Thursday, November 20, 2008

Maybe I'm amazed.

One week from now is Thanksgiving day. I have a turkey in my freezer and boxed stuffing (yes, I know) in my cabinet. I have the makings of pumpkin pie and two days off next week to enjoy every bit of it.

I also? Have memories.

On Thanksgiving day in 1997, my first husband told me he didn't love me anymore. That he was divorcing me as soon as I gave birth. That he didn't want to be a part of my life anymore, ever.

I don't think about it very often. My first husband got his wish and he is not a part of my life or my children's lives. I don't miss him and they never knew him, so it's really a non-issue.

It was Thanksgiving day, though. I thought my life was over.

I was twenty-two years old.

So many people I love are hurting right now. So many people I care about have had tragic losses. Are in pain. In need. Feeling completely helpless and hopeless.

I wish I had the right words to tell them.

Because it's not over yet.

That sometimes when you pray to God to fix it, he's fixing it. Maybe you think he's not, but he is. Maybe not in the way you think it should be fixed, but he's fixing it in the way it's supposed to be fixed. That maybe God is planning something great for you. Something you never expected. Something that will change your entire life.

Maybe a boy in North Carolina is having his heart broken by the wrong girl, because you are the right girl.

Maybe someone throws a puppy dog out the window because she's supposed to come live in your house and make you happy every day of your life.

Maybe you can't have a baby because you're supposed to have a book instead.

You just never know.

I don't have any answers. God knows if I did my thighs wouldn't look like this, my mother-in-law wouldn't be ignoring the card I sent her, and I would magically be president of the Known Universe. There's nothing special about me except maybe for the fact that I am ridiculously grateful for every stupid part of myself and everyone I come in contact with. Even the doucheholes, because they make me grateful I'm not like them.

I can't tell you much. But I can tell you one thing. I thought it was all over when I was twenty-two.

I'm thirty-three. And it's all just beginning.


Bethany said...

It really is quite amazing the way God works things out. I need to remember to get out of His way sometimes.

Patiently waiting said...

Great post! This was just what I needed to read tonight. Thanks :-)

Teena in Toronto said...

Your first husband sounds like an A-hole!

Unknown said...

Oooh...I really liked this post

Unknown said...

Oooh...I really liked this post

Angie said...

You are, hands down, my favorite blogger. Do you know that??

Frannie said...

very true words-- the universe looks out for us.

Robyn said...

You said that so perfectly -- not only are you amazed, but you're amazing, as well.

Since that one, miserable Thansgiving all those years ago, isn't it amazing how many happy ones you've had since then?

Anonymous said...

Delurking to say: Excellent post! And thanks.

Mrs. Booms said...


It's the experiences that make you think your life is over that just eventually help you to appreciate that life down the road.

I know.

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful post!!!

Red said...

I swear, we are twins!

My ex-husband did the exact same thing. I was 19 and I seriously did think my life was over. I took to my bed for a month, lost 20+ pounds and went to a shrink and got on Prozac.

Looking back, I know it happened for a reason. If he hadn't walked out, I wouldn't have the coolest son in the world and I wouldn't be the person I am today. So I guess in some strange way, we owe a thanks to the ex's.

Jana said...

Girl, you got it going on more than you know.

And I'm with you on "The Plan". I too have thought so much why I have secondary infertility and the PCOS, and how I had my one baby but cannot have another with my new husband who doesn't have any biological children, and I've come to the conclusion, it's just not God's will for me, he's got something else in mind that's better for me. It doesn't make the "want" go away, but I do find comfort in it. And I find comfort in your posts, too.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

I love you, Chick. I'm so grateful that I found your blog, however it happened.

Unknown said...

So true!

Jocelyn said...

And in ten years, you'll be feeling a whole new kind of beginnign, whatever that is.

But the baby/book thing? You are amazing. I know how hard this has been for you. But you haven't let agony keep you from a different kind of birth.

Unknown said...

Amen, amen, amen.

Jenski said...

What a great sentiment - have a wonderful time preparing for this year's Thanksgiving.

Jeanie said...

I lurk here periodically via a friend's blog and you are just such a freaking great writer. Everytime I "stop by" I am touched or laugh out loud or something. But I always am pleased for the moments I spend reading your stuff.

I am practically old enough to be your mother and yet am in awe of the wisdom you carry and communicate so well at such a young age. Beyond your years, truly!

Blessings to you this Thanksgiving! I am very excited about your book!!

Anonymous said...

Hey chickie chickie,
It's Denise commenting anom of course for obvious reasons. Loved the post. It's just what I needed today. I so need to have faith even if it isn't in the God sense.

Anonymous said...

Hey chickie chickie,
It's Denise commenting anom of course for obvious reasons. Loved the post. It's just what I needed today. I so need to have faith even if it isn't in the God sense.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

I hate your ex-husband.

But I looooove you!

CPA Mom said...

"Sometimes I thank God, for unanswered prayers...."

Lovely post Steph. And I needed it in the WORST way. Thank you.

Birth Sister Doula Services said...

Give thanks that he was dumb enough to let the best thing that ever happened to him walk out the door. With his kids. Who now think he's a douchebag. And who have the best father kids could ask for. All because some dipshit didn't know how good he had it.