Wednesday, November 14, 2007

He didn't make the cut.

Sometimes, I look at my husband and think,

"I'm so glad I am married."

Because, dating? Well, it blew goats.

Other times I think, "Man, I wish I had more people to make fun of. My co-workers and neighbors really don't provide me enough blog fodder."

Those times? I miss dating.

When I opened up my MSN page today there was an article entitled,"How to date while pregnant." Although I am considerably infertile, barren even, and also, you know, married and not in the market for dating, I HAD TO READ THIS ARTICLE.

It was interesting, but did irritate me somewhat. They TOTALLY neglected the section for women who were dumped by their first husband while expecting twins. I guess there is just not a big market for talking about such things.

I was legally married while pregnant, so dating would have been out of the question anyway. It didn't stop my ex-husband, unfortunately, but I did have maybe about 1/10th of an ounce of class about me and just didn't do it.

After we were legally divorced, though, I decided to hit the social scene much like a dog on a meat wagon. I had a personal ad at Yahoo Personals. It said that I was overweight, somewhat unattractive and had two kids but it's okay, no one ever read it because all the men looked at my age and location and emailed me, totally not giving a crap about my personality, my looks or the number of children I had. I think they just wanted someone local. To, you know, sleep with.

For me, it was all just for fun. I was breaking hearts and taking names and not giving up the booty.

I met a man I worked with. He was a short, short man. I mean, I'm tall. I'm nearly five foot eleven. But he was short. Like, way short for a guy. I am guessing here but I think I probably had a good six or seven inches on him.

But he was nice. Really nice. Funny. Cute. Well groomed. Appropriate teeth.

He had a daughter. I believe her name was Bailey. He had moved, recently, to the area with her. He talked about her a lot.

One day he asked me to go have a drink with him after work.

I don't drink alcohol, but I don't care if others do. The fact that I don't drink had come up a lot. I honestly don't understand why people think I'm a big weirdo because I don't drink. It's not like I go around saying, "You're going to burn in hell if you don't put down that Bud Lite!" I could give a crap, you know? It was just something I decided not to do.

Anyway. We meet at this bar, pub-ish place. He starts drinking. A lot. He asks me what I'll have and I said a Diet Coke and started getting really weird about it so I told him I forgot my drivers license. Which was, actually, true. I often walk off and live pertinent things behind.

He kept drinking. A lot.

We talked. He had moved to North Carolina from...okay, I can't remember. I want to say Maine. I could be totally wrong. It doesn't matter. He moved from somewhere and was starting life anew with his child. He told me the mother of his daughter was somewhere between batshit crazy and Mommie Dearest, so he had to rescue this child from her clutches! He asked about my life, my divorce, what brought me to North Carolina. All the usual crap.

He kept drinking. So much the bartender finally told him he was cut off.

We went outside. It was dark, but not cold. It was never cold there. I was like, "Let me drive you home." He refused. He actually went quite mental about it. Despite the fact that I could have stepped on him to subdue him, I was actually quite nervous. He was making such a scene.

Then, he said, "I want to kiss you. Can I kiss you?"

And before I could say a word, he turned around and PUKED ALL OVER THE PARKING LOT.

I jumped back because I was wearing cute shoes and didn't want the remains of the 2 for 1 Happy Hour specials all over them. He stepped over his own puddle of puke and...

Went in for the kiss. Puke-breath and all.


I very politely lept backwards approximately sixty feet and sort of waved at him and said, "I think we'll just leave it at this for tonight!"

I then ran to my vehicle and drove away. Fast.

The next day, at work, he appeared. He did not apologize for his actions. He DID however reveal that he was living with his baby's momma. So that made sense at to why he didn't want me driving him home. I do not think she would have been pleased to see me.

My favorite part? After revealing this to me he said, "How about we go and catch a movie tomorrow night?"

That? Did not go into my dayplanner.


CPA Mom said...

"That. Did not go into my dayplanner." You are too funny Chick. I seriously need to STOP drinking anything while reading your posts.

frannie said...

I had no idea that you are that tall! now you can tell people-- "I'm tall, but I'm worth the climb!!" :)

that guy sounds like a winner.. umm, I mean weiner.

Blue Tissue Box said...


Sounds like he was just as dumb sober as he was drunk. His baby's momma is a lucky woman. She should be proud, very proud.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

You are so freakin funny!!

Also. Some men have a crapload of audacity.

Bunny said...

OMG, how did you not throw the puking then wanting to kiss you right in his face? I'd have been all, you know, I might have overlooked the baby-mama thing and the over-drinking thing, but really, when you puked on me and then tried to kiss me? Oh, HELLS no!

Anonymous said...

Wow. He was a real winner. How did you ever let him get away?

I thought you were going to say he had kidnapped his daughter or something. I'm mean he was living with the baby's momma and you couldn't cut him a break? You are a mean woman.

hehe Thank god for Jason, huh?

Amy W said...

The visuals I have of all this...

Unknown said...

Wow. You let that catch go? He is one I would've loved to bring home to Mother? Talk about a total shite!

Kim said...

That date sounds horrible. I wonder whatever happened to him. lol

I had a date that had told me he was divorced, but he was really married. After I found out and confronted him, he had the nerve to ask me if I wanted to have a threesome with them!

Angie said...

Do you think he moved to NC from East Tennessee. . . because he sounds like someone I knew (dated briefly) in the late 80s.


Unknown said...

Chick, you have no idea how much I needed the laugh today. thanks.

And omg, the way you tell it -- I could see the puking and smell his breath. Agh!

Still l-ing-mao!!

Dreamer said...

Oh. Dear.


Sounds like such a fun and wonderful date.




So glad you didn't put it in your dayplanner.

Emma in Canada said...

Oh fuck me, you are funny.

The other day I was watching TMZ (cause I'm classy like that) and they showed David Faustino - you know, Bud Bundy- with some 5'11" model. Bud? He's 5'3. So I had a prefect height image in my head.

theotherbear said...

Wow. He sounds like a prize catch.

Alpha Dude said...

I don't drink either.
So all the weirdness? That's just me being me.

I enjoy these trips down memory lane. Your life is awesome!


AnnieM said...

The whole dating thing? Makes for awesome blog fodder!

Ry said...

I don't drink eaither, and when The Girls go out for the night, I never get invited. :( Guess they think I won't be any fun.

Mrs. Booms said...

Loveliness... What a catch.

HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

That is the best thing I've heard all week. Truly.

I live vicariously through my single friends... not wishing I was single, but hearing their stories. My friend Jonah recently told me he went on a date, kissed the girl goodnight, and at that point, he realized she had a tiny mouth. He said it felt dirty and wrong, and he never called her again.

I laughed until I nearly peed myself.


Anonymous said...

That was hysterically funny. I mean, I'm sure it was NOT even close to funny at the time, but isn't that the great thing about memories? They can be completely awful and then become hilarious blog-fodder later in life! I think I might have dated his brother in college...

Ashley said...

You are so hilarious :) Top Ten reason I don't ever want to date again ....... Chick's stories.

Wenderina said...

You TOTALLY made that up. And I TOTALLY laughed my ass off. I've been married FOREVER so I have little to no dating stories. This hysterical.

Caffeine Court said...

Sounds alot like my dates when I was single. Only I was the guy puking all over the parking lot.

(Kidding-maybe not...):(

SJINCO said...

I had no idea you were so tall! I think that's awesome! And that guy, wow...glad you ditched him.