Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Open Letters: Only slightly angry (for once) edition.

Dear son,

I was just kidding when you asked me why there were no gifts under the tree for me and I said, “Because I was really bad this year. Again.” Really, I’ve been very good this year. Daddy is just really not good at doing things like, shopping or remembering what day of the year Christmas falls on.

Don’t worry though. He usually gets it together around December 18th. I have every confidence in his abilities to successfully succeed.

And kudos to you, for looking out. I appreciate the man that you will someday become.


Dear Coworker,

I find your mispronunciations of common sayings quite charming. For example? When you say “I’m in like flint!” I grow to love you even more.

However? Sweetie, when you say, “Put that in your pot and smoke it!” No one knows what you mean. People might think you are partaking in illegal substances. Actually, you kind of sounds like you might be, merely based upon that particular statement.

So, just because I think you are swell, it’s actually, “Put that in your PIPE and smoke it!” Pots are used for calling kettles black.


Dear husband,

Oh my frog, I love you.

I did not know that I could love you more than I loved you last week. Then? You did something really annoying like leaving your little hairs all over the sink after you shaved? And I was like, “Yeah. Not perfect.” But then? You planned a romantic getaway for us to the Biltmore Estate and I was like, “Yeah. REDEEMED!”

Not that gifts are the way to my heart, mind you. I loved you when you were poor and I’d love you the exact same way if you were a millionaire. The gifts just sort of make up for the times when you do things like decide the children need to practice pro-wrestling in the living room while I’m trying to watch “Engaged and Underage”.

So stop that, okay? I really like that program.


I love you! You’re the best husband that an ugly fat girl with two kids on her hips could have ever hoped to find. In fact? Cindy freaking Crawford would have been lucky to get you hot rod!

-Your wife


Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Boy child is amazing. Jason is amazing. Your coworker is a crack up. And even though I've never met him? I seriously, seriously would love to beat on your manager.

SJINCO said...

Ha. That was funny.

That's awesome that boy child looks out for you like that! And my husband doesn't really like to shop much either! Your manager needs to get a clue already and well, have fun on your get away! It sounds fantastic.

J said...

Chick? I love you. (Not in a freaky way. Just in the "man she is cool way.) Can I please be you for a day?

Twisted Cinderella said...

Those are great! Wouldn't you love to send those out. LOL.

Wenderina said...

I was just thinking, "It's been too long since we've had open letters!". But STOP saying you are an ugly fat girl or I'll need to come beat you up! I have a book (fun I promise) to send you, send me an email with a mailing address if you're interested.

Mommyca said...

I *heart* your open letters:o)

Anonymous said...

You? Are awesome.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Everyone else has saidit. So I'm stepping up. I love you Chick.

Hot rod? Douchemesiter? For the love of friggin frogs, where do you .....omg, I'm just laughing.

Angie said...

I made Mark come over and read the first line of the 2nd letter. Nearly wet myself.

You are the bomb, girl. And where you work--that means something, right??


Jocelyn said...

Your coworker also probably thinks things are "nipped in the butt."

All my students do. They look at me blankly when I tell them it's "nipped in the bud."

That makes no sense to them.

Emma in Canada said...

God you've got a good husband. Right now, I am slightly jealous.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

PLEASE honey do not call yourself an ugly fat girl. You know me, right? I'm not a liar. YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL LADY! Okay? Seriously? Got i? Good.

CPA Mom said...

Oh my, the BILTMORE?!?! I used to leave in Asheville, I freaking love that place - I had the annual pass even! Lucky you!

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Ooooh, the Biltmore!! That will be fun. I would love to go.

HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

I hate finding stubbly little shaving remants on my otherwise lovely counter. I feel you.

frannie said...

boy child rocks!

Unknown said...

Those were hilarious. I love folks who can't seem to pronounce things correctly, too. Actually, no. That's a lie. It drives me nuts.

But I do have a favorite to share.

Once upon a time, in a galaxy far, far away... (actually it was when I lived in TN, but on the other side of the state from you), I worked with a lovely little gal that was explaining her friend's recent surgery. She explained how they had to remove the cyst and then autopsy it. I thought I would die I laughed so hard. She had no idea what was so funny, but she got the general idea that I was laughing at her (I know, it was SO mean, but I couldn't help it!) and stomped off in a huff.

To this day, biopsy is just not a word I can actually say without thinking about her friend getting her cyst "autopsied".

Lucky Gem said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only adult that would watch Engaged and Underaged! I'm such a TV dork.