Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Lo, the letdown is here.

Last week was extremely emotionally challenging. Not just because my grandmother died.
It was just hard.

I thought a lot about everything that happened and I resolved to change my life. I have to change my life. Things have to get better. I can't continue on like this.

The thing is? I have no idea where to start.

I mean, I hate my job. Everyone knows that. But in this economy, I feel pretty lucky to even have a job. And it's not like I've not been applying forever for new jobs and just nothing is happening except that I have interviews with people who want me to travel all the time or want to pay me $20,000 less than I'm currently making or who might possibly be insane or just high off of all the hairspray they use. None of those things are good and none of those things are helping me get a new job.

I've also started looking for a second job. The economy is in the crapper and I'm getting really, really nervous. Everything is so expensive and nothing is changing, so I'm going to have to change.

I don't know when I'm going to sleep.

I need to start on the book, but I haven't. I've been avoiding it. Even though I'm happy about it, it's another reminder of the main thing that is broken in my life. My family doesn't know about the book...probably never will. I understand that and accept it as much as I can but still? It doesn't make it easier.

We had family pictures taken this weekend and I was horrified, disgusted, and horrified again at how awful I looked. I've always told myself that I look okay. People always say, "You have beautiful hair, you have beautiful eyes." Also? I have a fat ass. They don't say that, but I do. And a fat stomach and fat thighs. I'm all for loving and accepting yourself, but I have to fix that. I have to make some serious changes, because I don't like what I see when I look at those pictures. It makes me want to cry.

I'm so lonely here, and it's my own fault. I'm afraid to meet people. I'm afraid of being judged.

I miss something that never even existed for me.

I don't know how to fix any of this.

I hate today.


Julie said...

I'm sorry - I don't know what to say except BIG HUGS!! These are very unsettling economic times for many - just know you're not alone.

Mrs. Booms said...

Ugh, I hate today too and all other days where I find myself feeling this very same way.

Something will give. It has to and it usually does.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. I understood this all too well. Not the specifics, because our lives are very different, but the underlying despair? I totally get that. I understand that feeling that can overwhelm you were you suddenly feeling like nothing can be or ever will be right. That you'll never stop doubting/hating yourself. That you'll never feel safe with other people. Always fearful and defensive.

Been there. Still visit there all too frequently. It's amazing though the love and friendship you can find when you let people in. I found it first through blogging and then, oh so tentatively, began just...being myself. In real life. Beyond scary but wow. So worth that fear and anxiety.

I hit rough spots. Days like the day you're having today. Where it seems like nothing will ever be okay. But the smooth spots are more frequent now and they are oh, oh so lovely.

And maybe you don't think you deserve that, I get that too. But you know that your family does. You might not love yourself very much, but you do love them. That's what did it for me in the end. What got me out there. These are just words, I know. But I love you to bits, I really do.

Unknown said...

So much of what you said sounds so familiar of my life. Sending you a virtual hug (you know, from some weird chick up in Canada who just happened upon your blog and is now hooked...)

You're made of tough stuff...you'll get there.

Devon said...

wow... you've read my mind... CHANGE! i wish you the best of luck! i am fed up with my job also... and was fed up with my weight until i started WW's. i encourage you to keep with it. i've lost over 10 lbs in the past 2 months.. and my sister has lost over 25 lbs. you can do it!

you are such a blessing to us bloggers out here... so please don't be discouraged! your posts make me laugh--some make me cry... and i look forward to reading what you have to say... the good, bad and ugly! and definitely the funny! :)

Stephanie said...

I feel the same way, I hate pictures of me and saying I have nice hair and eyes, while it may be true, doesn't make my butt or tummy smaller. I also loathe mirrors, I used to love them. But that was 10yrs and 80lbs ago. I also feel the same way about meeting new people. I think in my mind, who would want to be m friend? I can tell I forgot to take my meds this weekend, I am in a foul mood.

The jist is, you are not alone.

Bethany said...

Holy freakin crap, Chick. this has been on my mind for a while now. Not your change of course, but my own. I'll probably be posting about it in the next few days, if I can stop friggin crying about stupid shit.

Love you with hearts and flowers and assorted other shit. Right there with you.

Birth Sister Doula Services said...

Right there with ya, babe. But here's the thing -- I was so thrilled when I saw your picture the first time, because what went through my head was "yes! a real woman who GETS IT." and you looked exactly like I imagined you would.

i, too, hate what i see whehn i look in the mirror. i'm working on it, once day at a time, some days more than others. but just remember - when you die, no one puts your weight on your tombstone or in your obit. as you noted with the lovely tribute to your grandma, it's who you were and what you meant to people that matters and is your legacy.

CPA Mom said...

Chick - you know I have many, many days like this. Too many. I struggle with my weight and we've talked about the money crap. I read in the paper today about an accountant like me, with a degree, cannot find a job (transferred here with Navy husband) and she had to go to the FoodBank today. Another woman I read about in People? Has to sleep in her car. And she has a job!

I hate this fucking economy. I'm scared witless too.

Anonymous said...

I hope your sun shines tomorrow! :)

(As for the state of the economy, I'm right with you. I think the majority of the population is too.) Ugh.

EE said...

Tomorrow will be better...I just know it!!!

Unknown said...

Oh, hon. I know how much our (mutually shared) disease sucks. Big hugs.

Unknown said...

Hey, Chick

I think you're awesome, but I know that when you're not feeling awesome - well it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. This story made me laugh today...maybe it will you, too


ZDub said...

I am a part time lurker and thought I would say hi and I feel exactly the same way today.

I'm struggling with thyroid/weight issues since the birth of my baby (who screamed and won't nap today and pushed me to the edge) and my business is in the shitter.

I also hate today. And I'm tired.

Tomorrow is a new day. A better one.

I do like your blog. Feel better.

Pgoodness said...

I'm sorry. We all have days (weeks, months, lives) like that. I think one small change at a time is the way I'm going. Maybe that would work for you? Don't tackle everything at once

Darci said...

Chick....the best things about days like this is that the sun sets and then rises on a new day.

As for change...make a list - big and small and all things in between. prioritize and sort and then make a move towards each one each day.

Start as you want to continue.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

You know I think you're gorgeous and I loved seeing the pictures of you. I am glad we'll be taking a trip together soon - I miss seeing you.

I'm really sorry you're having a rough time. What happened to you makes me furious. You don't deserve that sh*t, at all.

Tricia said...

Today, I am okay. A few months ago? Not so okay. I felt like crawling out of my skin I needed things to be different so much. I like my job, but I was stressed and working long hours. Emmi kept getting sick. I felt really let down by a couple of my friends at that time. I ended everyday crying. One day things just shifted slightly, and it seemed better. I hope it is the same for you.

And when you figure out that meeting people thing, can you share that with me?? I am HORRIBLE at meeting new people. I get so nervous.

Jennilu said...

Hang in there! I know what you mean about the pictures. I try to avoid the camera. I think I have reverse anorexia - I look in the mirror and don't see how fat I REALLY am. Not until those damn pictures show up. You know the camera adds 5 lbs. ;)

kristi said...

I feel the same way about myself sometimes. My sister has lost 40 lbs. She has the time to exercise 2 to 3 hours a day, I simply don't have the time. I am trying to eat healthier (sometimes) and be more active. I love who I am but not my big stomach! LOL!

Hope it gets better for ya!

Love Bites said...

Where do you live, and when are we going to have drinks?

julie said...

I have a lot of those same fears -- especially the money stuff right now. I don't even know where to begin to make it better.

Anonymous said...

I am so right there with you. I've been chalking it up to mid-life crisis, but can you have an MLC at 36?

Mikey said...

Might I be so bold as to recommend a Wii?
Sleeping Mommy got one and loved it. Fun for the whole family she says, not to mention some great laughs. Read about it here