Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Open Letters: I-was-forced-to-go-to-Wal-Mart edition

Dear Lady looking at the discount breads,

Bitch, please.

Seriously, if you have THAT much of an issue with my small child accidentally touching an item you had HANGING OFF YOUR CART then you should not be allowed to be in public at anytime, ever. She apologized to you, even though YOU DID NOT DESERVE IT and you put your hands on your hips and huffed your breath out at her! Like she even did anything wrong!

If you aren't familiar with South Park, there's a song you should know:

Kyle's Mom is a Big Fat Bitch
Well... Kyle's Mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch,
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world,
She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls!

On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch,
On Wednesday's and Saturday's she's a bitch,
Then on Sunday's, just to be different,
She's a super King Kamebameda 'bee-atch'

Wherever it says "Kyle's Mom"? Replace it with whatever your name is.

Love and stuff!
That Chick

PS: If those baby clothes you were buying were for you? I weep for the future of America.

Dear lady in the parking lot who couldn't be bothered to return her cart to the cart corral,

Bitch, please.

For real, you can't walk an extra fifteen steps to put your cart into the cart corral? Really?

Because based on the metric ton of crap you placed into your SUV from that cart, you were certainly hale and hearty enough to walk around the Wal-Mart for at least an hour.

And how lovely it was of you to place the cart right behind my vehicle. Really, brilliant. Thanks ever so much for that.

I don't generally wish ill on others, but seriously? I hope an entire fleet of shopping carts breaks free from a corral and runs into your vehicle while you stand there helplessly watching. It would be super, also, if I were somewhere that I could see this entire episode, so I could point and laugh at you.

Love and junk!
That Chick

PS: See the lyrics above. Please insert your name where it says "Kyle's Mom".

Dear lady who almost plowed me over in the Deli/Bakery department,

Bitch, please.

If it was really all that important for you to pick up your child's birthday cake, you could have gotten there an hour earlier. You running over my foot and slamming your cart into my backside because "you were in a hurry" is really 1) bitchy and 2) not my problem. Also, you don't get to line jump because "it's your son's birthday". Again, you should have been aware upon awaking this morning that it's your son's birthday and the fact that you were wearing pajama bottoms leads me to believe that you really haven't been busy doing many productive things today, unless you work from the home as a lady of ill repute, and by the way ma'am, if that is the case? You totally need to invest in some Victoria's Secret because those Big Dog pajama pants did absolutely nothing for you.

YOUR LACK OF PLANNING DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MY PART. Or, you know, the part of the lady working at the Deli/Bakery.



Love and kisses!
That Chick

PS: See the song above. Please insert your own name in the place of "Kyle's Mom".

Dear Piddledick who was giving the old lady marking receipts at the door a hard time,

Douche, please.

That old lady probably makes like, $5 an hour. She works at freaking Wal-Mart instead of enjoying her Golden Years and grandchildren. And quite frankly, bless her heart, it does not appear that life has been particularly kind to her. The least you could do is not be a complete cockslap when she's trying to do her job. For the love of God, all she asked for was your receipt so she could verify you weren't trying to steal that 20lb. bag of charcoal and super-extra large box of Tampax you were purchasing. You didn't have to give the 200 year old woman a hard time.




Thank you!
That Chick

PS: See the song above. Insert your own name where it says, "Kyle's Mom" and "Douche" where it says, "Bitch."


Sarcasta-Mom said...

Seriously? Highlight of my day so far. Thanks for the laugh, and proving once again, how much people suck when they're at wal-Mart.

Anonymous said...

The heat IS really getting to you, huh?

ROFLMAO (at the post...not you)

AndreAnna said...

Reason # 948503407 I don't go to Walmart. Thankfully, there is a Target near us.

CPA Mom said...

I agree with andreanna. TARGET, TARGET, TARGET.

And seriously? "BEING A DICK IS NOT A REQUIREMENT FOR HAVING A DICK" is a bumper sticker I need on my car.

J said...

Yay for Chick and Open Letters!!!! I love them. They make my day so happy. You crack my shit up.

PS. CPA Mom, I think that there is a website where you can design your own bumper sticker. I will look for it and get back to you.

Frannie said...

aaahhh- adventures in Wal-mart's in the South....

aren't we lucky to get to partake?

Sugar said...

I love you. That is all.

Mrs. Booms said...

You're cool, Chick, really cool.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I suddenly want to grab your whole family and move 'em up to Northern Canada. Where people are nice and apologize if they bump into inanimate objects and stuff like that.


Unknown said...

Love your open letters. Awesome. There are days when I'd like to just say those things to people. Imagine the looks on their faces!

Domestic CEO said...

I LOVE your open letters. And your quote, "YOUR LACK OF PLANNING DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MY PART." is one of my favorites!

Anonymous said...

Oh how I love thee. Here I am all crappy feeling and boo frickety hoo-ish and now? I'm laughing.

Cockslap? Love it. LOVE IT!!

Angie said...

Once again. . you leave me so satisfied.

....I need a cigarette.

....I don't smoke.

Allie said...

I HATE Walmart with a passion. That place is like hell on earth.

Anonymous said...

Great stuff. Cockslap. Heh. I will have to use that eventually.

Anonymous said...

WORD!!!!!! I hate Walmart and all the stupid people I enounter there!

the planet of janet said...

i love you.

Kiki said...

Chick... You are the funniest mo-fo around. Seriously! #1... HUGE SOUTH PARK FAN! #2... Not a HUGE Walmart fan. Ever notice it smells funny in there? #3... Not a HUGE fan of people who are not nice to little old ladies. Nothing that a rooftop and an AK47 wont fix. Love love love you!

Sabrina said...

LOVE your notes. Seriously. I'd read an entire book of notes if you wrote one :P

Sabrina said...

LOVE your notes. Seriously. I'd read an entire book of notes if you wrote one :P

kristi said...

LMAO!! Be nice to the 200 year old ladies.

Too many asshats in this world. And why do 90% have to be in Wal mart?

dennis said...

If only you could put these little episodes on video!!

At least you found the soundtrack!! LOL

Suzy said...

This is why Los Angeles does not allow a Wal-Mart anywhere in their county. I think.

Anonymous said...

You? My new blogg'n hero! So damn funny!!! And I totally agree with CPA mom---need that on a bumper sticker stat.

Stephanie said...

Too funny! I hate Walmart, but the closest Targets to my inlaws is Nashville or Knoxville, so I have had to frequent Walmart more than I have this year.

Unknown said...

I heart you, dear. I love that song. I can't sing it as often with Mr Repeats all I say around, but sometimes it just needs singing. I detest Wallyworld. I will NOT go there. No matter what.

Kelly said...

Ahh...I so completely understand your letters!! WALMART SUCKS and attracts the worst people! Although I do shop there..I don't like to include myself in the "worst people" catagory!

DeAnn Aalbers said...

My mom thought it would be funny to have that song play whenever her computer booted up.

She didn't think it was funny when the computer tech had to turn her computer on in order to fix the thing.

But I did!!

Anonymous said...



Thanks for making me giggle.

Tarasview said...

you know, I think it is possible that those idiots were also at the Wal-Mart I went to this weekend. Plus an incredibly stupid teenage girl who pointed and laughed at the enormous plus size bra I was buying, which incidentally didn't even fit. I thought " shut up. you might look like me someday too after you birth 3 babies and realize life is not all about you. And then I will come back here and point and laugh at your stupid plus size self. HA". But I only THOUGHT it. I didn't say it because my children were present. Instead I just stared the teenaged bitch down. Who, by the way, looked like a complete throwback from the 80's with the added bonus of a red jewelled thong sticking out the back of her tight acid washed jeans. Jerk.

KiKi said...

You have such a way with words, m'dear. Quite brilliant, really, with the most prolific use of adjectives - my favorite being "cockslap."

I will be laughing for hours.

Captain Steve said...

More people should use the phrase "hale and hearty." Also, "cockslap."

ZDub said...


You just totally cracked me up.

I had forgotted all about that song!

Amy W said...

Gotta love Walmart...

julie said...

Cockslap. Oh, yeah.

Julie said...

Wal-mart really is the land of retards. I guess that makes me retarded too though as I am psyched for the one coming near us soon!

Tricia said...

That song works for sooo many occassions. And I am pretty sure, even my children know the tune of it. Although, it only gets hummed. But it makes me feel better.

EE said...

I love love love your letters!

SJINCO said...

Okay,okay! A few things....

1.) Bitch, please. I could totally hear you saying this! And it cracked my shit up. I think this is going to be my new motto!

2.) South Park rocks! You should come visit me, I promise to take you to South Park where that show is based. It's a real town you know.

3. You quoted one of my all time favorite quotes! YOUR LACK OF PLANNING DOES NOT CONSTITUTE AN EMERGENCY ON MY PART. So true, so true.

This post ROCKED. And it made me laugh too.