day everytime!

Emma in Canada said...

I came across something the other day that made me think of you. It's being posted on Monday. Oh and happy birthday. Since my computer may not be working on Monday, Abnd if it is I'll just say it again.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
That Chick Over There said...

Dude, quit posting that inflamatory crap. Okay? Take it somewhere else.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

A book of open letters would be a fab idea. Umm. Have I mentioned that before?

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Asshat trolls.

I heart open letters!