Wednesday, November 21, 2007

I don't need the cheese or the car keys.

The last two days have been filled, alternately, with angst and extreme joy.

Yesterday, an anonymous individual left the following comment on my blog. Here it is:

I'm leaving an anonymous comment because I love your blog & I'm afraid you'll read my comment and say I'm blocking that Miss Know-it-All Dumbass from my site.......and I wouldn't want that to happen. I just want to share this with you. I had a HORRIBLE relationship with my father, actually a non-relationship, hadn't talked to him in 10 years. I married a man whose father had died and he insisted that I start seeing my dad.... I said no, I wouldn't do it. My husband started driving us there when we were on the way somewhere else (because I wouldn't have gone willingly). He and my dad would visit and I'd sit, saying nothing. After awhile I figured something out -- my dad had done some awful things to our family, he hadn't changed, he certainly never apologized for anything, BUT he wasn't the kind of person who would sit around and analyze his actions so he did the best he could without many tools. He wasn't a reader or a thinker, he was a superficial, selfish person but he was my dad... and when he got sick I was glad I could be there for him because when he died I knew that regardless of the person he had been that I had done the right thing. I had no regrets, no guilt, I felt free. But if he had died and I'd kept away from him the regrets would be eating at me today. Here's the Miss Know-it-All dumbass want the best for you kids, but what if you were an a*hole who just didn't get it and they never spoke to you again, sure you might deserve it but you wouldn't be aware of that because you're an a*hole, even would break your heart to have your kids hang up on you and not visit...if Jason's mom could understand she'd change, but she can't, she's not an aware person even when it's hitting her over the head........the best thing you can do for Jason is to encourage him to communicate with his mother whether you can or not because when she dies it's his mother that's gone..... and even if he thinks it won't matter and it won't hurt and he'll have no regrets.......I bet he will... Read this & delete it, it's just for you. I enjoy your blog, I wish the best for you which is the only reason I wanted to say this -- you never know when it'll be too late.

I so wanted to address this. I wish whoever this was would have said who they are.

I've never blocked anyone from my site. Heck, I've only deleted three comments, ever. One was a person who called my husband a pedophile, one was a guy who just spammed me with really random, racist crap, and the third? Was this crazy slut-bag right here. And then I posted about her and offered her the opportunity to respond to me directly and she never did. But you know what? She still lurks around my blog all the time. (Hello? Site Meter! I see you. Yes you. In Garner, North Carolina. I know it's you! Smooches!)

Honestly, absolutely nothing about that comment was offensive to me and even if I was the type of person to ban people from my blog, nothing about that would make me want to ban this person. I thought it was a very heartfelt comment, and honest to Frog, I appreciate feedback about my life. You know? I'm just winging it here. I've fully admitted, at least ten times, I have no idea what I'm doing. None.

Really though, everything you said, anonymous, I've already thought. Even though I do not understand people like my mother-in-law, I honestly don't hate her. I feel very sorry for her because she did lose her son. And I wouldn't want to lose him and would never want to lose my own son.

My head gets all of this. My heart does not.

Last night, Jason and I sat and talked. For four hours. I cried. For four hours. Depression has taken over some parts of my life and parts of my life have become very dark. I put on a good face for the world. I'm not in such a black hole that I can't go to work, can't function, can't talk to people. It's not at that point, not yet, and I don't want it to get to that point.

Last night we talked. Last night he listened and did not offer suggestions or advice on how to fix things. Last night I opened up gaping, hurty wounds and let it all gush out.

Last night? I remembered why I married him. Why I love him so fiercely. Why I am so glad that I have him and that my children have him.

We talked about many things. One of them was his mother. I told him what this blog comment said and how I think this anonymous person really could be right. That maybe this woman just does not have the emotional capacity to realize how hurtful and awful she is. And maybe he should fix this. Because it kills me inside that I am causing him this pain.

He was quick to say that it was not my fault. But I know that if there had never been me? Then he would still have a relationship with his mom. That, for whatever reason, her hate for me is even more than her love for him. She loves him. I know that. But she hates me more.

He said I had not ever done anything to her. That I had been nothing but kind and gracious and all I ever wanted was to have a family who loved me and she had done nothing but be mean and cruel and hurtful and reject me.

I know all of that is true. I asked him why he felt she rejected me. And he said, what I knew already,

"She wanted me to marry someone without children and have children with them."

I cried. I sobbed. I wept.

Because I am broken, and that made me feel even more broken.

She does not know that I am infertile. She does not know that I would give nearly anything in this world to have a child with her son. That I dream of little brown haired boys with brown eyes and noses a little to wide for their faces and little girls named Abby who like to swing on swing-sets.

She doesn't know me. She doesn't know anything about me.

"I would give anything to have a child with you," I cried.
and he said...

"I already have children with you."

She doesn't know him either. She doesn't know us.

Because who wouldn't want that for their child? Who?


Ry said...

He sounds like good people! ((hugs))

Mrs. Booms said...

Big hugs you crazy gorgeous person you. And know you have a good man there...

You know, my dad was an a*hole and I never talked to him again before he died and I still don't feel bad about it almost 15 years later... Why? Because he made the choice, not me, he chose to be an a*hole...

Just because they are unaware doesn't excuse them... It just makes it all the more clear to me that I just don't need that in my life. I am aware and I have choices I can make.

Edie said...

You have so many options to have a child with Jason. Yes, it might not be YOUR biological child, but there are possibilities. You could adopt a child, a local child or an international child. You could consider egg donation if you felt it was important for Jason to have a biological child and/or it was important for you to carry this child. Have you talked to a professional about the emotional effects of your infertility? Not just a therapist, but a therapist who specializes in the emotional impacts of infertility. Check out Dave and I have been seeing one of these therapists, together, and it has really helped. She has opened his eyes to understand my desire for another child and to see why I would/will be so depressed if this dream doesn't become a reality. She's helped us work through how we are going to accomplish this. We have a plan now. A plan that may take several years to complete, but it is a plan.

As for your MIL, I, too, feel sorry for her. She has absolutely no idea what she's missing out on and I pity her for that. :(

Please email me if you want to talk infertility. It helps tremendously to discuss this with people who are also suffering...


KiKi said...

Your mil is missing out on the gem that is you. Even more reason to pity her!

Anonymous said...

Jason? What an AMAZING husband! You are blessed among women!

frannie said...

I love you.

Wenderina said...

Your pain is palpable. I see both sides of the issue with the MIL. I have a brother that I no longer speak to and at every holiday, every family gathering, I wonder - was it the right choice? No one can answer that but you and Jason. What kind of peace do you seek? The one that comes from quiet now but may find regret later? One that comes from struggle now, but may find satisfaction later? I hope you find YOUR peace.

Kim said...

*hugs you*

Mrs. Booms said...

Just came back to say Happy Thanksgiving to you, Lovely.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Damn you, Chick, you've made me cry...again.

I think that anonymous comment was in no way offensive and was very well written and heartfelt. I am glad that it spark a much needed conversation between you and Jason. I've tried to explain to Chris that sometimes I just need him to listen to me, not to fix things, just listen.


Anonymous said...

You and Jason are such good people. I'm so glad I've found you!!!!

You couldn't have hit the nail on the head any better when you said that your mil's hate for you is bigger than her love for her son. It's so sad. If only she could realize how much she's missing out on.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I think I understand why you don't hate her. I think it's because you're too busy feeling sorry for her. Only you really understand what she's missing out on.

I'm sorry you're feeling so broken right now. I've got tears overflowing here, because of how well I understand that feeling. I know how the dark can take over to such an extent that any glimpse of the proverbial light has us squinting.

SJINCO said...

My heart aches for you - I shed tears for you - you and Jason are both amazing people.

Simply amazing.

Anonymous said...

I am glad you guys have each other. Love and Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

Emma in Canada said...

I was doing so well until he said "I already have children with you." And then I cried. You are so lucky that he feels that way, because although I know William loves my kids, I don't feel he considers them his. Maybe that's because their father is in the picture, maybe it's because they were older, maybe I should stop making excuses! But you are so very, very lucky.

I wonder what would have happened if his mother had heard that conversation last night?

Jocelyn said...

The fact that you're able to think about this from so many angles has just got to pay off.

I love what that commenter wanted to communicate to you.

But damn. So much on your emotional plate. I send all my best energies, for as much as they're worth.

EE said...

"I already have children with you."

He's a keeper!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Chick, I didn't comment until now, coz - well - cutting mother's off has been such a huge consideration for me (in my life).

I won't bore you with a buncha details. But I do think it's worth trying to have a relationship with her, but just make sure you and Jason are v.e.r.y. clear about what the boundaries will be.

I posted something about me and mom just a few days ago. I can't read it again - it makes me cry. Here's the link

Lots of love to you and Jason as you figure all this out. One thing I've learned is - no decision is ever really final when it comes to family. xo

M said...

People like anonymous mean well. They really do. I'm glad her story worked out so well for her. It's too bad it doesn't work out so well for everyone.

Parents are an individual thing. And really, therapy has helped me tremendously that just because your DNA is in me doesn't give you a free pass and you're still held accountable. If you can be an a-hole again and again then eventually it's too much.

You know I cut my dad off 3 months before his death. I was only 16. I don't regret my decision. It makes me so sad that is what happened. But he was an adult. He had options and choices. And I'd do it again even now though I miss him so terribly.

Jason's mom has had so many chances. Jason tried to hard. You tried so hard. His mother is missing and it's sad. As a mother my heart breaks that she has no relationship with her son (much like Josh's mother!)

But you know? As a mother? If my kids EVER told me I was a crazy ass hole psychopathic evil creature? I would push and try and pull and drag us all into counseling SOMETHING to try to fix it. Because that's what mamas do.

Now I'm babbling. And I'm not sure I should've read this this morning because the situations with our husbands and respective MIL's makes my heart achy. I so wish things could be different. But they aren't.

And your fertility situation breaks my heart daily. In ways I cannot explain.

I am so glad you and Jason have one another.

And I'm glad anonymous spoke up. Because she did so very respectfully showing her point of view just in case you hadn't considered it before. And I absolutely admire people who try to not let others make the same mistakes they made even if they situation may not apply.

I love you. I wish my phone wasn't dead from being off the hook I'd so call you because I'm all weepy and shit.


Anonymous said...

Oh wow have you found a wonderful man in Jason. And he's found a wonderful woman in you! It isn't easy trying to be so strong all the time is it :o) I'm glad you have this blog to write things out and I'm so glad you and Jason can talk and be there for each other.

Alpha Dude said...

You have one really great man there. You truly are blessed, Chick. So is Jason.

I understand how he feels. I have gone through a similar ordeal with the woman I used to call my mother. That is another story for another time and maybe someday I'll be able to write about it.


Bunny said...

Oh, honey. I am so sorry that you hurt so much and that you feel broken. I know what depression feels like, I know what it means when things are dark. I know what it feels like to say to yourself that you can still function, get through the day, get to work, but still know that things aren't right. I do not have anything to say to you that would make it better, I certainly don't have any "advice" to give, that never works. But I know. I know. I don't know what it feels to have the same problems, but I know how dark it can get. Hang in there. And I am wishing peace to you.

Jamie said...

I have to chime in here, and believe me, I am NOT a chimer, I am not a shit stirrer, but I am a commentor. I married a man with a mother similar to yours. I believe she wanted him to marry a woman that would have his children, but I already had THREE kids, was divorced and was not willing or even able to have any more. He and I were quite comfortable with all of that, but she doesn't have anything to do with me. ever. We live in the same very small town. Everyone says to me "you are so lucky to have such a wonderful mother in law" because she is so well known in this small town, and i just shake my head and smile, but she will only speak to me when we run into one another in public. I have been married to this man for 12 years. OUR kids are grown and gone now, and still, she boils. For whatever reason, because she will not say what the problem is, therefore I cannot address it. To her, there is no problem. After many years of my husband having no contact with his family, I insisted that he have a relationship with them on his own. He does now, a limited one, of course, but he does. Because as has been stated, it is the only mother he will ever have.

You have married a very wonderful man, and I can see you already know that. You can only do what he is willing to do here. He is a man, and will make the right choice for him, for you. I can tell that you are not holding him back from anything or anyone and would never want to do that, you love him too much. Don't let this tear you up, life is too short for that. Trust your husband to do the right thing for him, and when and if he decides to see her, support him in that decision. If he chooses not to, do not take the blame, he is an adult, and it has been his decision to make all along. However this works out, she has created this situation herself and at some point will have to live with that knowledge. Please take this in the spirit in which it is meant, i really am not a nose-poker....or a nose-picker for that matter, but that's another matter entirely, lol

Have a good day!

Amy W said...

First off, take Edie (my neighbor) up on her offer to talk...she is a great listener.

And your husband? AWESOME. I am really going to find you guys when I come for my brother's wedding.

Anonymous said...

Chick, that was a beautiful post. I loved it. I don't really have anything to say except that Jason appears to be an authentic and true man who loves you and your children fiercely as well.

I can empathize with your dark days and grieve with you. I pray that you will find them eventually decrease or end altogether.

And I pray that the brokenness that you feel will also turn to healing. I can just imagine how hard it must be to not have children with this wonderful man you have married.