Friday, March 13, 2009

Open letters: I know way, way too many jerks edition!

Dear Person driving the camper with their Hummer attached to it on the Highway yesterday afternoon at 5:15pm,

Dude. You suck.

No. Seriously. You suck.

I don't care why you found yourself on the Highway. It is completely, 100% inappropriate and will always and forever be completely and 100% inappropriate for you to:
a) Pull your huge-ass vehicle into the furthest left-hand lane
b) Drive exactly one mile BELOW THE POSTED SPEED LIMIT
c) Decide at the ABSOLUTE LAST MINUTE that you need to take an exit when there have been signs going back AT LEAST 30 miles, advising you that you will get to a point in which you have to make a choice and YOU CAN'T CONTINUE GOING THE WAY YOU WERE GOING BECAUSE THE HIGHWAY ENDS
d) Sit blocking two lanes of traffic because you can't get over three lanes where you need to be and should have STAYED IN THE FIRST PLACE

Sir, I know you are far, far more important than I am. Clearly, you have more money than me and have nothing better to do than get onto the highway and annoy people and I know you don't give two craps about me, but frankly? I'm tired. I work a lot. I have two kids that I have to pick up. I commute to a different city for work and it takes me an hour every day to just get to the point where you pulled your big stupid vehicle in my path (without looking...nice touch, thanks for that). I was nearly late to pick up my children. I know someone like you with a lot of money and no sense of shame wouldn't care about something like that, but I do. I have to pay extra money if I'm late. A lot of extra money. I don't have a lot of extra money.

I should not have to suffer because you decide to be an idiot.

So repeat that to yourself, okay? Again and again if you have to:

Other people should not have to suffer because I'm an idiot.
Other people should not have to suffer because I'm an idiot.

Maybe it will sink in eventually.

Hate you! Hope I never see you again!

Dear idiots who stand in the road and scream at my dog while she tries to pee,

Really. What the crap is wrong with you people?

She's a DOG. Dogs do not use the toilet. She has to go outdoors to pee. Haven't you ever watched Animal Planet?

Don't yell at her while she's trying to pee. Don't talk to her while she's trying to pee. Do not approach her in any way, ever. Even if she's not trying to pee. Don't ever, ever come near her.

Leave her alone. She's not doing anything to you. She's not near you. She's nowhere near your property. She's nowhere near your child or children (who would probably try to beat her because they are serial killers in the making). She's nowhere near anyone but me, her owner, who has her on a leash. She's not interested in you, she's not interested in your child, and even though she's a big dog, she's completely harmless. She's just trying to take a pee.



Dear toolish individual who was giving me a hard time before 9am on a Friday morning,

You suck and you were wrong. No matter how you "interpret" it. You were wrong. I showed you were you wrong and you wanted to argue anyway. Which reinforces what a tool you are.

Get over yourself. Preferably using a sharpened stick.


Dear ladies at the gym,

Y'all seem real sweet and whatnot, but seriously? You cannot change the channel every time a women who is skinnier than you comes on.

People on television are skinnier than you. They are skinnier than me. They are skinnier than everyone. If they stand sideways and stick out their tongues? They look like zippers.

It's not human, nor is it natural, nor is it a reason to continually change the channel on the television while I'm trying to watch the news in an effort not to fall asleep on the elliptical. I'm tired and overweight. I would rather be sleeping than on the treadmill. I would prefer, if possible, not to have a seizure due to the rapidly changing channels.

Cut me a freaking break.

Thanks y'all.

Dear Time,

Why do you go so fast when it comes to my children and their upcoming birthday and growing up and so on and SO FREAKING SLOW while I'm at work and on various exercise equipment?

Can we work on that?



Anonymous said...

Ahahhaha. "Look like zippers!" hahahahah.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

And we have to raise our kids in the same world as all these nut jobs.


Angie said...

I thought of you today, as I drove I-40 out in W. Knoxtown. How you do it every day amazes me.

Lisa said...

I just wrote you a long response and my computer just lost it. Gah.

Ok. As for asshat driver - there are times I wish I could affix a large mechanical boot to the front of my car. So I could kick people in the ass when I feel it is necessary. Ya know?

As for Zipper? Heehehehe. Love that.

Oh and I didn't know you had a book out? That is so exciting. Yeay YOU. Can't wait to buy and bask in the awesomeness of it! Squeee.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

GAH, jerks suck!

I laughed my BFA off at the zipper comment earlier today. Just to let you know.

Unknown said...

My husband will kick me if I wake him, and I nearly did over the zipper comment!!! OMG...that.was.fuuunny!!!!

KiKi said...

I can't stop laughing. Sorry your crappy day made me smile :)))

SJINCO said...

....If they stand sideways and stick out their tongues? They look like zippers.

OMG, hilarious.

Oh and yes, jerks suck!