I went to college in the Fall. It was 1993.
I? Did not do well.
Life was so weird. For the first time, I couldn’t concentrate. My mom had cancer and I was really conflicted about everything. I was in college, studying nursing. It became very clear to me, very quickly that I did not belong in nursing school. Right then? I didn’t belong in college. I couldn’t focus. I was working too much. I was consumed with my boyfriend. I was focused on trying to make him love me and want to be with me.
Because really? He just wasn’t that into me.
I guess hindsight is 20/20. Now that I am in a real, loving, stable marriage I see how very odd the relationship was. He would go for days and days without talking to me or seeing me and it really didn’t seem to bother him, at all. Granted we were both busy. He had a full-time job at a factory and worked nights. I went to school during the day and worked all night. Sometimes I would see his car driving down the other side of the road as I drove from school to work. I would wave.
That was our relationship. We occasionally waved at one another.
He wasn’t interested in what I was studying or my work. He wasn’t interested in my writing or my friends or my family. Basically, anything that had to do with me? He just wasn’t involved in it.
Somehow, I convinced myself that didn’t matter.
At that time, too, I started having female problems. I loathe the words “female problems” lumped together like that, like some, I don't know, feminine angry circus clown.
I started having periods that lasted months at a time. I had a “bump” that came up. You could actually see it through my skin, through my clothes. I went to doctor after doctor after doctor and told them, “I’m bleeding all the time. I’m so tired. I’m exhausted. I need help”. They couldn’t find anything wrong. It was because I was overweight. It was normal…lots of people had periods that lasted a long time! One doctor told me it was all in my head and I snapped. I just snapped and I yelled at him “It’s not in my head, it’s in my vagina!” He was not amused. He also did not help me.
I finally met a woman, a Nurse practitioner, who was so wonderful and so fabulous and told me the truth. That my problems were real and serious and I wasn’t normal, not even a little bit. I can’t remember her exact words, but this is really, really close:
“If you want to have children, you don’t need to wait around”
Well, I wasn’t married. I wasn’t engaged. I was a freaking kid. I was seventeen years old.
And suddenly, every single second of my life felt like I was wasting time. Must find husband! Must have child! Cannot wait! Cannot waste time! MUST. FIX. THIS.
I had to get married because there was absolutely no way in hell I was going to be a single mother. No way.
(Go ahead and laugh. I laugh about this all the time)
So I, at seventeen, decided that he was The One.
The One who would marry me. Be the father of my children. Be the one to fix it. Be the one to save me.
This is hard for me to type and I don't even know if I could say it out loud.
I am horribly, horribly ashamed now, even now, years later, that the reason that he was The One?
Was simply because he was there.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
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Honey, I think there are other women that would've definately done the same thing.
I know exactly what you mean. Glad that's over for you!!
"I was focused on trying to make him love me and want to be with me. Because really? He just wasn’t that into me." and He wasn’t interested in what I was studying or my work. "He wasn’t interested in my writing or my friends or my family. Basically, anything that had to do with me? He just wasn’t involved in it. Somehow, I convinced myself that didn’t matter." Really hit home. OUCH.
Awww, Chick. I know it must have been so hard for you. I hate that you had to go through all of that, but since you got Boy Child and Girl Child, I am sure that made all the pain worthwhile.
I need to ask you a few questions, so don't be suprised when I email you later!
I swear we have lived a virtually parrallel life!
Keep going Chick.
You are most definitely NOT alone.
Have a most blessed day today!
I would do some crazy things if a doctor told me that I had to if I wanted babies. I can only imagine how that would have lit a fire under me as a teenager...
I am loving your saga, and admire you so much knowing what you've been through.
Its so great that you can be so honest with yourself. Most people lie to themselves about really painful things that happened to them but you seem so completely honest, I love that about you.
I'm really glad that you got out of that relationship and learned what you are worth, I'm sure you appreciate Jason that much more...and yourself.
Sometimes I think if I had not been lucky enough to meet Kenny that I would have kept dating men that were "just there." I think plenty of women do the same thing. It's not like we are conciously saying, "What the heck, I will make do with you." I think it is because we feel like failures if we can't make it work, like it is somehow our fault. So we work with what is in front of us. Lucky for you (and me!) that eventually something snapped. You realized it. And although it was horrible (and if you are like me, still makes you cringe if you think about any of it), you came out on top. You have found Jason. Your children have a wonderful mom and a great father.
But, still, all the greatness now doesn't really ever bury it, does it? That I understand. Hopefully, writing it, getting it out, will help you.
Honestly, we've all stuck to a relationship that, looking back, we say, wtf was I thinking?!?! Ok so half the relationships I've had were like that.
I stayed with this one guy forever because I was lonely at first and I wanted someone to love me. He didn't act like it but he said he did. Then I miscarried and since we had both went through a horrible time in my life together, i thought it would be worth sticking it out. That was horrible.
btw, your response to the doctor almost made me choke on my coffee. Just because they don't know what's wrong they automatically think it's in your head. Doctors can be very narrow-minded that way.
Hope you don't mind me reading your blog.
He may not have been The One, but you wouldn't have those beautiful kids had you not married him!! Don't be so ashamed!
Hey... I had no idea that you knew that much about me and my first husband... lol
Toe stepper today Chick... :)
But as the other Heather said (we, with that name, are so super intelligent and insightful) if it weren't for the false One, you wouldn't have Boy Child and Girl Child... and without them, what would you blog about? :D
which is exactly why i married my first husband. E-X-A-C-T-L-Y.
Don't be ashamed. You and I both know that children are a blessing (most of the time).
Anything I'd say has already been said. I give you an "I love you. You're amazing and I wish I was half the woman you are!"
Wow. I love the way you are writing this.
I, too, heard those exact same words from a doctor. I am lumped into the "feminime problems" category as well. I was 19 and in a steady relationship. It didn't work out but it wasn't me who ended it. He did. I totally had the same thoughts though. I must get pregnant, I must have a baby. I must, I must. This is the guy I am going to be with forever. I was told "You must have your entire family by 30 or you probably won't have children." YIKES!! That is not something you should say to a teenager because the reaction they have is the exact one you describe here.
I totally see what your thought process was here... at 17. :(
It's amazing how things from the past (that have since worked out) can still haunt us and make us feel so horrible about ourselves.
You are not alone. You were just a kid and there aren't many kids who would not have felt and acted the same way. Give that girl you were a break--and a hug.
i tagged you for a meme over at the mouse house!
Don't ever be ashamed of that. If you had not made that decision, you would not have those two wonderful children you have. You were seventeen and scared and alone. No one at seventeen should have to make decisions like those.
I just wanted to tell you that you are a phenomenal writer and I am really enjoying your posts... and honesty is beautiful!
So many women convince themselves of the same thing, Chick...just to not be alone. You? At least had another force driving you. You were afraid. And that's okay.
Wow. What you have been through... you are a true survivor!
Thanks for sharing your story. I'll be back to read more.
You were 17 years old. Amazing. What else were you supposed to do? You were 17 and basically given a deadline on child bearing. Freaking incredible.
My one that I thought was the one was only my one because he was there too. I thought I was the most insecure teenager on the face of the planet, but I think I found my competition!
And you turned out way better, because here I am 15 some years later still doing it.
Many women do that, whether they're 17 or 47.
I started to panic after some chick on Oprah said a woman's chance of conceiving decreases exponentially after the age of 27. I was 28 and single and suddenly felt like an old maid.
"I am horribly, horribly ashamed now, even now, years later, that the reason that he was The One?
Was simply because he was there."
Those words could have been said by me - exactly.
Sometimes the decisions of our youth bring us so much pain. Thank you for being so open and sharing your heart with us!
I'm so glad you have Jason and two wonderful children now. I hope that and sharing this painful story both help soften the pain.
Yes. And yes. I can identify.
My ex-husband was not a bad man. Not at all. But he was not right for me. And I married him a lot in part due to my fear of being alone. And then we got divorced and I ended up alone and then soon after in a relationship that was SO much worse than my marriage.
So now? Now, I am a single mother. Alone. And yet figuring out life, myself and men for the first time--and CORRECTLY--at the age of, um, mid-30ish.
So, yes. Thanks for writing what you are writing and helping so many of us feel less alone.
Do not ever feel ashamed. Lots of women would've reacted the exact same way. And, when your fertility is in question? No holds barred.
I know 36-year-olds who have used that logic to choose and stick with relationships. In a very perverse way, it doesn't sound all that "off" to me. You wanted kids. You made it happen.
Can't wait to read the next installment...don't be ashamed!
Don't be ashamed, remember you were 17 we make a lot of bad decisions at 17 and when you have a dr tell you something like that....
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