Thursday, November 13, 2008

Ain't no woman like the one he's got.

One time, not long ago I believe, someone left a comment for me that said,

"I feel sorry for your husband".

And I was all like, "Bitch, please".
And then I laughed.
And then? I felt sorry for him also.

Because Jesus. I'm so not easy to live with.

Lately, like every eleven seconds, I keep saying to him, "You know what?" and he says, "What?" and I go, "I SOLD MY BOOK!" In my OUTSIDE voice. And then he's like, "You might have mentioned that seven hundred times already, babe". But he says it kindly, so I don't think he's really all that upset.

His life is on display. Because of me. He doesn't want his life to be on display. He doesn't keep up with people. He's not outgoing. We live in a house in which, if we ever had to somehow become part of the Federal Witness Protection Program? We wouldn't even have to move. No one can find us. We're out here on our own. And he didn't intend to marry someone who writes stories or tells tales on the internet about her infertility struggle or him brushing his beard. I'm pretty sure about all of this.

And he still loves me.

And if all of that isn't annoying enough for him and probably a total divorcable offense? Recently I told him about a study that I heard about on the radio, so you know it was really, really scientific and whatnot, which said that people who get divorced and people who stay married are really only separated by one thing. Four hugs a day.

So I told him all about it and since then he's made a special effort to hug me four times a day. True, he LOUDLY COUNTS each hug, just so I'll be sure and not ever accuse him of shortchanging me on the hugs and that can get a little annoying sometimes. But still. I get four hugs and we aren't getting a divorce.

So I finally had to tell him that yes, I've written a book and yes, someone actually want to publish said book, and yes, after several weeks of careful thought and consideration I'm agreeing to all of this happening. He asked me what the book was about and I said, "Well, basically it's the period of time between which I was divorced from my first husband and then met you".

He was very quiet and then finally said, in a sad voice, "Well, neither one of us were virgins when we met".


Then he looked relieved, which made me happy because I love him and stuff but then? He looked scared again and said, "How much about me is actually in this book?"

And I said, "Oh, hardly anything at all. A couple of lines. At the end. People will totally be bored by then".

I waited for two seconds and then said,

"But the next one? It's COMPLETELY about you".

It must suck to be him.


Angie said...

Okay. I'm up way earlier than usual -- but this made me smile. Bless his beard-brushing heart.

I can't wait for the book, by the way. I'm still looking for Erma Bombeck's mailing address :)

Bunny said...

I cannot wait for the book! You've got one hell of a husband there, but then you knew that.
God bless him.

(I told my husband that someone on Oprah said we should have a 10 second kiss every day and he laughed at me. So, yay for four hugs!)

Zephyr said...

Congratulations on the book!!! I missed reading your blog yesterday, so I got the news a day late but OMG am I psyched for you!!!

*doing my stupid little happy dance*

Mrs. Booms said...

The way I figure it, it probably sucks just as much to be your Jason as it does to be my Jason.

And really? I imagine that you are a constant source of entertainment, much like I am.

So they will totally get over it.

KrustyLynn said...

I seriously cannot wait until your book comes out!! I really can't wait. :)

CPA Mom said...

It doesn't suck to be Jason. Jason is one LUCKY ass dude. And you are one LUCKY ass chick.


Anonymous said...

You can totally see the love between you too. So both of you are lucky to have each other. Make sure to give us plenty of warning when your book comes out! I want to get it too!!!

Thanks for making me laugh!

Briya said...

But they love it, because they stick around. Or maybe they're scared to go...whatever. :)

Anonymous said...

And THIS right here is why I keep coming back.

4 hugs? Really? I think I'll start counting them too.

Captain Steve said...

If it was me, I swear, I was teasing. If it was someone else that wasn't teasing, they shouldn't say things like that on other people's blogs. I think you two are lucky to have found each other.

Alpha Dude said...

Congrats and stuff!

So tell me......

How and when and where can I get me a copy of your book??

Bless you Chick!

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

You make me want to be nicer to Neil. For reals.

Tricia said...

Do you have to spread the hugs throughout the day? Or does it count if you get them in right away when you first get up before you have a chance to get pissed off at any stupid thing they have done that day?!

And? I am still so excited for you!!!

Mikey said...


I have to keep saying it. And I'll say it again, you are so inspiring! And damn funny :)

Sarcasta-Mom said...

LOL. My husband is absurdly tolerant of me as well.

And, congrats again on the book. So excited for you!!!!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Nawwww, I'll bet he secretly loves it. :)

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Four hugs, eh?

*runs off to get her hugs*

Teena in Toronto said...

Ha! Your poor hubby! Ha!

Can't wait to read the book! When will it be out?


I think Jason posted the comment about feeling sorry for your husband. Oh no wait, he would have googled "Jason Loves Jesus" and gotten some sort of religion website.

SJINCO said...

I don't feel sorry for Jason at all, he's got a wonderful woman at his side.

Who just so happened to sell her book!