Thursday, April 17, 2008

Educating the masses.

Above everything, I want to be a good mother.

I want to teach my children right and wrong and that gray area in-between. I want them to grow up and one day say, "My mom? She kicked ass and took names and while now, I am a successful, self-sufficient individual? I am really pleased with the time I got to spend with her."

Or something. I don't know.

That being said, when my husband behaves in a boneheaded manner? I think it is my personal responsibility to politely point it out to my son, so that he does not think it is acceptable to behave in a boneheaded manner.

Take this weekend. Jason wanted to go out to eat. I was fine with this, surprisingly. Normally, I don't like to eat out. I hate crowds and, well, people. I don't like to not wear pajamas if it's the weekend. I just feel like my weeks suck so freaking bad that it is not only my right, but my responsibility, to lay around like third base all weekend long.

But I agreed. Because frankly? I didn't feel like cooking. Or deciding what to cook.

So he wanted to go to a pizza buffet. One that is somewhat known for having three hundred unruly children running amok and parents who could give a crap. But, okay, fine. We hadn't been there in seriously about a year, and the kids like it, and they have a salad bar, so I was sure it would be fine.

It is instead? A madhouse.

We managed to find a table and had to ask someone to clean it off for us. It's crammed in the back corner of the place and a woman with a child who appears to be two years old and two young men who appear to be about fourteen come and sit next to us.

I mean, literally. Right. Next. To. Us.

And the woman? Has a really bad staring problem.

People stare at me. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because I'm a big fat-ass. But I kind of doubt that because that lady wasn't exactly thin or anything. Maybe it's because my hair rocks. But I kind of doubt that too, because she obviously did not have an appreciation for good hair based on the pubic-looking nightmare which was all over her head.

I really think it's because I...get ready, this is groundbreaking...actually talk to my kids like they are people.

I know, right? Shocking.

I think she was pretty jealous that those two fourteen year old boys were ugly and rude and ignored everything she said and my kids do things like, you know, act right.

So anyway. This is a self-serve place and the cups are really freaking small. I ran out of drink pretty quickly.

So did Jason. And he went and got himself another drink, but did not get me any.

I know. I know. Not earth shattering. He's not awful. He's not terrible. He's not the WORST HUSBAND EVER!

He's fine. But he should have gotten me, his wife, a drink. Or at least offered.

So this is a teaching opportunity for the Boy Child, clearly. I waited until Jason came back to the table and I said,

"Boy Child? Do you see that your mother is out of soda?"

He nodded.

"What would be the polite response to your mother if she was out of soda?"

"Mom? Can I get you another soda?" asked Boy Child. Meanwhile, Starey McMoronPants next to us watched. Mouth agape.

"Certainly," I said. "And Boy Child? If you were having dinner with your grandmother and she ran out of soda, what would you say?"

"Imaginary Grandma," he said. "Would you like another soda?"

"Good," I said. "And if your sister ran out of soda?"

"Girl Child, since I am getting more soda, can I get you another one too?"

"Good," I said. "Basically, anytime you are dining with a lady and she runs out of drink, you should always, always, always offer to get her some more. ESPECIALLY if you are getting yourself some."

Then, noticing that the woman next to us was COMPLETELY NOT MINDING HER OWN BUSINESS I added,

"Unless it's a lady of the night. You shouldn't be dining with them. Not here anyway. They only like Shoney's."

Because, frankly? Stare-Ann Starepants looked like she could use some education too.


Zephyr said...

Well I'm glad your boy-child did not get ME a new drink just now, because it would have been spit all over my keyboard when I read the lady of the night comment.

And what was left came out when I saw Shoney's mentioned.

Hypothetically, of course.

AndreAnna said...

My favorite line was "Imaginary grandma" I literally snorted! LOL

We talk to my daughter like a person and always have. Even though she's only two, she can talk as well as some 3-4 year olds. People always ask why or how I got her to talk so well for her age. And I reply "Because I treat her like a human, not a puppy. I converse with her. I ask her how her day was. Even when she was a newborn, I spoke to her like an intelligent, empathetic person, not like an idiot"

Usually shuts them up pretty quick.

Tricia said...

Please, please tell me that finally got that lady to look away! That is great. I want to come hang out with you. I have a feeling I would leave with my cheeks hurting from laughing so much!

And really, I notice people always look at me like I am crazy when I squat down to talk to my children. It baffles them. They can't figure out why on Earth someone would bother to talk to a child face-to-face when you have the power to tower over them!

Cricky said...

That cracks me up. My 8 year old talks to us just as we talk to her...with respect.

I don't baby talk her or talk down to her. I want her to know she's my equal, not my property.

Shoney's....are the even open anymore?

Mrs. Booms said...

You're a nice lady.

Now I'm the type that when someone stares at me, like this 16 year old girl in a shoe store did a few weeks ago, I assumed it was because I was awesome.

I asked her what she was looking at and my husband stopped me just short of saying something along the lines of "take a picture to study how to be awesome in the privacy of your own home."

But I'm not a nice lady. :)

so tired said...

You should have added how it's not polite to stare and eavesdrop to your impromptu life lesson. And made sure it was loud enough for your "friend" to hear......

Anonymous said...

We are so much alike it is scary! Uh, scary for you, not the other way around. If I lived closer you would so have a restraining order against me. hehe

You know I love you and I'm only kidding (kind of).

Stephanie said...

HA! You are hilarious!

Nancy said...

Don't take this the wrong way... but seriously?? I LOVE YOU!!!

Angie said...

Love it. Love it. Love it.

. . .especially "imaginary Grandma."

Wasn't that a song in the 70s?

Anonymous said...

Shoneys!!! I haven't heard of that place in YEARS

Karin's Korner said...

LOOOOOOOVE IT!!!! You are one of the best mothers!!

Anonymous said...

"Imaginary Grandma"....


Snappy said...

Gah!! We still have a Shoney's! Their breakfast bar rocks! And also, I make kissy faces and wink at people who stare at me.

Robyn said...

The only other thing that would make this post even more if you had pictures of Miss Starepants. great..all of it!

A's Mom said...

Good lesson to Boy Child. I'll have to remember this one.

And Mrs. Stares-a-lot really should have been minding her business too. What is up with people like that?? She could have atleast smiles and offered you a drink if she really wanted in the conversation. Gaaah!

Patiently waiting said...

Absolutely freaking hilarious! Alas, we are going to be eating at one of "those" places tomorrow night for Abi's soccer banquet.

frannie said...

you should teach a class on etiquette... and whores. :)

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

What a brilliant mum you are!

This post made me laugh soooo hard!

Allie said...

Clearly your kids get their sense of humor from you, once again boy child cracked me up...and of course you do everyday. Unless you posted something sad, I don't laugh then, that's just mean.

Tarasview said...


Anonymous said...

I think people stare because they are in awe of your awesomeness. Plus your hair does totally rock. Love the lesson. Would have totally had to build a shrine to you if you included a lesson about staring and eavesdropping!

Jennilu said...

Too funny! If only you could have snapped a photo of Ms. Starepants as you made your lady of the night comment. That, I'm sure, was priceless.

KiKi said...

Great. My loud, crazy bark-laugh woke Zeze. Thanks, Chick.

EE said...

You guys are so much fun!!!

Birth Sister Doula Services said...

Please move to St. Louis. Please. I want hang out with you! And I promise I won't stare, but I will get you more soda! :)

Jill said...

you kill me. yeah i hate it when people 'mealy mouth' to their kids like they're little dogs or something... at least you said lady of the night and not hooker. sheesh! ha ha ha ha ha! okay that was probably only funny to me. but i have to agree with you on setting a 'boy' straight. its a GOOD thing, mom. it really is!

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Maybe she was staring because she recognized you from your blog.

If so? HI, Starey McMoronpants! Turn around!


I'm pretty sure people stare at you for the same reason they stare at me, because we are so incredibly beautiful, breathtaking in a way that nobody else can even fathom and it is impossible to look away, even for a moment...

Anonymous said... sooo funny...!

Joey said...

Can I just mention that I laughed so hard I snorted. . .
Okay, I chucked, snorted, and continued to laugh.
But it did make me LOL i swear.