Sunday, November 11, 2007


what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

It gets easier, right? This is what everyone keeps saying. That it's okay to be sad and it's okay to feel whatever it is I feel (and what is it anyway? Guilt? Shame? Anger? Pain? All of the above?). That I should let myself grieve and that it's okay to grieve, even though I'm only grieving an idea.

But what scares me? Is I'm grieving the fact that I'll never be normal.

And I don't know how to make that okay.


frannie said...

I sent you an email with my thoughts.

I love you so much!!!!

Anonymous said...

I know exactly what you are talking about--maybe not about the exact same thing that is at the root of all this--but the rest, the feelings of grief, pain, shame, anger and trying to reconcile that with something that just can't be fixed and made all better.

When you figure out the answer to making it all okay, let us know. If you can bottle it you will make billions, baby.


Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I hate that you're too far away to hug.

Anonymous said...

Ok, should I go get in my car? Because you are only about four hours away.

I'm hoping you are feeling better by the time I could get there. But if it would help? We will so be on our way! Punkin gives great feel better kisses.

~big hugs~

my4kids said...

I'm sorry your having such a hard time right now.
I wish there was a way for us to help you feel better.
I love that song by Johnny Cash by the way I think its one of his best.
I'm sending you cyber hugs right now......

Unknown said...

Grieving that you'll never be normal? It sounds like you're giving yourself a hard time for something you have no control over. And that will only go away with acceptance that you can't change things.

I'm praying that God will give you strength to accept what you cannot change, and give you peace in your heart about it - so the burden of grief is lifted.

Lots of love and hugs,
TLG xoxoxxoxo

Sarcasta-Mom said...

What the heck is normal anyways? Are any of us "normal"?

You are a wonderful human being, and blessed with a loving family and friends who care about you. I know that doesn't make it better right now, but you'll find comfort in that eventually.

We're all thinking of you and hoping you feel better soon.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts are with you darling, just let it out.

Unknown said...

You have every right to feel every damn emotion that comes your way. We just all hope you are feeling more like your self soon.

SJINCO said...

I really wish there was a way that I could make you feel better. If you ever want to chat, you know where to find me.

Hang in there - many hugs.

Jocelyn said...

Oh, you sweet woman. I'm so sorry for this unassuagable pain.

Sharing it with us is a step. Definitely, not trying to figure it out all on your own. Talk to people. Talk to someone specific, who can ask you the right questions.

And know that it will get better. You will find a way and a place for this pain. It will morph into something productive.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Chick.

I wish I had some words for you...But I do are not alone...if that helps.

Amy W said...

I know anything I say won't really help...but I am here if you need someone.

And big hugs...

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you. I am glad that you are talking about it, that certainly is a huge step in healing.

Randi said...

I'm so sorry, Chick.

Dreamer said...


Just keep letting it out, we are all here for you.

NYOSM said...

Oh, Chick.... I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better, but I know there is not. I wish I could take your pain away, but I can't do that either. I can't promise you that things will get better because I think this is one of those things that will always hurt. And I'm not going to lie and say that I know how you feel because I don't. However, I can tell you with absolute certainty that I love you so very much and I am here for you the way you were for me when we lost our baby. I still get mad at God. I still cry every day. And crying never changes anything. But sometimes I just need to and so do you. You are an incredible woman- funny, beautiful and intelligent. You deserve to have all the things you want. You say you aren't a good friend... not true, my dear sister. I can recall so many instances in the past 30 years that you have saved me from myself, stood up for me, and loved me when I didn't deserve it. You are a wonderful friend, sister, and mother. I am so very sorry that things are not working out the way you wanted. That I DO understand. I think everyone does. I know that doesn't take away the pain you are feeling but it's true. And I know the relationship that you and I have with other members of our family gets to you more than you let on. It gets to me too. You know what gets me through it? You. You understand. You were there. You are intertwined in every part of my childhood and my memories. You are all the good things from that time in my life even though I didn't realize it then. You are my sister. You are my best friend. I can be that for you too. I can't promise that I can say or do anything that will make things better for you. However, I can promise to listen, to cry with you, to pray for you, and to let you be angry when you need to. I am here. And I love you. Always.

Unknown said...

Honestly, Chick, whats normal? Normal is the thing that is just an idea. Nobody is really normal, because everybody is unique. So...? Feel however it is that you need to feel. And with a little luck, and a little pampering, you will be better soon!

CPA Mom said...

What is normal anyway? I don't WANT YOU TO BE NORMAL! I love you just the way you are.

I wish I could do something, anything about the grieving part. You never, ever get over grief though. It just gets easier to bear. With time, friends, understanding and love. All of which I offer you.

Except time of course, I'm not God.


Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

I wish that I could give you the biggest longest hug ever. My heart breaks for you and Jason.

Edie said...

If you're talking about greiving because you can't have a child, please don't second guess yourself. Infertility sucks and it DOES cause grief. HUGE amounts of grief. (Trust me, I've seen a professional!) ;) No, seriously, the grief is natural. Whether this is secondary infertility or not, it causes more grief than anyone who hasn't suffered infertility could possibly imagine. Chick, really, I'm here if you need to talk. I doubt you are going through anything that I haven't felt myself. :(

Anonymous said...

First time reading your blog, and I am so glad you are not normal. You are way better than normal, which, I believe, is another word for ordinary. -K.

rags or riches who decides said...

I am truly sorry you have these feelings. I deal with them myself everyday. I fought it for years thinking I could beat it, but it's not something you can do on your own. I see a Therapist every week and I'm on meds. I hate it because it makes me feel like my own life is beating. I always feel like I have 100 lbs weighing in my stomach and I can be a room full of people and feel all alone. I don't know how far they will get, but I'll say a prayer for you.

rags or riches who decides said...

I wish I could say I know exactly how you feel, but I can only empathize. I know I deal with my own depression daily and I cry for no reason. I feel 100 lb weight in my stomach but can't put my finger on exactly why. I used to think I was strong enough to beat it, but I learned the hard way I couldn't. Now, I see a therapist at least 2 times a week and take way too many meds. I hate feeling like something has that much control over me, but I've learned there's nothing I can do but take it 1 hour at the time and say a lot of prayers. I'll say them for you as well.