When I moved to North Carolina about two hundred years ago, I met a nice older lady at church, who wanted me to make friends and fit in and start a whole new life in North Carolina. She was determined to help me on this path and she decided that I should go out and have dinner with this new girl who she was sure would be my best friend because we had so much in common.
What we had in common? Was that we both had two kids and our husbands had left us for other women.
So we went to dinner and bless her heart, she was a sweet person, but she and I had absolutely nothing in common other than the sad states of our marriages. I cannot for the life of me remember what the name of this lady was, but I vividly remember that apparently her parents had money and they had bought her a house (would never happen in my life) and that her husband had come over one day so she could go to the store and he could watch the kids and he had downloaded porn on the internet or some crap while she was gone. And I could keep thinking was, "Wow! She doesn't even have a job!" Not that there is anything wrong with not having a job, but I couldn't help but think, "Who is supporting her? Her dad?" Because her husband or ex-husband or whatever was a deadbeat who couldn't keep a job and loved the porn. Oh and she ate corn on the cob and a big piece of corn got stuck between her front teeth and I was trying really discreetly to tell her and she totally didn't get it so she walked around for like an hour with corn in her teeth.
I'm sure she was a lovely person, but she and I were not meant to be friends. I suppose sometimes tragedies such as those she and I were facing make people become close. But us? No.
I wonder sometimes if it's just harder for me to make friends or be friends with people. I don't know. Sometimes it feels that way. I mean, granted, just because that chick had a similar situation in her life didn't automatically mean we were going to be bff, and it sort of irritates me that anyone would even assume that, but still. It seems hard for me to make friends.
People like me, despite what my particularly stupid co-workers say. But I don't get very close to many people.
I can't figure out why, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with me. Probably also has something to do with the fact that I hate people. I'm not sure though.
I just know I don't fit in. I didn't belong in North Carolina. It seemed like all the girls there I met had the same hair and the same purse and they all dressed the same and they all spoke in accents I couldn't even understand at all and a lot of them liked to get drunk. I know this isn't indicative of everyone in the state or anything. I'm just saying. This was the kind of people I met. Everyone was engaged and getting married and here I was...divorced and a loser. Oh and I was the only one who had kids, and no one could relate.
Then I moved here and my neighbors are crackwhores and the people I work with are generally older and they are just now having their first kids and adopting and my kids are older and I make a lot of references to Monty Python and I don't know anything about NASCAR and I don't feel like I fit in here either.
I can't work it out in my head if I'm awful or not.
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22 comments:
wow, repeat irony. i wrote out this big long post about friendship - or rather the fading away of such - and wound up deleting it because i decided i wasn't ready to throw it out there. but essentally i was think some of the same things.
i don't think its you. i seriously don't. and really, who needs friends like your neighbors???
I have a terrible time making friends, and it makes me incredibly grateful for the ones I have.
Nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean?
I don't trust people easily and don't make friends easily as I am shy. But the friends I have are very close and I trust them with my life and the lives of my children.
Like any relationship advice, it is not you, you just have not met the right people with whom to be friends. One day you have acquaintances and then another day you will realize you consider one of them a friend. It is hard to trust people! And stupid people are totally not worth it. Obviously.
I always have trouble fitting in too. I've never met anyone with a life like mine... so far.
Definitely not awful. But having people treat you like you are? That seriously messes with a person's head. Makes it hard to be open, which makes it hard to get close. That sounds so, so trite, but I think that's the main thing. It's not you, it's what been done to you, you know? Or maybe I'm just projecting because that's how it went down with me.
I don't really have anything too constructive to say except that Jenski is right. You just haven't found the right group of people.
I do disagree with what Tara is getting at. If we were only friends with people who were just like us, life would be pretty boring.
I don't have issues making friends; I never have. But, I also am the type of person who will talk to anyone, and be open to all sorts of friendships. One of my best friends is 44 and childless. Another is a SAM with two kids. Others I have known since I was a kid and though I have nothing in common with anymore, are still my friends. Sometimes opening yourself up enough to be open to different kinds of people, even the ones we don't think we'd like, is hard because we're putting ourselves out there. Sometimes we don't trust or like ourselves enough to do that. Just like you have so much to offer people, they have a lot to offer us if we just let them.
Not saying that's the case for you or anything, but is IS scary and hard to put yourself out there to make friends.
I have a hard time making good friends. Just ask Allie. Hell, Allie and I fight enough that you would think that we wouldn't be friends, but we are. I think that there are 2 things that could happen here.
1. You move somewhere (in 2009, summertime...Colorado...hint hint) and you feel completely at home. You make friends, and life is completely normal. You feel like you have come home.
2. You move and move and you keep meeting horrible trashy people. And then one day decide that women just suck. You make a few good friends and try to stick to the not-trashy people.
I have had both happen. Seriously? It could be where you live, or the people who live there, but overall? I think that most people just don't have the common sense to see just how trashy they are.
I think you are a great person, and I think the fact that you don't WANT to be like them or befriend them shows just how mature and responsible you really are.
So....ever go and see the Rocky Mountains?
I don't make friends very easily. A) I'm a bitch and B) I'm not always thinking people are lovely. But, when I DO make friends, I hang onto them. I value my friendships with those that I have that treasured bond with.
I don't think it's you. I don't believe you're an awful person. If people don't like you, well tough crap patties for them.
Move to NY. Hang out with me. We'd have a fantastic time :)
Well. .. I love Monty Python AND I love NASCAR. What does that say about me???
Well. .. I love Monty Python AND I love NASCAR. What does that say about me???
Not awful at all!!! I just can't believe how much of what you write is coming from my own thoughts... I feel the same way. And I don't care anymore either, I don't have any "friends" just acquaintances and to tell you the truth, I don't even know when I would have time to nurture friendships. Friends require too much of my attention that I would rather give to my son, husband, and family.I think there is something wrong with people who try to hard to have friends...
Ahh - you're alright, Chick:).
The problem with making friends, when we get a little older, is we're a little more jaded. Also? Everyone tends to judge and jump to conclusions about other people instead of just seeing them as a person.
At least that's been my experience. I hate being judged and that's a huge part of why I don't easily make friends. Because as soon as I even sniff judgement coming my way? I'm outta there. I just won't get sucked into any kind of relationship where the other person gets all up in my business without getting to know me really well first.
You're not awful, you're just different. I'm the same, I don't make friends easily, you would think that I would since I talk a lot and am pretty friendly. I don't settle when it comes to friendship though, I mean you could easily hang out with your neighbors and eventually find something in common but you don't settle. I'd rather have fewer great friends than a ton of average friends.
Oh and I agree with J, Colorado is nice...and I'll be there in 10 years max...lol.
I seriously suck at making friends. My six-year-old tries to coach me on this all the time. I never realized I had a problem making friends until I was adult. I went to school with the same kids from elementary through high school, and I always had a group. Hell, I still hang out with most of them. But truth be told, I don't have much in common with them anymore. But I just suck at meeting new people. I think it is because I always assume people will dissapoint me, so I just don't try.
Move to MO...I'm sure we'd be great friends! You could trade in your crackwhore neighbors for the 14 year old felon in my neighborhood:)
I only have a few people in my life that are true 'friends'. The rest are all just acquaintances to me even though I'm friendly and nice and chit chat with them. I'm like you, I don't let myself get close to people; unless they are truly special.
I'm sure there isn't anything wrong with you! You are a wonderful person! Come to CO :) I'll show you around.
Not.awful.
In the wrong state!
I felt the SAME way when I lived in NC.
It's not you. It's hard sometimes finding your peer group. That's all.
i don't make friends easily either... but hey, we're not losers... we are loved by the people who matter most!
After the age of 6, making friends gets more complicated every year. Keep trying though, remember the old Campfire Girl song (I know you're a Girl Scout, but trust me) - "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver, the other gold."
I do love NASCAR and enjoy getting drunk on occasion. Can we still be friends?
But, that's not all I do or am. I have so many different interests and enjoy so many different things that I get along with almost anyone I meet. I assume they like me too. Hmmm, you know what they saying about assuming...
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