There are a million things I was going to blog about today. The funny conversation Jason and I had last night, the weird thing that happened on my way to the grocery store this morning (I'm going to HAVE to blog about that at some point), the dog, money...you name it, it's been in my head as a blog post for a couple of days.
But today? I'm going to talk about my son.
Last night I was sitting at my desk working (okay, reading blogs) and my son came over to talk to me. I turned my head ever so slightly as he came into my field of vision.
It was like seeing a ghost.
My son looks like his biological father.
My husband is not his biological father.
I don't think a lot about my ex-husband. I don't know if he's even still alive, honestly. He had a lot of medical issues that could have killed him if he didn't take care of himself and he? Did not take care of himself.
But when my son came to me last night, all tall and skinny and lanky? It freaked me out just a little bit.
I don't like my ex-husband. I have not seen him in many, many years. I don't want to see him.
My son is the polar opposite of his sperm donor. He's funny and bright and kind-hearted. He is probably the coolest kid I've ever met. He's artistic and good at science.
He's really a great kid.
I once took a child psychology class and we talked about Nature vs. Nuture. My ex-husband is not a nice person. He is, in fact, a complete douchehat. My husband is a very good person. I am mostly a very good person. I was very sad, sitting in that class, thinking about how even though we are very good people, my son might grow up and not be a very good person. It made me sick and it made me scared. Because I would never want my son to be like the person his father turned out to be.
I know it doesn't matter that he looks like him. I mean, I knew he would. He's always looked enough like me though. He looks like my sister's sons. They could all be brothers. They all have the same brown eyes, so it doesn't matter my eyes are green. They all have the same dark hair, so it doesn't matter that mine isn't the same color.
But last night he looked like his father.
And it makes me feel strange.