Questions I get to answer.

Dear Chick,

You and your husband must be really bad drivers, because you get in a lot of accidents.

Okay, technically this isn’t a question. It’s more of a blunt statement.

I am not a bad driver. My husband? Questionable. But I am not a bad driver.

One of the things I’ve really tried to do, I mean, really, make a sincere effort to do, is drive slowly and carefully and not speed and not get upset and not have road rage and want to shoot people in the face. Because if you lived here? You would want to shoot people in the face all the time. All. The. Time.

So, I drive the speed limit. I stay in the further right lane, if at all possible. I don’t get mad or angry when people cut me off. I try to slow down or get into the other lane if someone needs to merge in. I don’t cut people off.

And someone slams in the driver’s side of my car. So basically, there is no winning.

And, okay, really? I drive about 90 miles a day, on average. If you drive that much and the majority of it is on a major interstate? I would imagine your likelihood of being in accidents would be higher. It’s not rocket science.

Thanks for the judgment though. That’s awesome.

Dear Chick,

I/We love your website. Would you endorse (insert random product here) on your blog?

Seriously. It’s freaking me out. I’ve been getting these a lot lately. I know some of them are just random, we’re emailing every single person we’ve seen with a blog to see if we can get them to give our product a plug, kind of emails. But some of them actually read my blog and our offering me goods and services to “endorse” them. Now that’s crazy!

I’ve ignored most of them, mostly because no one has asked me to endorse a Prada bag or a new house in a better neighborhood or anything. But I am going to do a guest blogging spot soon because the company just wanted stories, not endorsements. So that will be fun. And I’m thinking about if I want to do some other reviews. For a lot of different reasons, most of which I am torn on.

For bloggers who have been around for a while…is this common? Would you do this? Do you do this? Tell me about it.

Chick,

That post you did about XYZ wasn’t funny. I thought this was a Humor Blog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am linked on Humor Blogs (go to my sidebar and click the link…go on…I’ll wait). But I’m not always funny. Some days, my life both sucks and blows and I just can’t be funny. Some days I feel like covering a really serious topic, like my misshapen eyebrows or Britney Spears and her really ugly wigs. And those things are just not funny.

I can’t be funny all the time. There is no “Satisfaction Guaranteed” sign on this blog and you can’t sue me for $54 million dollars.

Some people think I’m never funny, and that’s cool too. You know what I do if I go to a blog and I don’t think it’s funny and I really want/need/hope that it will be? I just don’t go back.

It works really well.

Dear Chick,

I think you are hot. Do you want to get together?

Oh sure! Let’s run off together and make like, four hundred babies. Let me just go pack a bag filled with my granny panties and military-style cross your heart bras. Because Chick is bringing sexy back!

Can you believe that crap? Seriously? Are there really men who just go about the internet looking for women who might be willing to sleep with them?

Never mind. Dumb question.

Also? He thinks I’m hot? What, in that picture where I have my arms around my HUSBAND? Do you think he’s hot also?

Dear Chick,

As your friend I think I should tell you that you really shouldn’t talk about going to therapy on your blog.

Really?

#1: We aren’t friends. I have no idea who you are. Seriously. None. I’m sorry if I’ve mislead you into believing somehow we’ve had coffee together. My bad.

#2: Why? Seriously, why? I’m supposed to be ashamed that I’ve taken steps to make myself healthy and, to a lesser extent, sane? THAT’S embarrassing somehow? After all the crap I talk about the size of my ass, my children saying curse words, and my obsessive love for all things Mr. T, Weird Al, and Fred Thompson and THAT is what is embarrassing? Huh.

You know what’s really embarrassing? That about 98% of the population actually NEEDS therapy and about 10% actually go out and get it. You know what else is embarrassing? Lots of little children and lots of wives and husbands and daughters and friends SUFFER because people are embarrassed to admit they have problems. The thought of my little children hurting because I know I have a problem and I’m to ashamed to do something about it? Makes me want to hurl.

Guess what, friend? Everyone has problems. Everyone. I’m sorry you aren’t cool with that.