Sunday, August 03, 2008

You can't always get what you want.

I almost never hesitate when blogging. Really, almost never. Things happen, I talk about them. I mean, I said a long time ago that I wouldn't blog about my sex life. There's one other thing I won't blog or talk about either. But everything else has been pretty much fair game.

I'm not saying this is necessarily good or bad. It just is.

I haven't posted about the issue with Jason's relative. But it's been eating me up inside. I told some people about it they were nice and supportive. I told others who were not nice and supportive and basically think I'm a big idiot now.

The thing was, I couldn't win in this situation, no matter what I did.


Saphira said...

It sounds like (without knowing any history) that you both have done what you can and you are right, the next move is hers.

Mother in laws ....... mine lives IN MY HOUSE!!!! This is something we are working on! I will blog about about that soon!

Good luck and may the force be with you.

Unknown said...

You did a good thing. Jason was so right, that you write that together and sign it together. He is so great, and you are so great. It is his mother's issue that she can't deal with his being married to you. It is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is so hard when the ball lies in someone else's court and you just have to . . . wait. And wait. For the other shoe to drop.

But really? This is on her. You can't control how she feels you can only control how you think and feel. ONce I truly embraced that -- I mean TRULY embraced that philosophy -- it was so freeing. Its hard when someone else's reactions and actions hurt someone we love. But we can't control that other person. Sounds like Jason is reacting to the whole thing with an enormous amount of maturity.

And truly? It is HER. LOSS. And if she had even an ounce of sensibility, she'd learn how to make peace. Like you said, if it was Boy Child reaching out, you'd do anything to make the relationship whole again. There is truly something wrong with your MIL.

And you are so lucky to have Jason back you 100%. If you watch Dr. Phil enough, you always see shows like Her Mother-In-Law Hates Her But Her Husband Is A Mama's Boy and Gives In To His Mama. And then you see Dr. Phil asking why he doesn't side with his wife against his Mama and he whines "Well she's my mama." And Dr. Phil says, "How's that workin' for ya?" And yeah. It's a Dr. Phil show. LOL

Anyway, you are so doing the right thing. Kudos for you and Jason.

Angie said...

You did good, Chick. I am very proud of you. I mean. . I've had my issues with my mother in law -- but I have NEVER felt anything but love from her (really, if I'm honest). So, I cannot even begin to understand. . . just send my love & support.

You both did good.

Oh. . .and the Muter? Yeah, he posted after you did. But, his last post was so cut & dried -- I couldn't help but respond in kind (heh heh!) I probably won't "sign back up" but I might keep an eye out for good ideas. . .which will probably piss him off. : )

That's right. It's my job. Making teenage boys angry is my life's work. Carpe diem!

~Sheryl said...

Dearest Chick,
Please listen to me...
This. is. not. on. you.

These issues cannot be changed by you.

They are not YOUR issues.

Stop trying to wear them like your own, they will never fit.

Does it suck? oh yea.

Sending the letter was better than not, I truly believe that (even tho' that's only my opinion).

As I raise my own son, it's hard to imagine that I would ever want anything but his happiness.

But then again, I am slightly sane.

Let her keep her issue. Give it back to her, your own peace will come.

Tarasview said...

I'm sorry. My dad completely ignores me and everytime I write to him to tell him he has a new grandchild or merry christmas or something a glimmer of hope hits me that maybe, this time, he will respond, he will want to be a part of our lives, he will want to meet my husband or my kids. And he never does. And I wonder why I bother. Again.


Anonymous said...

This? So NOT you. Not Jason. It's her. It's ALL her. And yes, it's wrong. On so many levels.

I'm sorry :(

Anonymous said...

Please don't blame yourself. This is so not you.

You are a wonderful person and ChickandJason are a wonderful pair. Know that and wear it like a shield.

Anonymous said...

I just can't believe she would hate you. I mean... does she know how funny you are?!

Stephanie said...

I am glad he stood up for you (as a couple) it was the right thing to do for your family (all of you). Try not to worry anymore about it, it's hard when you have hope and those hopes are dashed. Maybe in time she may extend a hand to you, maybe not. I admit it would be deeply hurtful for my mil to loathe me for reasons I didn't know or understand. Be strong and think of the positive aspects, you didn't make him choose, she did, and he choose your family.

Captain Steve said...

That is awesome, that you both wrote the letter and made sure that it stated clearly what the problem was, offered a solution, and yet wasn't offensive. Go you.

Jocelyn said...

Redirect that feeling of confusion away from yourself and back onto the MIL. You were gentle and healthy, and what she does with that is her problem. Keep appreciating that she raised a great man. Then leave it in her court.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I'm pretty dang positive that your mother-in-law doesn't hate you. You can't hate someone you don't know, and she does not know squat about you. She hates an idea. She hates the shattering of whatever pretty picture she had built up in her mind that Jason was going to slide into someday. She was so convinced that his happiness was dependent on fitting into her preconceived notion of what his life would be that when a fabulous single mom of two fabulous kids came into his life she couldn't handle it. It shattered her hope of happiness for him, and she's too narrowminded and prideful to realize that that picture she made up wasn't his only hope of happiness and that really, you are his best hope, because he loves you like crazy.

The poor stupid woman.

Day said...

How can anyone hate someone who writes the coolest blog ever??

Day said...

How can anyone hate someone who writes the coolest blog ever??

Allie said...

She obviously has issues, as a mother I couldn't have gone as long as she has without my son and like you said, I would do anything to repair a relationship with my kids. You can't be that horrible for her not to want to mend her and Jason's relationship, there is definitely nothing wrong with you, it has to be her.

Karin's Korner said...

It is NOT YOU personally!! I promise you. I have been reading this blog for quite some time and I can tell you that it cannot possibly be you.

It is his mother, she has issues that she needs to get over.

It might be that fact that Jason is married to you but I think it would have been any woman Jason was married to. If it is because you already had children well then she needs to get over it. Your children love Jason and he is their daddy.

Please don't take this yourself. It is not you...As you have told us a few times and I totally agree with you....I AM AWESOME!!! Say it again...I AM AWESOME!!

Anonymous said...

Good teamwork, Chick & Jason. Asking you to help write the letter shows his commitment to you. I hope his mom will have the courage to reach out and improve your relationship. But if she doesn't, it's NOT your fault.

Mrs. Booms said...

The narrow view that some people have amazes me.

Don't blame yourself or feel poorly about yourself about his woman.

As a mother, I couldn't even fathom cutting my son off.

Anonymous said...

girl, I feel ya. Only get this, it's MY dad's wife (his fourth to be exact) that is a total douchebag to my boyfriend. Now, she's always been some what of a bitch to me, but I've dealt and due to my low self-esteem, let it blow over many many times. We were staying with them while I was preggo but she was absolutely horrid to my SO. He would say hi to her and she would mutter under her breath. She would say disrespectful things to him when no one else was around and etc,etc.

Finally, with my post-preggo hormones raging, I let it all out on the table, in front of her, my dad, and my SO. I told my dad flat out that the way she treated SO was in their words UNACCEPTABLE and that since she told him he's not part of the family, she wasn't part of MY family, meaning she couldn't just come over to see the baby. My dad is more than welcomed, despite his many faults (like Alcoholism) but sadly, he's never come over since we moved.

I miss my dad a lot, sometimes, and I never wanted to push him away. But he made his choice and I made mine. I was going to deal with the abuse to me OR the man who stood by me more than they have.

it's not your fault. you tried. that's all we can do.

CPA Mom said...

I got chills reading this. Because your MIL? Sounds EXACTLY like mine. So much so I wish I could see the letter you sent so we could send one to my MIL. Not that it would work. We've tried. We have only asked for the same apology as well.

The only difference? My husband continues to have that relationship with them. I simply choose not to participate, as you put it. Our fights now are all about my not wanting to participate.

And here I thought it was LOGICAL for me not to want to interact with evil people who hate me. Who knew my LOGIC was all wrong.

Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings said...

Wow. If my MIL wrote letters... well, then she would be your MIL.

Going through some similar stuff here.

Hubby and I haven't talked to his mother in several months, mainly because of how she treated her grandchildren (our nieces) and how there is no way in hell she is going to treat our son.

So we don't see her or talk to her, even though she lives two miles away. And we are sure she tells the whole town how much we suck.

Ah, if only we could write letters to tell her how much she sucks. But she'd find a way to twist it, so we just leave her in her imaginary world.

*sigh* Well, I have my own blog, so let me go back to that.

I hope your MIL and other family stuff works out or that you don't keep blaming yourself (like I do for Hubby and his mom not talking, even though it was his decision)

Julie said...

I'm a little late to the commenting so pretty much it's all been said. I will say I think it's a great testament to your marriage that Jason insisted the letter come from you as well - that he wanted to prove to his mother that you were a united front. A lot of men would have a hard time standing up to their mothers!

kristi said...

Ummm yeah, if you have read my blog: then you know my story with my family. It isn't pretty.

My mother in law didn't want to let her baby boy go. We have been married for 14 years. We have 2 kids. She RARELY if ever sees our kids. We have stopped asking her. It is her loss.

Seems to me that Jason's mom doesn't care enough about her son to get to know you. That definitely is her loss!

Tricia said...

Think about it from the reverse. Instead of thinking how horrible you must be for them to stop talking to their son, think about what kind of person could cut off their own son. Could you ever imagine doing that to your child? And? If that is how they are willing to treat their child/brother, then you can't expect better treatment towards you.

It must hurt, though. But really, it has very little to do with you.

HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

You are not awful. You must know that. Clearly, she is awful. I've thought that for as long as I've known you.

You did what you could do. Even though you knew deep down that nothing would come from this, no light would come on in her head, you and Jason gave her that chance. And, for what it's worth, I think you've both been beyond diplomatic throughout this whole... mess.

I love you.

Keep your chin up, lady, you're fab.

Anonymous said...

Can I just throw out something for you to consider?

Are you SURE she hates you? I mean - I know she has said and done things that would lead you to believe that she does - but are you SURE?

I only ask because I am learning that when I make assumptions about what other people think or feel about me - it's generally from my own filter and has more to do with my own insecurities than what is actually true.

I get that she, for whatever reason, cannot meet you on the bridge you have tried to build to her.

But consider that it may have WAY MORE TO DO WITH HER than it has to do with you.

It may just be her own pride that is keeping her from admitting her wrong - rather than any real sense of 'hate'.

It's sad - because she seems to be making it so much harder on all of you than it needs to be. You have been the bigger person.

I just don't want you to believe a lie about who you are. You are not worth hating.

Bottom line - she loves her son, yes - but there's something in HERSELF that she loves more than him that she's unwilling to die to.

Praying for you. This sucks.

Anonymous said...

UGH, I know what it's like to have a rotten relationship (which is even worse than NO relationship) with your in-laws. It's not like they just go on with their existence without you, rather keep letting you know all the things they dislike about you, all the ways you disappoint them etc.

I could tell you in law stories that would make your HEAD SPIN, no lie. It'd make your mother in law stuff look like a cake walk.

I really do know how you feel and it SUCKS because there's nothing you can do about it. No matter how much they frustrate you, no matter how much they frustrate your husband, that connection remains because it's family and there is absolutely no way to escape from it.

Amy W said...

That just stinks...

Heather {Desperately Seeking Sanity} said...

My parents sound a little bit like JAson's mom. and it sucks. Sorry you have to deal with it...

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

It is definitely her loss. You and Jason have extended the olive branch. The ball is now in her court. Even if she were willing to make amends, from all you've said about her, it seems like she probably has too much pride to ever admit she was wrong.

Suzy said...

You and J did the same thing I did. I asked my mother (and sister) for an apology. I didn't even ask for a sincere one. They won't do it. I haven't talked to my sister in 3 years, my mother in 16 months.

My family is so manipulative and if they apologize, they lose their control over me by admitting they're wrong, which makes me right which in their mind makes me the 'winner.'

I've moved on. I simply have no time for their drama.

Anonymous said...

A good site for those issues, with people who are dealing weith this sort of thing and have good advice about what did (and didn't) work for them is If you want to check it out, go to the forum section.