Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Open Letters: It's Tuesday, what the hell? Edition!

Dear Jason,

When you wake up later today and discover a big red mark on the underside of your arm? You need to know that I did that. You also need to know that I am not sorry I did that. Not even a little bit.

For, darling, when it is 2am and I am attempting to sleep and you decide for some reason that my FACE is your pillow? You are lucky I didn't stab you.

Also? My head? Is not a place to lay your arm. It is not a shelf. It is MY HEAD.

Thus? After you continued to try to use my face as your pillow and my head as your armshelf, even after I told you THAT'S MY FACE and THAT'S MY HEAD several times? I had to take matters into my own hands. Which is why I pinched you really, really hard on that very sensitive spot right near your armpit. It was just to make you stop it. And it worked. You rolled away, pulled the cover over your head, and began to snore like a defective buzzsaw once again.

So. There you go. This is marriage, day 2230.

Love you buttface,

Dear all you nice people,

I have stuff to give away to you. Including this, which is new and you might really want if you have a pre-teen child running about.

It's free y'all. You can win it. Seriously. I'll just give it to you. It's nice stuff. Go there. Or whatever.

Okay thanks bye!

Dear bitchface who pulled out in front of me yesterday when I was attempting to pick my children up from school,

Listen hon, I know it's like ULTRA IMPORTANT for you to get...wherever it is that you have to be, but we are in a PARKING LOT. A parking lot RESPLENDENT WITH CHILDREN. I'm sure you don't know what resplendent means, but basically? There's a lot of kids there. So stop being a hosebag whore. Where you are going is not important enough to mow down other people especially those that I believe are our future. I promise.

Also sugar, there are TWO lanes. One goes ONE direction and the other goes the OTHER direction. DO NOT DRIVE STRADDLING BOTH LANES thereby blocking everyone behind you until your stupid ass decides where you want to go. If you don't know where you are going? Stay home until you figure it out.


Dear my butt,



Dear John Edwards,

Have you choked on a bag of dicks yet?

If not, get on that. You need something to do other than fathering children with people who aren't your CANCER-STRICKEN WIFE.

Bite me,

PS: Don't really bite me.

Dear book that really should be in the editing stages by now and is still unfinished because the stupid author can't make up her mind about how much she really wants her dad to know,



Dear Boy and Girl Children,

It is really almost painfully sad how fast you are growing up. And there is nothing I can do about it.

Love you so much,
Your mom

To all the moms having a hard day,

You only get them for a little while.

It doesn't seem like it today, but someday? You will miss this. Even the tears.

I promise.




Dear Stephanie's Book,

Ask Stephanie to go ahead and write whatever needs to get written. Her dad was young once, too. He'll get over it.

Hugs, Nancy

Anonymous said...

So... only the nice people qualify to win the free stuff, eh? I'm okay with that. I'm nice.

Oh and I agree with Fuzzarelly (great name!) be as honest as you can. Go for it! And what she said besides. Hugs from me, too.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

I love how much you hate John Edwards. He deserves it!

Good luck with the book!

Kathy said...

Dear Stephanie -

Thanks for sharing so many of your thoughts honestly and openly. I appreciate that in a person.

Have a lovely day.


P.S. I agree with Fuzzarelly. You can always ask Dad not to read it.

Anonymous said...


You're so hot. I am too. I'd love to meet you in person. I think we'd really hit it off - if you know what I mean. ;)

John E.

manders said...

I live with a snorer. There are moments in the night where I truly believe I am capable of torture. This morning marked 8103 nights I have shown self restraint as he continues to breathe, so that tonight can suck all the suck that exists.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing all this. You make me laugh just about ever day and I def need it today. Hugs!

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I can't decide if the anonymous comment is funny or horrible. Possibly both.

Love your letters and can't wait for your next book.

LzyMom said...

You made me cry. I've really been struggling with my 2 month old. Sleep? What's that. I've been wishing that she'd grow up already so I can read a book or have a bath or take a nap... But I try and remind myself (while washing bottles for the 200th time) that soon I'll miss washing the bottles and waking up at 2am. Maybe. :)

Thanks for being you!

SJINCO said...

Thanks for making my day today. It started off a bit rough but I actually laughed out loud while reading this.

I love your open letters.

TheMrsFoolMonty said...

TheMrFool does this fish flop thing in the middle of the night that defies nature by all stretches of the imagination. Its really odd and kinda creepy. I've been fortunate enough on more than a few occassions to not only get to feel it but witness it visually. I feel your pain.

Twisted Cinderella said...

Thanks for posting this. Pinching his arm made me laugh out loud and that last one made this pregnant girl cry.

Suzy Voices said...

I HATE HATE HATE it when people drive fast through parking lots (or nbeighborhoods for God's sake). I've been known to yell "Slow down!" like a 75-year-old man.

Man, the last part got to me. Kids are starting school tomorrow, and it always makes me sad.

la aventurista said...

Letters are such a good way to get everything out! You crack me up! :)

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

"Hosebag whore" made me snort Diet Pepsi out my nose. :)

Anonymous said...

the last letter got me all tear-eyed. it's been a rough couple of days with those kids who I love so much but can just really make me see red. thanks for the reminder that they're only this young once

Jenski said...

Is this the first time you've had to pinch Jason that hard? 'Cuz I'll admit I'm surprised after 2230 days of marriage and the stories. :-)

Ah, snoring.