Thursday, September 04, 2008

Leave me alone.

So if you are a mother you already know that when your kids are little, there is nothing off-limits. If you go to the bathroom? They will follow you right in the bathroom and talk to you about things like turtles while you are pooping. They will watch you, with a mixture of fascination and disgust, as you pluck a hair off your chin. It is almost impossible for you to take a shower without a little head poking through the curtain to tell you such life-altering news as, "The phone rang!" and "I made a pee-pee on the couch!" or ask you important questions like "Why do you have hair under your arms?".

But you tell yourself that it will get better. Eventually they will get older and they will not be utterly fascinated by every move you make. They won't DESPERATELY NEED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING the moment you get on the phone with your grandma. That someday, somehow, you will get to a point in your life that you will have a moment of peace.

And then you remember.

You have a husband.

Last night I was exhausted. I mean, exhausted . Stupidly ridiculous exhausted. And also sweaty because I had been walking and despite the fact it's September, it's still hot as balls.

So I decided to take a bath.

My beloved, who was watching the Republican National Convention, JUST BECAUSE HE LIKES IT (for the love of God), said,

"Oh! Before you take a bath? Can I take a shower?"

I looked at the clock. It said 9:27pm. This did not bode well for me.

"I'm tired hon," I said. "I just want to take a bath and go to bed."

He said, "How about if I take a shower REALLY, REALLY quickly? I'll be out by 9:45pm".

Did I believe him? Oh hell no.

So I said, "No you won't".

He appeared wounded. "Of course I will!"

So I said, "Fine".

At 9:59pm? He got out of the shower.

And then? He stood in the bathroom drying himself off. I went into the bathroom with him in an effort to get him to, you know, get his ass out of the bathroom so I could take my bath. I finally had to tell him that I had to pee in order to get him out, because God knows he can't even accept the fact that I ever have any kind of pee or poop coming out of my body, much less actually have to see it happen.

So fine. He's finally out of the bathroom. I run the bathwater, get in and try to relax.

At 10:19pm? After I had actually physically been in the tub for about 8 minutes? There was a knock at the bathroom door.

It was Jason.
He desperately needed to get in.

So he could hang up the hand towels that he had just washed.

No. I'm not kidding.

I gave him a look that I feel certain conveyed, "OH MY GOD, I WILL KILL YOU".

So he left.

Five minutes later? He was back.

Because he forgot one of the towels.

Seven minutes after that? He was back.


I am quite positive I gave him a look that conveyed my true feelings for him at that moment. Which were pretty much, "YOU ARE SO LUCKY MY FOOT IS NOT IN YOUR ASS".

And then he said, after apologizing again, "Have a nice bath".

In case you were wondering? It wasn't relaxing at all.


Tricia said...

You would think that "I am going to take a bath," followed by me walking into the bathroom with a book in my hand would by a signal that I don't want company. But no. I kid you not, I pretend to go to the bathroom just to get alone time. My whole family probably thinks I crap a lot!

Anonymous said...

LOL hilarious.

So is it weird that I take a bath with the bathroom door OPEN?

Tilly said...

After 16 years of marriage, I have recently started locking the bathroom door, because I am at the end of my tether with 'im indoors doing the same thing.

If it's just me and Mini Mint in the house, I'm fine, he's three years old, I don't mind him hassling me while I take a pee - but a 37 year old man? I. Have. Had. Enough.

Frannie said...

I would have splashed him.

In the face.

Dawn~a~Bon said...


As soon as I turned on the water, Scott's ears would have perked up like Scooby Doo's and he would have said, "Ohh, you're taking a bath? Can I take a bath with you?"

And then he'd get all grossed out if I tried to shave my legs. No. Doesn't work at my house. No private baths allowed.

Robyn said...

Seriously. At least your KIDS will grow up!

I find myself taking longer and longer showers just for some peace and quiet!

Mrs. Case said...

My husband and I have feuded over this since the beginning of our relationship. When I get home from work I like a few minutes to myself to decompress. He, on the other hand, wants to start telling me about his day. He used to follow me and stalk me all around our small home. It got to the point where he'd stand outside the door while I peed. This lead to many a hurt feeling on his part, as I am not one to mince words. He finally got the point two years into this gig. Now, he himself has learned to enjoy and covet decompression time.

Anonymous said...

Monday was the two year anniversary of "nodatingandsexwhatsoever" for me. Over the weekend I was starting to feel like maybe being alone was over rated and wouldn't-it-be-nice-to-have-someone-to-curl-up-next-to-at-the-end-of-the-day. After reading this post and the comments, I am positive I am not ready for that drama again.

Captain Steve said...

Because he had to brush his beard and look in the mirror to do it. Go to Walmart, buy a mirror, put it on the closet door. Tell him that this is his special beard brushing mirror and that if he interupts your bath again, he will wake up one day with no beard. Hold the beard hostage.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Oh. My.

So glad Neil isn't the only one pulling crap like that.

AndreAnna said...

Cue reason I go to Barnes and Noble to relax. No one around to annoy the piss outta me with stupid shit.

kristi said...

I run my bathwater and then hubs takes his shower. Thankfully we have a separate shower.

Patiently waiting said...

OMG, that is hilarious! I'm so glad I have my privacy when taking a bath, most of the time at least.

Tarasview said...

oh that is so EXACTLY my life.

except my husband just comes in to oggle me.

makes me want to drop kick him.

Anonymous said...

Heeeey, at least he's worried about hygiene and he washing hand towels.

That should've cheered you up! :p

BandK said...

My husband gets all bent out of shape because I won't go pee in front of him. I have a shy bladder; but he takes personal offense, like he thinks I'm hiding something from him. WTF?? What am I hiding -- pee?? Geesh get over it already. (him, not you! LOL)

And it sounds like Jason was jealous of your bath. It was his way of . . . oh hell, he probably was just totally clueless about it, just like any other man. No subtext at all, just absolute and total cluelessness. **sigh**

They SO don't get it that sometimes you just want a BREAK from them.

Mikey said...

This whole thread makes me lmao!

You're right, once you have a child there's no privacy.

Now the hubby, he wants to take a bath with me. He used to anyway, until I made him get in the front and then I scooted forward up next to him and said all sexy-like "Can you feel this?" and farted up his back.

Problem solved. Bath is mine alone now.

I have no shame. I'm ok with that.

Anonymous said...

Oh man. I don't have kids, but I do have a husband who will bring a guitar to the outside of the bathroom door and make up songs about pooping while he's listening to me doing the deed. Dear Lawd.

Anonymous said...

Oh to have the luxury of taking such a long shower! Don't you have water restrictions there??

Anonymous said...

For the love of crap, that would've annoyed me to no end. It also means I would totally flush the toilet, run the dishwasher AND do a load of laundry with hot water while he's taking a shower.



Mrs. Scuba said...

I hear ya! When we built our new house I DEMANDED that our bathroom have a separate room for the toilet because my husband would always kick me out while I was getting ready so he could poop. THEN he would complain because we were late!!

Anonymous said...

OMG too funny. Only good thing with ex was that we had seperate bathrooms. Man took longer than anyone I've ever met getting ready.

Anna Im with you. Been alone since April 2007 and loving it LOL

Sarcasta-Mom said...

Let me tell you, with 4 people and one bathroom, there's NO bathroom privascy in my house. The worst is when I'm in the bathroom, on the toilet, trying to have 5 quiet minutes, and my hubby comes in and wants to talk about something completely pointless. No matter how many times I've chased him out of the bathroom, he still doesn't get it, even if I'm reading while he's talking. lol

Anonymous said...

About a week or so ago I was in the shower and had not one, but two little visitors jump in on me. Not a huge deal in and of itself, but they demand to hold the shower head and by the end of it I'm freezing, soapy and not very happy! Good thing they are 5 and 3 and the loves of my very life!
Stephanie In NH

Anonymous said...

He really brushed his beard?

Julie said...

We have a fabulous bath tub. In the 2 years we've lived here I've never been in it once - someday when everyone in my house is out of town or something.

BandK said...

Okay, I think KittyConcerto takes the prize. Her husband serenades her with poop songs outside the bathroom door!! GAH!! That's even worse than coming in and out of the bathroom seven times while you're trying to have a little quiet time.

Yeech! LOL

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Wow. I'm coming up there with a bottle of Nair and taking care of the beard. Then? I'm driving you back down here with me so you can soak in my Jacuzzi tub until your skin sloughs off.

Gross but relaxing. :)

katydidnot said...

the looking in the mirrow while brushing the beard? it is critical!