Friday, May 30, 2008


I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never, never an honest word
That was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in.
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become


I need someone to tell me that this gets better. That eventually, if I keep trying that the blinding panic attacks will go away. That I will be able to sleep the whole night through and not wake up because I'm dreaming of the wolf that is right around the corner. The wolf who wants to destroy me.

If you have lived through this, please tell me. Please tell me it gets better. That the highs and lows come and go and that the world isn't actually caving in on my head.

Because right now, it feels like it is.


Allie said...

Awww, sweetie, I'm so sorry that you feel this way. Hard times come and go and you just have to keep looking forward and know in heart that things will get better...eventually.

You're dealing with a lot and you are entitled to feel sad and like the world is against you but you have to remember to have faith and that it won't be like this forever.

If I was there right now I'd go do something stupid and make an ass of myself to cheer you up (that what I do for J) even if it is only temporary.

You'll be in my thoughts.

CPA Mom said...


Anonymous said...

I've never had panic attacks but my best friend had. I have dealt with a lot of anxiety attacks. It does get better and certainly we'll have our moments and we're ALLOWED to.

But, if it really feels like you are just unable to handle it, don't be afraid to ask for help. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. It means you're human.

Take care

J said...

I have only ever had one panic attack and boy! Was that scary. I don't blame you at all for being worried. I agree with CPA Mom, get to Big Jim!

BandK said...

I've never had a panic attack, but I can only imagine that they must be terrifying. I have an irrational fear of heights, and no matter how much I try, I can't make myself stop being afraid. That must be what a panic attack is like.

For the little things that aren't panic-attack driven? I have a sign on my computer that says, "Pull up your big-girl panties and deal with it!"

Quite often, that works!! It pulls things back into perspective.

And run, don't walk, to Big Jim's office! Hugs to you.

Ry said...

I;m with you. It does get better. JUst remember that it comes and goes, and it WILL go away. Just stay focused on the task at hand, and do NOT let your mind wander! That's key for me.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I was in a really bad place about two years ago. Panick attacks, depression spiralling out of control, suicidal thoughts, etc...

Does it help to know that there's light outside of the dark? That escape is possible? It's been six months since my last panic attack. And though there are bad days, mostly things are starting to look pretty happy over here.

The dark doesn't have to win. It's scary stuff, but it can be overcome. Knowing how loved you are helps a lot. ~hugs~

Tarasview said...

I have and AM living through it. For me it came in the form of intense post partum depression (and miscarriage depression- I had 4 miscarriages).

I am nearing the end (I hope) of my third battle with it. My poetic side refers to it as "the dark night of my soul" (it's a book reference that barely anyone knows about by St. John of the Cross). If feels heavy and suffocating and when I am in it I find it hard to smile, hard to move, hard to see any light anywhere, hard to laugh with my kids, I also feel panicky at the thought of leaving my house. I also feel panicky at my responsibilities- being a mommy, keeping my house up, just living.

But as I am starting to near the end I have light days. Days where it is easier to laugh. Days where my energy level is decent. Days where I feel less disgusted at people who say things like "just trust God" or "God is there for you" or other true but ridiculously frustrating comments.

I pray that your dark night ends quickly.

Anonymous said...

Philippians 4: 6-7
6(H)Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

7And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your (L)minds in Christ Jesus.

For real. I used to have anxiety/panic attacks. So, I've been there too many times for words.

This particular verse is all I have sometimes. (and that includes today..because this last week? has sucked big time and I can't even blog about it.)

Anonymous said...

Big Jim. Stat.

It WILL get better. You WILL be alright. We're all here to catch you in some way, shape or form.

I promise.

judy in ky said...

Yes, I have felt the wolf lurking, too. There have been days I don't even want to leave the house. It's usually worst in the middle of the night, when all the worries seem overwhelming. It does go away, though. It does get better, believe me. Suddenly, one day, you begin to notice all the good things, and the bad things recede.
Sorry, but I don't know who Big Jim is.

BandK said...

We've got your back, honey.

frannie said...

it does get better. Sometimes it takes a long time.

but it does get better.

Dawn~a~Bon said...


queenrandom said...

You know I've been there and back again. It will get better. Time heals.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

I know what you are feeling. I am there too.