Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Cause you ain't woman enough to take my man.

So recently, we were going to go eat at Big Ed's Pizza. Jason and the children had never been there and it's possibly the most delicious pizza I've ever eaten, ever, and I really wanted to share the experience with my family.

But it was closed that day. Bummer.

So we went down the street to another restaurant. And the waitress? Well, I was pretty sure, almost immediately, that she was trying to get with my husband.

It was weird. I'm not an overtly jealous woman. Frankly, I've told my husband in no uncertain terms that if he ever decided that any appendage of his person would in any manner involve any orifice of another woman, well, she could have his ass. I love him and all, but I'm not fighting for him. If he wants to be with someone else, she can have him. And his beard brush! I'm not dealing with that crap.

So I think he gets that.

So anyway, within moments of sitting down at our table, this woman, our waitress, was opening flirting with my husband.


I get that there is some level of that, when you go out to eat. I've seen the waitstaff be especially friendly to the person who will be leaving the tip. I mean, fiscally, that makes a lot of sense to me. I don't begrudge people working hard for their money or anything.

But something about Flakely McWaitresspants was different.

And I said, "Jason. Oh my God. I'm afraid she's going to climb up on your lap or something."

And he said, "Chicken. No wait. What?"

Because, you know, he's clueless. If she DID climb into his lap he'd be all like, "I'll have sweet tea. Thanks."

So then she came back to the table and I was pointing to what I wanted on the menu (I always do that because if I say it and don't point to it? It's often not what I ordered by the time it gets to the table) and she said,

"What a beautiful ring! Is that your wedding ring?"

Let's assess the situation. I am sitting across the table from a man who calls me "baby". I'm wearing a diamond, sparkly ring on my ring finger. There are two kids sitting with us and we're talking about our family trip to the museum.

Clearly this man is my pimp. I mean, duh.

Anyhoo. We chuckle about this. She brings him the wrong drink FOUR TIMES IN A ROW. He is remarkably patient.

Okay, so we're almost done eating and she says to Jason, "Do you know about the Festival? Is that this week?"

Jason tells her he has no idea when it is, as we do not live in this town and don't keep up with such things.

She then says, and I swear to Fred, I couldn't even believe this, "It's really fun. We should go! You could give me your number and we could meet up."


I looked at her and looked at Jason and raised my hands, because, you know, I talk with my hands especially when I am angry and Jason quickly said,

"Me and my wife?"

And she said, "Oh! Sure! We'd have a great time!"


Then she said, "Well, I'll take your ticket whenever you are ready!" Then she quickly walked away before I could say, "WHATEVER PHARMACEUTICALS YOU ARE CURRENTLY UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF BETTER PROVIDE YOU WITH STRONG PAIN RELIEF SISTER BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO FEEL IT."

But actually, I just shook my head and kind of laughed.

Jason said, "Well, she's young and she seemed kind of flaky. Maybe she's just trying to make new friends?"

I said, "OH MY GOD Jason! She's trying to share her communicable DISEASES with you!"

He sighed and said, "Good thing I'm already married to a charming and appropriate woman."

Damn skippy. I could have acted way worse than I did.

But yeah. What the heck is wrong with women thinking they can act like that?


Heather {Desperately Seeking Sanity} said...


Anonymous said...

For the love of frog, I seriously don't get some women.

My husband is also clueless when women are flirting with him. And when I'm there to witness it, there is always a mixture of smug amusement (because I know he's clueless to the advances) and indignation (that some chick would have the gall right under my nose).

I dunno. It's like some women are w.i.r.e.d. to compete for another woman's man.

Ry said...

Oh myyyyyy! God love your clueless hubby. He is good people!

Kim said...

You. are. stinking. hilarious!

dennis said...

and all he said is that 'I'll have the chicken??'

Good for him (cause I have the feeling if he said anything else he might have needed some aspirin!)

queenrandom said...

No. Home. Training.

You gotta get the "Bitch BACK OFF that is MY man" look. I had to give that to a waiter once. Yes I said waitER.

Jana said...

LMAO.... WTF?!?!?! Seriously? That is crazy! I think I would have popped the bitch...

Jana said...

LMAO.... WTF?!?!?! Seriously? That is crazy! I think I would have popped the bitch...

CPA Mom said...

I don't know how to answer that because I've never seen that happen before. Jason must be some kind of catch, yo?!

It did make for a stinking hilarious post though.

BandK said...


That was freaking hilarious!!

Hey, and if you go, you could bring the guy from the mechanic shop that tried to pick you up and liked your hair, and didn't care that you were married. It could be a double date!

In a weird, sick sort of way.


BandK said...

p.s. What kind of weird ass area do you live in that people try to pick up on people that are married and don't even care?!?

Oh wait. I live in California. Our supreme court just said that gay people can get married. I'll shut up now. Can't be throwing rocks in my glass house!


BandK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Yeah...thinking along the lines of her mental condition is probably the best way to go. Oi!

Zephyr said...


I guess you didn't go to the festival with her then?

Priscilla said...

I too have that happen from time to time. Because of our age difference I usually just smile and say I'm his daughter. Then I rub his leg or something disgusting.

It's really fun.

Anonymous said...

That happened once to me to. I almost slapped the woman, of course, I was pregnant, so hormones and all.

Did you go to the Festival? ::snort::

frannie said...

Now, that's that Chick's shit that I know and love!

Damn, you are funny woman!!

Anonymous said...

Holy cow. You say damn skippy now? This is becoming the insult lately. I love you for that. And, what a trollop.

kristi said...

Oh HELL to the no. I would have slapped that skank...or told her off....after she brought my food!

Jennifer said...

i found your blog from J's blog. I just HAD to comment on this post. this is hilarious. :) i don't know how the hell you held it together... but you go girl!!

i'm not an overtly jealous wife either, but come'on now!!! WTF??? I did however, have this happen to me once w/ my ex-boyfriend in planet hollywood in NYC... oy it was funny as hell though... it was also a waiter, like someone else had said in the comments, i was w/ my BF, brother, and his girlfriend, and the three of us said we had to go to the bathrm so we left my BF at the table alone... and when we came back sure as shit the waiter was sitting there hitting on my BF and trying to get his # and for him to hang out. lol

it was HILARIOUS!!! i loved it!! it still makes me smile! but unfortunately i had a lot of GIRLS try to pick up my man as well... which didn't go so well!!

loved this. thanks for the laugh. :)
i'm going to add you to my blog roll if that is okay with you?? thanks

Keetha said...

Oh I KNOW you must be joking! No way!

That's the most intelligent response I have right now. Sorry. The mind, it boggles.

Angie said...

Wow. I mean, wow.

Jenski said...

Wow, what a woman?! You and the waitress. In much different ways. You're great and hilarious. Her, I think she's crazy or oblivious or both.

Stephanie said...

I hate when this happens to me, of course I have never had it go as far as the woman asking my husband out in front of me. I am not sure what I would have done, I am a very jealous person so it would have been interesting. My eyes would probably have been as red as fire.

SJINCO said...

Okay so when I go to this part:
"Because, you know, he's clueless. If she DID climb into his lap he'd be all like, "I'll have sweet tea. Thanks."

I lost my shit.

That right there struck my funny bone. You know, in a cute sort of way.

A Spot of T said...

I'm embarrassed for women every where. Good grief. My husband always warns the waitress "Uh she'll be leaving the tip so you might want to acknowledge her" if the waitress is just talking to him and ignoring me. Works every time. Stupid waitresses.

But if a waitress was blatantly hitting on hubby? Lord I'm just not sure. Part of me wouldn't want to say a thing because the poor guy is going through a midlife crisis and it would be good for him, but I'm afraid I would be me and say "Stop it right now or I'll have to hurt you." Nicely of course. No sense making a scene before killing someone :o)

KJ said...

That is just weird. She thought you were his...sister?

Kelly said...

OMG...yeah some people are just friggin clueless...

Your good because really I think I would have gone off..or have made some type of smart ass remark...

"J" said...

That cracks me freaking up! No way! I was reading your blog out loud at work and had an audience! The guys were like no way! How could someone do something like that! My boss even said I bet she didn't get much of a TIP...HA! Please tell us she didn't get a good tip! HA HA HA

If you are wondering where I came from...I stopped by your blog from Frannie's blog! =) She is the BEST! She told me how freaking funny your blog was and YEP...she is RIGHT! I laughed just reading your first post!

Have a GREAT day!

KG said...

I would have behaved way WAY worse - probably doing something at both the waitress AND hubby's expense . . . like saying loudly, "Yeah! Maybe my HUSBAND can go to the festival with you . . . it might help him air out that nasty rash he has on his hutt"

Twisted Cinderella said...

OMG she certainly some great big steal ones!!

Anonymous said...

I would have totally broke out singing some Loretta Lynn! LOL Someone did that sort of thing to us in a Diner a couple weeks ago- she wasn't even our waitress but she comes racing over to our table and up to my DH and says "hey! How are you doing?? how is everything?" I replied to him "Girlfriend?" he laughed. Then she came back, looked at us- well HIM with drinks, rolls and other things on the table and asks...so have you been waited on? Sometimes I don't get other women in this world!

Dawn~a~Bon said...

OK I would have freaked the hell out so you get points for self-control!

Anonymous said...

Shut up, Shut up, SHUT UP!!!! You have GOT to be kidding me?! Its one thing to flirt innocently, but its a whole 'nother thing entirely to INVITE YOUR HUSBAND ON A DATE!!! IN FRONT OF YOU!!!

That girl is clueless.

But I have to admit that you had me rOlling on the floor laughing with this one "any appendage of his person would in any manner involve any orifice of another woman, well, she could have his ass."

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

You are one classy chick! I would have said something really really inappropriate! Hell, so would my husband!

That story had me rolling!

A Big Ball of Stress said...

Impressive at your composure..I would have went off lol