Wednesday, May 27, 2009

*Insert sound of head exploding*

This morning? When I opened the front door? Guess what was on my porch?

*Not actual size. Close to actual disgustingness.

It ran off the porch as soon as I opened the door, but not before FREAKING ME THE FREAK RIGHT ON OUT.

I knew raccoons were hanging out because our trash cans, which my husband cleverly ties up with bungee cords, have been broken into. Repeatedly. And dogs can't do that. They can knock them over, but they can't take the bungees off. I know this for sure because my dog Ginger? She's the smartest dog ON THE ENTIRE PLANET. So if she can't do it, no dog can.

THEN, because I'm a huge freak and because it's five thirty in the morning and because I have slept a total of three hours in the past two days? I was afraid to get in my car.

Because there might be a RACCOON IN MY CAR.

So I go around and open all the doors AND the trunk (after, you know, disabling the alarm and unlocking the car. Because raccoons, in my world, can disable alarms and unlock doors and then RE-ENABLE the alarm and then LOCK all the doors back). I looked under the car seats. I reached back and punched the air, vigorously, in case any raccoons (or murderers or rapists) were back there and would benefit from feeling my fists of death.


I got into my car seat and felt something hit my feet.

My heart? Hit the floor.

Slowly, I lowered my eyes and?

I had dropped my freaking cell phone. OUT OF MY OWN HAND.

Good God y'all. I need some sleep.


Patience said...

Yikes!! We had a possum somehow get in our house to make a nest in a cabinet. Never did figure out how she did that, but she's gone now! Which is good because otherwise, I'd still be gone!!

Angie said...

This is hilarious. . . but I am not laughing at you. I'm laughing with you.

You're laughing, right??

Stephanie said...

LOL, get some sleep girl!

Suzy said...

Check out what I'm taking care of until she goes to the wildlife rehab:

She's a sweetie, only 5 weeks old and nothing like the ones tormenting you :)

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

Ugh! I grew up with raccoons in our neighbourhood and they are nasty creatures. Just be glad you don't have a cat. That's all I'm sayin'.

And yes, get some sleep!

AndreAnna said...

When Mike and I first stayed at his parent's vacation house in the Adirondacks, I wouldn't go downstairs unless he went down first because I was convinced there'd be 1) a bear eating from the fridge 2) a psycho-killer or 3) a psycho-killer AND a bear.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

The fastest I ever saw Ty-man move was when we kept hearing noises in our attic. I was nine millions months pregnant with twins and couldn't go up the ladder to investigate, so up the husband went. He shined the flashlight and was just inches from a mama raccoon's face. All 6-feet 4-inches of him hauled ass at the speed of "HOLY CRAP!" down that ladder. It? Was awesome. :)

M said...

i love you i love you i laugh at you i love you.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

I'm an animal lover but raccoons scare the everloving crap out of me. So I don't blame you. We had some at our house in Kingston that were so scary that Scott refused to go outside to chase them away - he just threw an old golf club out the windown in their general direction!

Lisa Chelle said...

i laughed so hard, I couldn't breathe!

velocibadgergirl said...

This made me laugh so loudly that I woke up the dog. XD <3

Priscilla said...

I'm terrified of them too! They are smart, crafty and will eat anything they find. I have a friend on the mountain and the coon's open her laundry room door to get to the dog food stored there. They've even managed to open windows from the outside. It's horrible!