For some reason that I will never clearly understand, people I work with like to stand outside my office door and speak in really loud, inappropriate voices about things that do not interest me in any way.
Co-Douche#1: I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY ARE SAYING WE ARE IN A RECESSION! I JUST BOUGHT MY FIFTEENTH HOUSE! I THINK I'LL LET MY DOGS LIVE THERE! MAYBE WE'LL HIRE SOMEONE TO LIVE WITH THEM!
Co-Douche#2: DID YOU KNOW I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN GOD AND THAT I DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ALL DAY LONG EXCEPT ANNOY PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY TRYING TO WORK?
Co-Douche#1: WELL, YOU DO HAVE A PENIS, SO YOU TOTALLY DESERVE ALL THAT MONEY!
Co-Douche#2: YOU KNOW THAT'S RIGHT.
Sometimes they have cell phone conversations. Apparently if you are talking on your cell phone? No one around you can hear your conversation. Seriously. Did you know this? It must be true because things like this happen all the time:
Co-Douche#3: NO. I'M TALKING ABOUT THE CREAM. NOT THE PILLS. THE CREAM. FOR THE RASH? RIGHT. I NEED SIX TUBES. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. YEAH! I'M GOING TO GET SHITFACED TONIGHT! I'M ABOUT HALFWAY THERE NOW! YEAH! HA!
And so on.
So I shut the door. In fact, I often slam the door.
It does me no good. They simply speak louder.
Co-Douche#1: DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO TURN ON THE COMPUTER? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN ON THIS COMPUTER. I THINK I NEED TO HIRE ABOUT SIX ADMINS AND PAY THEM MORE THAN THAT GIRL IN THERE. WHAT'S HER NAME?
Co-Douche#2: I THINK IT'S SHERRY.
Co-Douche#1: YES. SHERRY. CLEARLY. I THINK I NEED TO HIRE SOME ADMINS AND PAY THEM MORE THAN SHERRY IN THERE. YOU KNOW. SHERRY WHO HAS HER COLLEGE DEGREE AND DOES MORE WORK IN A DAY THAN ALL OF US PUT TOGETHER.
Co-Douche#2: THAT WILL REALLY MOTIVATE SHERRY TO WORK HARDER.
My name is not Sherry. But they are talking about me. And in case there is any doubt whatsoever? I am not motivated. I am the complete, polar opposite of motivated.
So, not surprisingly, I've pretty much decided I'm over this.
If I want to talk to someone who sits three or four doors away from me, I don't walk to their office. I don't call them, nor do I email.
I sit right at my desk and shout at the top of my lungs:
"HEY CO-WORKER! DID YOU WANT DOCUMENT XXX OR DOCUMENT XYZ?"
And if someone sneezes anywhere in the building, I scream:
"GOD BLESS YOU!"
Really, it's the best plan ever.
At the very least? They are standing in front of someone else's door to talk.
Which is good. Because I don't want to catch anyone's rash. For reals.