Sunday, September 14, 2008


I don't really have a lot of fears. Not really.

I'm afraid of birds, but when I say I'm afraid of them I'm mostly saying, "I hate them and I don't want them around me". I don't like being out walking when it's so dark I can't see my feet. I'm pretty tough and I could probably fight off an attacker, but I don't want to try. I'm reasonably, appropriately worried about my children on a regular basis.

I'm not afraid of public speaking. I'm not afraid of making a fool of myself (obviously!). I'm not afraid of hard work, snakes, bugs, or heights.

I'm terrified I'm going to get breast cancer.

For about the past 15 years I've been pretty much certain I would be diagnosed. I woke up one morning and thought, "I'm going to have breast cancer". I don't know why.

Well, I kind of know why. My mother had breast cancer. She was the first person in her family to have it and she took good care of herself and she still had cancer. I've had every other "female" problem known to man, it seems, so it sort of makes sense that I'd have breast cancer also.

I know it's paranoia, to an extent. I also know that every three minutes a woman in this country is diagnosed with breast cancer. EVERY. THREE. MINUTES. That's scary as hell.

So I'm losing weight and walking. I can probably keep myself from getting Type 2 diabetes. I can probably avoid bone spurs. I'm going to keep myself from needing gastric bypass surgery. I'm going to keep myself from needing high blood pressure pills.

But no matter what I do, I could be diagnosed with breast cancer.

That's so freaking scary.


Kim said...

No kidding it's scary. You probably can't keep yourself from getting cancer, but you can control how long it stays in your body.

Check yourself regularly. Have mammograms regularly - since your mother had it, you may be able to get your insurance to cover mammograms earlier and more often than usual!

IF (and that's a big IF) you do get breast cancer, finding it as early as possible means you can kick its @$& but good!

You go, Girl!

Anonymous said...

I have the same fear. I just know I'll be diagnosed with some type of cancer one day.

I think it'll be colon cancer or breast cancer. They both run in my family.

Yes, it's scary! I can't imagine leaving my kids because cancer kills me.

A mom, that lives close by, of seven children died about three months ago from breast cancer. I just can't imagine.

Anonymous said...

Coming out of lurk-mode to reply to this one. I share your fear, and yes it's terrifying because there's not a damn thing you can do to stop that train from coming, if it's going to.

I have a major history of cancer on my father's side. His mother (my grandmother), her 5 siblings and her mother all died of cancer. Every single one of them.

My grandmother had breast cancer when I was 12 and had a mastectomy. She was then cancer free for 9 years until it returned to her lungs, which took her away from us when I was 21. It was a hard thing to watch happen and I'll never forget it or the changes it made in her.

I can't help but feel that with all that history that I am a sort of doomed too. I guess all I can do is hope I'm wrong (and you).

Zephyr said...

Yeah I'm pretty sure I'll get it too. My grandmother, oldest aunt, and sister all had it.

I just figure I've gotta stay on top of testing... earlier diagnosis means better chance of recovery.

Here's hoping we're both wrong and the girls stay intact. :)

AndreAnna said...

It IS scary, no matter what your family history.

Then again, I could get killed on my morning commute tomorrow.

I try not to think about what could end me, take the best care of me I can, and love my family every day.

You're doing all of that. We're one step ahead of death in that manner.

That fucker.

BandK said...

Yep, I've had two friends with breast cancer, so if 1 in 3 women get it, hopefully I'm gonna skip it. But I hear ya; I have the same fear; that I'll get cancer of some kind, and lose my hair and go through all kinds of horrible treatment. I'm a big wimp, basically, and I doubt I could handle myself with grace and dignity like my friend did. And I'd rather not find out, if it's all the same.

So. I faithfully have my mammo every year. Just had mine Friday. Now I'm looking for the letter in the mail. Because if you get the phone call? Not good.

Anyay, lots of women have that fear, so at least you're not alone.

Angie said...

My mom's a survivor. I wake up with the same fear every day.

Seriously? Information and the satisfaction of knowing there's nothing there -- well, except the "gifts" God gave me -- is what gets me out of bed.

. . .now if I'd just start walking like you....

Ry said...

I am feelin that! Scaryness!

Frannie said...

it is so scary. everyone that has breasts should be scared.

Anonymous said...

I really hope that you don't get it, but make sure that you get checked....often!

Tricia said...

My mom is the first breast cancer survivor amoung her female relatives. My grandmother, my great-aunts...they all died from breast cancer. I swear, every little itch, irritation, anything, I am convinced is the cancer coming for me. Can't possibly be that underwire sticking out of my bra (yeah it was time for a new one). It is just scary to know you can't control it. It doesn't matter how good I eat, how much I excercise. No control.

Jill said...

definitely scary. I had a paternal grandmother and 2 first maternal cousins (under the age of 40) with b.c., BUT, as long as you check yourself for lumps and go get a mammogram when you're eligible, you should catch anything early. i had a lump once, but it ended up just being a cyst. it went up and down with my cycle, that's how I could tell (yes, I did go get pretty pictures taken and such, but my surgeon, who also took out my appendix, told me with 99% sureness that at 27 i didnt have cancer)... so.. go to the doctor if you feel something and if not, wait for your mammogram.

Anonymous said...

It is scary. No doubt about it.

Being sacred sucks ass.

CPA Mom said...

It is crazy and it is scary. NOTHING can stop cancer from coming. NOTHING.

p.s. thank you for your prayers. My mammogram came back clear, THANK YOU GOD.

CPA Mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jana said...

Chick, that is totally scary. But as long as you are doing the best you can to take care of yourself, then you just have to let it go. Cross that bridge when you get there.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

It is scary. Because it's very real. Family history or not, we are all at risk, simply because we are women. It seems to be happening more and more and there is no rhyme or reason. Young or old. Black, white, Asian, Latino, it doesn't matter.

We all have the right to be scared.