Saturday, February 02, 2008

Taxes 4 Less!

It's tax season and you know what that means!

Well, maybe it means something else for you. For me? It means I'm hating life for the next few months.

And I don't DO taxes or anything. But my husband does. Which means I don't see him from mid-January until April 15th. Every now and then he comes home, grunts something at me, eats something, and goes to bed.

It's lovely, really.

Anyway, this morning I planned on sleeping in because, well it's the weekend for one, and also? My job just sucks so bad that it's not even that I'm resting on the weekend, I'm just trying to avoid shrieky people and audits and "just one more thing".

Jason has to work, however, and this morning his alarm went off slightly before the buttcrack of dawn and of course he let it go off about 80 times before he actually got up and then he says,

"Hey! I have a great idea!"

In case you are someone who is unfamiliar with my marriage, whenever he says this? It is never, ever, EVER, EVER, EVER a good idea. Ever. In fact? It's almost always a horribly bad idea.

Today's idea? Did not disappoint.

"How about you bring the kids to my office and have them hold up signs by the highway!"

"Signs!?" I asked. "What kind of signs?"

"You know! Signs that say We do Taxes! Or, Taxes for less! OH! Taxes 4 Less! With the number instead of the letters!"

"No," I said, sullenly, upset that my sleep was disturbed for this nonsense.

"What if I promise you sexual favors?" he asked.

"Number one, I'm not a guy so that doesn't work," I said. "Number two, no."

That went on for about twelve years and somehow, he wore me down. He always does, somehow.

He left and went to work and I went to tell the children about the plan for the day. I found the Girl Child watching Spongebob.

"Girl Child," I said. "You need to get dressed so we can go hold up signs by the highway."

"The hell with that!" she declared.

No really, she did. I laughed for like two hours about that.

We went to Party City which really isn't a fun place, despite it's name. As a side note: To the chick working at Party City? Could you be more of a complete bitch? I mean, seriously. Your entire job is to blow up balloons. You even have a helium tank. You don't have to blow them up with your own breath even. Please do not act like you are SO PUT OUT by me asking you to DO YOUR STUPID JOB.

Also? Come do my job for one day. Just one. Then you can be a bitch and act like blowing up balloons all freaking day is hard.


On the way to Party City we had seen two men dressed as Uncle Sam, sitting at the bus stop. We laughed hysterically about that and I said, "Gas prices are so high Uncle Sam can't even afford to drive!" The kids laughed at that too, but they didn't get it.

Party City had those Uncle Sam hats, so I got the kids those too.

We went to the office, tied the balloons to the street sign, wrote TAXES 4 LESS! on posterboard and stood by the highway.

And absolutely nothing happened.

Well, I take that back. The following happened:

-Twelve people honked
-One guy flipped us a bird (he must work for H&R block)
-Someone threw an entire bag of garbage out of their car window. I'm seriously not kidding, like a huge Hefty Bag of garbage. It went everywhere, all over the road. The car behind it plowed into it at 60 mph and it just exploded. Diet Pepsi bottles flew like bullets.
-Boy Child danced numerous jigs, tipped his hat to the traffic, did the finger point thing like Uncle Sam in the pictures, and shrieked, "TAXES!" and occassionally, "CORN!" like that Bobby Lee stand-up comedy routine.

Did I mention it was about 42 degrees? Because it was.

Not one person stopped. Not even one person slowed down.

Total taxes done for the day? Zero.

I? Was considerably annoyed.

We got in the car to come home and Boy Child said, his eyes shining, "Man! That was SO much fun!"

"Fun?" I asked, skeptically. "Really?"

"Yeah!" he said. "I got to wear a hat and scream at traffic. It doesn't get any better than that!"

I like the way that kid thinks.


Tarasview said...

bwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha... oh you are so funny.


Angie said...

Do you mean to tell me that if I would driven down KP. . . and would've gotten stopped in traffic on KP. . . I would have had to STOP in the midst of KP traffic to gawk at Boy Child, Girl Child and YOU?!?!?

Seriously . . .for the love of Uncle Sam. . . I'm about to cry that I didn't need to go to *that* part of town.

Off to pout.....

Red P. Bucket said...

I drove past a woman clad in a statue of liberty costume holding a sign for some random business today, and all I could think was "man I'd hate to have that job". At least you had boy child to make it bearable!

MdG said...

OMG!!!! You took YOUR children to Jason's work!!!!??? AAHAHAHAH!!!!If that chick complains about that, you'll have to tell us about it!!

I like your Uncle Sam joke though. That's pretty freaking funny.

Denise said...

Too funny! "too hell with that"!!

SJINCO said...

Funny. Too bad no one stopped to get their taxes done, but at least ya'll had fun doing your thing!

Tricia said...

Okay....I don't even know where to begin.

First, Uncle Sam riding the bus! Why, why did you not have a camera for this moment?

Second, I am glad someone else laughs when their kids scream obscenities.

Third, Boy Child rocks (not that Girl Child doesn't). I think he might enjoy life more than anyone I have ever heard of. Oh to be that happy.

Amy W said...

Both of your children are riots...really.

And yes, I would love to scream at traffic too!!

frannie said...

boy child and girl child crack my ass up!!!!

Dreamer said...

hahahahahaha.... Someone really pitched garbage out of their window? Wow. Fun, fun, fun! teeheehee.

Anonymous said...

dear son...OMG...too funny...trash? real trash? how sad!

Jenski said...

So how did Jason finally wear you down? :) I was about to rewrite all the conversation pieces I think are hysterical from your day, but I pretty much think the whole thing is funny. "Number one, I'm not a guy so that doesn't work." HA. "The hell with that!" HAHA. Etc.

I'm glad Boy Child had a great day!

Alpha Dude said...

Your life is so much fun.

Did you get any pictures?

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Please box up your kids and send them to me priority overnight. I know girl child is allergic to my cat and stuff (or did we decide it was the dust from the jackhammer drilling into the concrete block?) but I will drug her with allegra or something.

As a side note, you are too kind! I would have given up after about 4 minutes with the signs. The hell with that indeed! LOL

Anonymous said...

I like the way that kid thinks, too! lmao

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

What a clever, clever boy that boy child is!

so tired said...

I am surprised after the last episode of "bring your kid to work day" that you and your kids would go anywhere near that office. I am more surprised that your husband is the one that suggested it since he is the one that was reprimanded when that stupid bitch complained.

If I were you there is no way I would have spent my precious free time helping out someone else's business that didn't seem to appreciate my husband enough.

You must be a bigger more forgiving person than I am. Or maybe I am just too lazy.

Unknown said...

Oh LOL! At least someone enjoyed the day :)


I think if BC and GC had to hold up signs on the highway then that bitch receptionist's BABY should have been there holding up a sign...I'm just saying...

Why am I so bitter? Because we have to PAY taxes this year, because we are SO wealthy...bahahaaahaaaaa...not quite sure how we are going to pay back the payday advance loans NOW...

Unknown said...

Those kids are too perfect. And, tell Jason now you have a great idea. He can do all the housework for the week.

Anonymous said...

LMAO! Ah, thanks, Chick. I needed a good laugh.

Stephanie said...

That was hilarious. Especially the picture that's now in my head of Boy Child dancing a jig and yelling "CORN" at the top of his lungs.

Too funny.

Sabrina said...

The things we do to our kids. I mean for our kids....

Anonymous said...

Well, glad he thought it was fun, it sounds like hell to me! And I can't believe somebody flipped you guys the bird, when you're standing there with two children, that is classy with a capital K right there!

And you? Are way too good of a person, I would have just said 'to hell with that' with girl child!

julie said...

That's funny. Sounds like he has a new job!

The people who stand outside the tax places here wear a Statue of Liberty costume, or Uncle Sam. But one of the Statues is red. I'm not sure what that means.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Well, actually, the trash fell outta the back of my truck. And, sorry about that finger thing. My bad.

Julie said...

wow, you are a really good wife.

Real Life in South Carolina said...

Your kids are awesome...they must get it from you. :)

my4kids said...

That Boy Child is too funny!

Kelly said...

Way too the reactions your kids had...

EE said...

1. Where are the pictures?
2. Did you get your sexual favors??