Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Open Letters: I-drive-my-kids-to-school-every-day-edition!

Dear Bitchface,

Sweetness, I know this is probably hard for you to grasp because, bless your heart, you are just stupid, but here is the basic premise of the drop-off lane at the Elementary school:
1) Pull your car into the drop-off lane at a speed of approximately 5 miles per hour
2) Stop your car by gently stepping on your brakes (this is important! Don't stop your car and get out! JUST step on the brakes gently)
3) Wait for the Safety patrol to open the door OR let your child open his or her own door
4) Allow child enough time to exit your vehicle
5) Drive away, satisfied that your child has, once again, begun another fun-filled day of learning

See? Easy.

This is not so much what you do.

Hon, if you are really SO CONCERNED that your six-year old will not take the less than 10 steps that are required for them to ACTUALLY ENTER THE SCHOOLHOUSE that you feel it is necessary to SIT BLOCKING THE ENTIRE DROP-OFF LANE while Polly Polly Princess walks in? Then perhaps you should look into homeschooling.

What? Do you think she's going to make a mad dash for the street? There are like twenty adults standing there. She's already on the freaking sidewalk for God's sake. She's not going ANYWHERE except inside, particularly since it's like twenty degrees and you, for God knows what reason, have allowed your child to wear a short-sleeved Hannah Montana t-shirt and a pair of capri pants to school.

On that note, what the crap is wrong with you that you let your child dress like it's Mardi Gras when it's 20 degrees and snowing outside? Bitch, please.



Dear Moronhole,

For the love of God.

If you are going to park in the parking lot and expect your child to dart through the drop-off lane like Frogger in 1982 could you at least PLEASE NOT WALK HALFWAY WITH THE CHILD and then PUSH HIM IN THE DIRECTION OF THE SCHOOL?

Because seriously? I wanted to either a) run you over, b) call the cops on you, or c) all of the above. You don't PUSH your child, ever, and especially not when cars are coming. Douche.

If you are all that freaking concerned about being on time to buy your drugs or whatever the crap you have to do at 7:10am (and since you are wearing what appears to be a vomit-stained t-shirt, I sincerely doubt it's any type of gainful employment) then SEE THE ABOVE GUIDELINES FOR THE DROP-OFF LANE. It's not that difficult and you don't even have to stop your truck.

Thanks for that. Ass.

Dear Bitch in the Big Dog Pajamas,

It's really nice of you to actually park your vehicle in a designated parking space, exit your vehicle, and walk your child into the school. I'm sure you are a fine mother and your child appreciates this loving gesture very much.

However, Hagface, could you please just not walk right into the drop-off lane without looking because you are talking to your mom or your pimp or whatever on your cell phone?

Also, sunshine, it sort of negates any special memories you have with your child when you spend the entire time yapping to someone else and not even giving the child a kiss goodbye.

So. Work on that. You're supposed to be the responsible one and not bothering to look and/or thinking you are so important that everyone should just slam on their brakes to avoid hitting you is not a good example for your child.


PS: Yes, I honked at you. I don't care if my horn was right next to you. And if you step out in front of my car without looking again? I'm going to rev my engine to see if you pee your pants.

PSS: Put on some jeans next time, okay? Those pajama pants make your butt look huge.

PSSS: Have a great day!


Anonymous said...

I love when you give me a morning smile!

Patience said...

Are we having issues?!?

Anonymous said...

These letters are some of my favorite blog entries and Bitchface may become my new favorite name over Douchebag ;-)

kristi said...

What I love is the people who park where nobody can get out and they take their sweet ass time talking to their little "pumpkin"---this is at the junior high where I drop my daughter off.

And the daycare where I drop my son off, why do people feel the need to park ON TOP of you in their monstrous SUV?? One lady almost hit my freaked him out!

elle said...

Bad morning? Or has it been building up? And when did it become acceptable for adults to wear things to a grade school that the kids would get sent home for wearing?

KrustyLynn said...

I love the Open Letters Editions! Very very funny EVERY SINGLE TIME!

beeker said...

I don't get the wearing of pajamas out in public. I'm weird.

Heather said...

I get so annoyed with the drop off lane at our school too. There is one way you are to enter and exit. There is always some butthead and usually it is a dad who comes in from the sidelot and cuts the line. Like we all aren't waiting to do the exact same thing. His time is obviously so much more important that ours.

Anonymous said...

People in our drop-off line stop (in the LINE) get out, get out all their kids' backpacks, talk to their kids, check to make sure their faces are clean, etc. It is so very hard not to yell at them out my window- SO HARD! Thanks for making me laugh!

Jessa said...

LMFAO I love you. Seriously.

Power Ministries Happenings said...

I *heart* your open letters! You seriously must encounter the SAME people I do!

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I mean, honestly, if you're going to wear PJs in public, at least cover with a long, fashionable coat. And diamonds. And a martini. Seriously.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

LMAO! Except for the guy who pushed his kid. That made me sort of pissed.

Lana@The Kids Did WHAT?! said...

I have never been more grateful for not having to endure these "drop off lanes" so many people have to go through! I just pull up the the school, park in the parking lot, say goodbye and drive away. don't hate me! ;)

PaintedPromise said...

rolling the floor here...

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
SJINCO said...

I see you have issues with your kid's school drop off line?


This was hilarious!

velocibadgergirl said...

I love your open letters, even if they do make me weep for the future of humanity.