Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Holiday driving tips.

1) If you are two hundred years old and need to visit someone who lives two streets over on Christmas day? Start driving now.
2) Whatever you want at Wal-Mart? They have 1100. There's no need to almost run over a nice responsible woman and her children in your mad dash to get whatever it is you want to get.
3) If you are a middle-aged man who drives a low-slung vehicle which is clearly either a cry for help, evidence of your microscopic penis, or your mid-life crisis and you have those plastic antlers and a candy-cane stripe on your antenna? It means your wife dislikes or possibly hates you and wants you to suffer.
4) If you must transport your live Christmas tree to your home by strapping it on top of your vehicle please make sure you don't obstruct your back window so that you don't almost run into someone who is passing you in the left-hand lane because you can't see out the window.
5) Yes, I'm talking to you, Bitchy Larue in the red Volkswagen Beetle on Interstate 40 this morning at 7:27am.
6) Your momma is not going to run out of turkey if you don't get there by 5:30pm. Slow the crap down.
7) Sitting in your car and glaring at me menacingly when I refuse to run the red-light so you can also run the red-light does not make me fear you.
8) No one wants to sit in the traffic that is backed up for six exits because people in front of you don't know how to merge. There is no need to honk your horn, make obsense gestures, or scream at your husband who looks markedly henpecked. For the love of corn dogs, chill out.
9) If you don't know how to merge? Please stay off the interstate. Not just during the holidays, but every day, please.
10) When in doubt, just stay home. Please. For the love of Google.


Dreamer said...

For the love of corn dogs and goole.


You crack me up and I couldn't agree with you more.

Anonymous said...

Bitchy Larue = HAHA funny!!

Also...if I'm stopped waiting for some tool to turn left, don't flip me off and lean on the horn because I won't go around. 4wheel drive or not? I couldn't fit my Jeep between said tool, a snowbank and a telephone.


frannie said...

you should so be the boss of the universe.

vote chick for queen!!!

I wish I knew how to make those buttons. I would make one that said that.

Anonymous said...

I love that you say exactly what we are all thinking!

Angie said...

Now you're scaring me. I was going to take Edison out "west" tomorrow after his half-day of school.

Maybe I'll avoid the interstate.

Joy T. said...

"For the love of Google" AHAHAHAHA!

Amy W said...

Gotta love the Holidays!!

CPA Mom said...

I was just thinking how appealing murder has been lately with our traffic - and why is it that the stupidity exhibited rises in proportion with the price of the car? Why are all the asshats driving Mercedes and Lexus'??? Does being rich mean you can be stupid?

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Amen, sister, amen!

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SJINCO said...

Hahahahaha! So true. SO very true.

Mrs. Booms said...

You make me giggle... ;)

BandK said...

OMG you are too funny!! Dontcha hate it when people decide that getting what they want is more important than common sense, and these people are driving 2000 lb vehicles around??? Yikes, they need to make getting a driver's license a lot harder, me thinks.

Keep up the good work; I just LOVE your blog!!! :-)

Unknown said...

The merge thing? I CANNOT AGREE MORE! Why is the highway filled with people who cannot follow the most basic of traffic rules??

Alpha Dude said...

Amen, and ...uh....yeah