Wednesday, January 30, 2008


When I opened my eyes, it was March 21st, 1998.

It was the first day of Spring.

My husband was gone. I have no idea where he went, but he wasn’t there. I found that I didn’t care much and set my mind towards taking care of things. Because things? Were scary and wrong.

I buzzed the nurse.

And so it began.

I, who had never in my entire life demanded so much as the basic necessities of what I needed to sustain myself? Demanded that I be given a catheter. Immediately.

The nurse on duty obliged. Told me that in my chart it was written that I had refused a catheter.

The hell.

I was okay for about an hour after that and then, to my horror, I realized that Boy Child had completely stopped moving. Completely.

I buzzed the nurse again and told her she had to do something. RIGHT. THEN.

She tried to tell me I was wrong. That I couldn’t POSSIBLY know that one of the babies had stopped moving. I told her I didn’t THINK one of the babies had stopped moving, I KNEW FOR A FACT THAT MY SON HAD STOPPED MOVING AND SHE WAS GOING TO FIX IT RIGHT THEN, BY GOD.

They hooked me up to a monitor type thing so they could hear the heartbeats.

She tried and tried and tried, and frowned.

Suddenly, I was being put in an ambulance and driven at an extremely high rate of speed to the next town over to a different hospital. One with a very high-level NICU.

A man came in, a handsome doctor man who I, over the next few days, would come to love. I’ll call him Doctor J.

Doctor J came in and spoke to me briefly. I told him how far along I was and what the problems were and how I was feeling. He patted my arm, reassuringly, and said to me, “You’ll be okay. You’ll deliver in about two weeks.”

Two weeks seemed reasonable.

Within five minutes he was back in my room and said, “You will be giving birth in approximately fifteen minutes.”

I, being twenty-two and an idiot said, “Um, no. I won’t.”

He said, “Yes, you will.”

I said, “No. I won’t. I won’t.”

He said, firmly. “Yes. You will. You are. You are going to be prepped for surgery now. NOW.”

I said, lamely, “I don’t have the nursery ready. No one is here.”

He whipped out his personal cell phone and said, “Make your calls. You have one minute. Then you WILL go to be prepped for surgery. You WILL have two babies TODAY. You WILL do this and YOU WILL LIKE IT.”

I loved him.

I called my parents. They were not home. I later found out that they had been trying to reach me on my house phone and they were scared when they couldn’t reach me so they got in their car and started driving toward the hospital I had previously been in. I called my sister who lived three hours away and she immediately got in her car and started driving towards me. I called my husband, God knows where he was. He never answered. I called his parents, they didn’t answer the phone.

Like it or not, I was doing this alone.

I was prepped for surgery. A spinal block was inserted into my back. I cringe, now, almost ten years later when I think about it. I remember the nurse quarreled at me for not taking off my bra. How the hell was I supposed to know that you had to take your bra off to have a baby? How much sense does that make?

I asked the anestheologist to marry me. Repeatedly. He was fairly good natured about it.

I didn’t have a regular C-section. They cut them out of my side. Doctor J told me he was going to carve his name into my stomach. I told him that was fine. I liked his name. I could hear him laughing even though he was a million miles away from me.

One baby came out. It was Boy Child. I don't remember what time it was. Sometime in the afternoon. I've always felt shame that I don't know what time of the day they were born, but I don't.

They wouldn’t let me see him or hold him or anything. They took Boy Child and ran out of the room.

It didn’t occur to me, right that second, that he didn’t even cry.

One minute later, literally one minute, out came Girl Child.

She screamed. They held her up from across the room and I could barely make out her little face, her little fists balled up and angry, her little chest moving up and down.

I couldn’t hold her or touch her. I couldn’t even see her. They took her away.

"Baby" C came out too. Weighing more than Girl Child and Boy Child put together.

One moment I was pregnant and had weeks to go. Literally, one moment later, I was all alone again.

Happy You Gave Birth Day to Me.


Jill said...

way to go for knowing so much about your body. that's awesome. i think doctors need to pay more attention to women's intuition-- oh and honey, they TIME is on their birth certificates! get a certified copy from your local courthouse, if they dont have it, they'll be able to tell you how to get it!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Baby C sucks. However, Babies A & B are WONDERFUL!!!!!!!!!!!! It always gives me chills how you knew that Boy Child wasn't moving. That's wild.

frannie said...

march 21st is my mom's b-day-- and her twin brother's.

I am so proud of you!!! You are so amazing!!!

frannie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SJINCO said...

So sorry that you were all alone, and I'm so sorry that they took the babies away, but I understand why. You are brave my lady. I'm glad they listened to you and did something.

Anonymous said...

I commend you on not backing down. Sometimes medical staff just don't hear their patients unless they don't back down. You're were a strong person, even if you don't think you were. It takes a lot to have a baby and more to have two!
honestly, I wouldn't remember what time my son was born if it wasn't for the birth certificate.

Edie said...

I can't beleive you had to go through all this all alone. What a horrible thing. :(

I did laugh though when you asked the anesthesioligist to marry you!! :)

Denise said...

How many weeks werre you when you went into labor?

J said...

I cried for you today. Happy that Boy and Girl child were ok, and sad that you had to go through it all alone. How scary that must have been.

Karin's Korner said...

You have such a sad story, I find myself sitting here with tears rolling down my face, wishing that I was friends with you then, wishing that I lived down the block and that you could have called me. I would have been there for you...promise!! Your X (not unlike mine) was a DICK!!

Anonymous said...

I cannot imagine going through what you did--let alone doing it alone. You are amazing.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I remember when Becca was born...knowing something was wrong but being too out of it to really absorb the fact. I was vaguely grateful for the pain.

So glad your sweethearts were okay. I don't think I could keep reading this without knowing the happy ending. I'm a whuss like that. ~hugs~

Anonymous said...

Chick - I'm reading them all. Just haven't been able to comment in the last coupla days.

I'm so proud of you. I don't even really know you, but my heart just swelled with love for you when I read this;).

I'm so glad you have your babies.
You are so blessed.

I too carried twins - my daughter made it; and the other didn't (I'm okay with it). I had some similar experiences with toxemia, swelling - too much amniotic fluid in my case, kidneys failing, blah blah.

It's amazing how we find strength we thought we could never muster, hey. God also blessed me with an unspeakable joy in the midst of hell during my pregnancy...along with immense peace.

Love, TLG

Amy W said...

That is really cool that you knew that Boy Child wasn't moving.

Hell, my Mom didn't even know she was having twins.

PaintedPromise said...

OMG, i KNOW that both Boy Child and Girl Child are 10 years old now and fine but HURRY AND WRITE THE NEXT BIT!!!! i am on pins and needles...

and i have to laugh, i know the time on mine, and the weight, but what i can never remember is how LONG they were...

Bethany said...

I just read the everything to date. How I wish I had known you then. How I wish I could have been there for you. I hope that the writing of it all can bring you some peace.

I admire, respect and love you.

Also, the Jeremiah verse? MY verse too.

Anonymous said...

I know it all has a happy ending, but omilord, I'm still on pins and needles.

You, lady, are amazing. I don't know how you made it through all this intact.

Unknown said...

I cannot tell you how glad I am that Boy and Girl are perfect :)
I can sooo relate to not being able to touch your babies when they were born :(.

Sabrina said...

I remember thinking that my anaesthesologist was the most handsome man I'd ever seen before in my life. If my husband wasn't there, I'd have probably asked if I could have married him.

notsosmallfries said...

Being left alone when your babies (baby, in my case) are rushed off to the NICU is one of the worst feelings out there. I had about 2 hours by myself where I just sobbed hysterically all alone. Everyone runs off to see and care for the small fries and then the mommas are left alone with the horror and guilt of how our bodies failed.

If I hadn't had you, BC and GC's faces in my mind's eye--knowing they are thriving--I don't know how I would have done it.

You, my friend, are a rock of strength and love. The twins are so blessed to have you and I am blessed to know you.

I think I'm going to be in hysterics when I read about how you coped during their NICU stay.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you told that nurse he wasn't moving. And, that your intuition was right on. Happy b-day kids!

Dreamer said...

I'm so sorry you were all alone, again.

Daphne said...

You Are Amazing.

I hope you already knew that.

Kelly said...

I can only imagine how scared you were have to go through all that all by yourself! I'm amazed you knew boy child was not moving...mother's intuition..just goes to show what an awesome mother you are.... I'm sorry about Baby C...

Alpha Dude said...

I tried to leave you a comment early this morning. I would have been first. But blogger kicked me off. It was a great comment too!

I just want you to know that done did good, Chick.

You done did good.

I truly hope you had a beautiful day today.


Jules said...

this series has been just heartbreaking to read. you are so, so strong to have survived all this and to have created a great life now.
many hugs to you and your wonderful family!

Angie said...

Again, I'm with Alpha Dude. You did great. I am so proud of you.

When do I get to tell you that in person. eh???

Jude said...

When are nurses going to listen to us! we know our bodies....our babies our part of our bodies for 9 months...we know them before they are born....although I didn't admit for the first 8 1/2 months that my daughter was a girl, I knew she was..and so very glad!!
I love reading your blog!!!

my4kids said...

You have been through so much but your kids are so lucky to have you. I remember feeling alone when I had Joshua early my hubby was around but they couldn't get ahold of him right away so he wasn't able to see me before they wheeled me in. I know it's not the same but it is such a frightening thing to do alone even if only for a minute let alone what you went through. I was in shock with him though my body was shutting down so they had to knock me out. I didn't see him until the next day just as they were moving him to another hospital that was better for him since they couldn't handle his needs there.

katydidnot said...

the anestheoologist is probably kicking himself for not getting the justice of the peace right. then. and. there.

EE said...

You did that all alone????
You are one strong rockin' chick!
Under anestegia, I seem to tell the doctors how hot they are:o

Ashley said...

Okay, you know I love you but I have been doing some major refreshing :)

AnnieM said...

Totally fascinating! i think you know that my first was a preemie? I swear, I have a special bond with him from all we went through. It is so hard having a pre-term baby, people don't understand unless they've done it. And you? You did it on your own! You are one strong woman and should be very proud!