Monday, January 28, 2008


Part 8

Unlike the vast majority of people alive, I had always wanted twins. Always. When I found out that I had some fertility issues, I would pray to God to just let me have ONE baby. Just one. I didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl, I just wanted to have a baby.

It seemed like God was smiling at me, in that moment. You ask for one, I’ll give you two.

Now I’ve come to regard it as basically a one-shot deal. This was my only chance.

I didn’t know it then, though. I didn’t know a lot of things.

My marriage, already strained, got much, much worse. Very quickly.

My husband decided he would get a pager. Not a lot of people had cell phones then, but pagers were pretty popular. I thought it was stupid because I mean, really? He’s not a freaking doctor. He didn’t have a job where he had to be on call. He worked at a factory, for God’s sake. What did he need a pager for?

Then, he opened a separate bank account. In his name only.

And? He stopped putting money in the joint bank account. If I asked him for money, it was like World War III. I was asking for money for things like, the mortgage payment and groceries, not shopping at Saks. If I ever asked for money he'd tell me to go get a job.

He started sleeping on the couch.

Still, none of this seemed alarming to me, really. Maybe I just didn’t really care anymore. I don’t know.

After a while, it started to grate on me. He was gone all the time. He would go to work and not come home when he was supposed to. He started smoking, which he had never done before. He was getting beeped on the pager from people I didn’t know.

One morning I went to him. To the couch where he was sleeping. I sat next to the couch and asked him what was wrong.

He was silent for a moment and then he said.

“I don’t love you anymore”

It was Thanksgiving Day.


frannie said...

how sad!!!

this man makes my soul ache.

J said...

Christ almighty.

I'm so sorry Chick. Once, when I was pregnant my grandmother told me that at least now I would get the unconditional love that I had always wanted/needed and never recieved.

I guess we all need that, huh?

Angie said...

I have to keep reminding myself--as I read this--that the end result is so much better than the HELL you had to endure on the journey.

. . .and for what it's worth, I think a lot of us have the notion of playing in a plastic wading pool and eating homemade blackberry puree with our babies.

I'm so glad that you're writing, and purging this at the same time. It's a good reminder to me to be thankful for the road I've traveled. It's had its bumps and twists and turns. But, I am who I am -- because of that road, and God never leaving my side as I walked.

Alpha Dude said...

As Angie said, I know how this all comes out. But still.....



Anonymous said...

Even knowing how the story ends, my heart is still breaking for you and my mind? Is EXTREMELY furious that anyone, especially your husband, could treat you this way.

SJINCO said...

I just cannot imagine....

Randi said...

Wow. It's hard to imagine that someone could be that insensitive. Well, I guess not that hard to imagine - but horribly sad.

Sarcasta-Mom said...

Please tell me the next line is "And so I kicked him in the balls. Douchebag."

Mrs. Booms said...

I'm with the ball kicking even if I know it's not what happened next.

Anonymous said...

He sucks. Period. Oh wait. He sucks BIG DONKEY DICK.

that is all

Jenski said...

That's great that you got a "complete set" with your twins! My mom "thought" I was twins, in the sense that she really-really wanted twins but had noooooo reason to believe I was actually going to be twins.
I'm saying to myself right now, "Yay twins and Jason!"

Anonymous said...

Wow. This series is killing me. I cannot fathom that anyone could treat another human being so abysmally. I know this story has a happy ending, which is the only thing keeping me from putting my head in the oven, but I want to punch this guy in the larynx for you.
I hope you've come to a place where you truly, truly realize that you never, ever deserved any of that treatment. I know God brought beauty out of ashes for you, but you never, never deserved this treatment. You've ALWAYS deserved to be treated like a beautiful, intelligent, witty, amazing woman.
Because you are.

Red said...


Reading this is reminding me so much of myself and my marriage. My ex did nearly the exact same thing, told me he wanted out on Thanksgiving Day. And like you, I married young. 1 week after high school graduation.

And just remember, that for as bad as this was, you got the happy ending you deserved and are that much stronger for it. : )

Karin's Korner said...

Chick~ I am so sorry and I know exactly what you went through, well...most of it. My husband was kind of the same way except he wanted to sleep in the same room with me cause then he would get sex ( oh boy, oh boy, oh boy..gag) My husband (the love of my life) and I have both expessed that we think that God wanted us to go through the experienced that we did with our X's so that we would know how to cherish what we have now. I totally believe that.

Anonymous said...

The jerk probably played a big part in building the strong Chick we know today, but it's still hard to accept that anyone would treat you this way.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

But thanks for sharing it with the Internet. Who knows, maybe, somewhere on here, a lurker is reading this and she will be able to avoid the same mistake.

Beckie said...

Well...happy thanksgiving. That is just sad and wrong.

Sabrina said...

I am really liking reading about your life journey chick, you are a very strong lady and are very honest and upfront in your writings. I know for a fact that writings to purge your feelings does work, and I hope that this works for you...:)

PaintedPromise said...

hey chick, you didn't know it then, but it was the perfect day for him to do that, because it WAS something to be thankful for - although hell to go through at the time, you are SO MUCH BETTER OFF NOW! been there done that... actually got pg while separated (he was trying to be nice and get me back), once he found out he quit being nice, i filed for divorce, and his next comments were "you are doing this on purpose to get more child support" and "you don't HAVE to have this baby.

to this day he denies telling me to get an abortion, but WHAT ELSE COULD THAT MEAN?????? i'm not THAT stupid. yeah i fell for his act but i did get wise eventually. and my daughter will be 17 next month :)

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad douchbag became disabled. I agree with did you say it was your dad? Bastard.

Sparkling Red said...

This is beyond anything I have ever experienced. I can only be a witness, and be amazed that you came through it all.

Dreamer said...

I'm very glad I know the end result of this as well, or I would want to kick his ass. Actually, I do want to kick his ass, but I hear he's disabled? So, that might not work.

Anyways, I'm very sorry you had to go through this, my heart is aching for you hon. God did smile on you and give you those wonderful children! :)

Kelly said...

Dear God Chick! I'm so sorry you had to go through all this!! My heart aches for you as I read all this!!

I like you totally want twins myself...everyone thinks I'm crazy but I? Think it would be fun!