Friday, June 29, 2007

Questions I get to answer.

Dear Chick,

You and your husband must be really bad drivers, because you get in a lot of accidents.

Okay, technically this isn’t a question. It’s more of a blunt statement.

I am not a bad driver. My husband? Questionable. But I am not a bad driver.

One of the things I’ve really tried to do, I mean, really, make a sincere effort to do, is drive slowly and carefully and not speed and not get upset and not have road rage and want to shoot people in the face. Because if you lived here? You would want to shoot people in the face all the time. All. The. Time.

So, I drive the speed limit. I stay in the further right lane, if at all possible. I don’t get mad or angry when people cut me off. I try to slow down or get into the other lane if someone needs to merge in. I don’t cut people off.

And someone slams in the driver’s side of my car. So basically, there is no winning.

And, okay, really? I drive about 90 miles a day, on average. If you drive that much and the majority of it is on a major interstate? I would imagine your likelihood of being in accidents would be higher. It’s not rocket science.

Thanks for the judgment though. That’s awesome.

Dear Chick,

I/We love your website. Would you endorse (insert random product here) on your blog?

Seriously. It’s freaking me out. I’ve been getting these a lot lately. I know some of them are just random, we’re emailing every single person we’ve seen with a blog to see if we can get them to give our product a plug, kind of emails. But some of them actually read my blog and our offering me goods and services to “endorse” them. Now that’s crazy!

I’ve ignored most of them, mostly because no one has asked me to endorse a Prada bag or a new house in a better neighborhood or anything. But I am going to do a guest blogging spot soon because the company just wanted stories, not endorsements. So that will be fun. And I’m thinking about if I want to do some other reviews. For a lot of different reasons, most of which I am torn on.

For bloggers who have been around for a while…is this common? Would you do this? Do you do this? Tell me about it.


That post you did about XYZ wasn’t funny. I thought this was a Humor Blog.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am linked on Humor Blogs (go to my sidebar and click the link…go on…I’ll wait). But I’m not always funny. Some days, my life both sucks and blows and I just can’t be funny. Some days I feel like covering a really serious topic, like my misshapen eyebrows or Britney Spears and her really ugly wigs. And those things are just not funny.

I can’t be funny all the time. There is no “Satisfaction Guaranteed” sign on this blog and you can’t sue me for $54 million dollars.

Some people think I’m never funny, and that’s cool too. You know what I do if I go to a blog and I don’t think it’s funny and I really want/need/hope that it will be? I just don’t go back.

It works really well.

Dear Chick,

I think you are hot. Do you want to get together?

Oh sure! Let’s run off together and make like, four hundred babies. Let me just go pack a bag filled with my granny panties and military-style cross your heart bras. Because Chick is bringing sexy back!

Can you believe that crap? Seriously? Are there really men who just go about the internet looking for women who might be willing to sleep with them?

Never mind. Dumb question.

Also? He thinks I’m hot? What, in that picture where I have my arms around my HUSBAND? Do you think he’s hot also?

Dear Chick,

As your friend I think I should tell you that you really shouldn’t talk about going to therapy on your blog.


#1: We aren’t friends. I have no idea who you are. Seriously. None. I’m sorry if I’ve mislead you into believing somehow we’ve had coffee together. My bad.

#2: Why? Seriously, why? I’m supposed to be ashamed that I’ve taken steps to make myself healthy and, to a lesser extent, sane? THAT’S embarrassing somehow? After all the crap I talk about the size of my ass, my children saying curse words, and my obsessive love for all things Mr. T, Weird Al, and Fred Thompson and THAT is what is embarrassing? Huh.

You know what’s really embarrassing? That about 98% of the population actually NEEDS therapy and about 10% actually go out and get it. You know what else is embarrassing? Lots of little children and lots of wives and husbands and daughters and friends SUFFER because people are embarrassed to admit they have problems. The thought of my little children hurting because I know I have a problem and I’m to ashamed to do something about it? Makes me want to hurl.

Guess what, friend? Everyone has problems. Everyone. I’m sorry you aren’t cool with that.


AnnieM said...

Bringin' sexy back one granny panty at a time! Woot!

nailgirl said...

YOU sure get thr freaks huh girlie!

Sarcastic Housewife #1 said...

Well, ya know someone has to write this stuff - it just doesn't happen by itself. Look at it as doing a service for people rather than just not doing the stuff you get paid to do. I had a friend once who said he went to work to get some rest.

Anonymous said...

Hell to the YES I'll be here for the 12 days of marriage. I may even wear my wedding dress each day while reading it just to be in the spirit of things!!

Bethany said...

OOh can't wait to read your love story!!

Hi my name is Bethany and I spent 2.5 years in therapy and go in for "tune ups" when needed. One of the best things I've ever done.

moosh in indy. said...

You're so totally hotter and much more popular than I am.
Enjoy it chick.

Anonymous said...

I read ALOT of chick lit and I think you would probably make money if you wrote a book. I owe the library 11.50 right now that I don't I'm reading your chapters (back months) sad is that? Good thing you're funny so I forget the reason I can't library it is because I don't have 11.50...

Kimberly said...

Sometimes I really fear for the future of the human race. Seriously.

I've had a few gal pals do product endorsements/reviews, and so far have only had positive experiences. Often you get free stuff in the mail, and hey, freebies rock, right? I got my first such email just a few days ago and feel hugely important and popular now. Yay!

Can't wait for Monday!

velocibadgergirl said... one ever asks me to review anything, endorse anything, or write anything for them. So I guess I pretty much suck!

I'm glad people realize that you don't suck, though!

my4kids said...

You definetly get some weird emails, chick! I briefly thought of sending you one myself to be part of the weird crowd.....
I never thought you were a bad driver, its usually the good drivers who get hit all the time, if you were a bad driver you would be talking about hitting people!
Also going to therapy is something people should be proud of that means your strong enough to acnowledge you need help, and thats a good thing in my opinion!
Scribbit (on my sidebar) does product reviews pretty often actually we talk through email alot and she actually gets some really good deals on things and sometimes is able to offer discounts to her readers! I've had a couple emails from people asking if I would advertise on my sidebar but I don't want to do that personally thats not why I blog. It's up to you if you want to though I don't have any problems with any of the other bloggers who have them.
Looking forward to your Marriage story. sounds exciting...hehe.
Your a great blogger though chick, I've always been glad I found you, you brighten my day wether you have a great funny post or another at least I know that not everyone always has a good day, you can't always blog about funny when your blogging about your life. It wouldn't be real.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

Dear Person Who Called Chick A Bad Driver,

I've ridden with her. She's NOT a bad driver. So eff off, A-hole.

Dear Person Who Thinks Chick Is Hot And Wants To Get With Her,

Back off beeyotch. She's MINE.


M said...

I *heart* Dawn in case you didnt know. I also *heart* you but you already knew that. I do not *heart* your dumbass emailers though they crack my shit up. I do *heart* you talking about therapy because hot damn! I'm in therapy too and if you can admit it so can I! (I wonder what the person who wrote you would think about me and my wonder talks about my crazy pills! WEEE! THAT shouldn't be on the internet either!)

Additionally...hell yeah for cross your heart and granny panties. I'm telling you the two of us are peas in a pod. I wear the underwire free ones now even because I rock like that. Hell yeah. I'm bringing sexy back with ya. xoxo

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Even though you and Jason are totally freaking awesome and I wish were all neighbors (my neighborhood, not yours), I am still glad I don't drive the same roads as you.

I have been shot in the face before. It wasn't too much fun, but I'm okay now.

I have been shot in the face before. It wasn't too much fun, but I'm okay now.

I enjoy reading your blog. Sometimes you are funny, sometimes you are serious, sometimes you are ..... ???

But always, very interesting and well worth the time.

Bless You.

Emma in Canada said...

I think you need to start naming people. Seriously.

As long as one of them is not me of course. But I'm pretty sure I've not asked you any of those questions. Definitely not the getting together one because I'm quite certain I don't swing that way.

frannie said...

I am surprised that some of those douchinators even know how to use a computer.... what 'tards!

julie said...

I can't wait to read your crap and ass love story.

EE said...

You are a offense;)
What I wouldn't give for someone to ask me at least one of those questions over on my blog...

Oh, did you ever hear anything back from the d.head guy (who reads your blog and wants to "date" you again)?

Angie said...

You are wonderful. . . whether your posts are funny or not. I still read, faithfully.

I would never think to ask you some of the bizarre-ass questions that people ask you.

Seriously. Did they go to kindergarten?

CPA Mom said...

1) I have to say that ever since you emailed me and told me about the 12 days of marriage writing? I've been squealing like a...well, I don't know what. I'm a city girl. But I've been squealing. Yeah! Love your writing girl!

2) Therapy and therapeutic drugs? ROCK ON. I've been in therapy on and off for 16 years probably. May be the only reason I'm still on this planet. That, and friends like you.

3) You know I do reviews. Email me if you want to talk specifics.

4) i cannot stop laughing at this post. You are the funniest person I have ever read, published and unpublished.

Jocelyn said...

I would need a bulleted list to keep track of everything here that cracks me up. Let's just sum it up by saying that the conversational voice you bring to your writing puts you right inside readers' heads, and so your funnyness hits loud and clear.

Amy W said...

Join the bad driving club...have you seen my van lately?

Can't wait to read all your installments!

Catwoman said...

I heart you. And the freaks who read your blog and ask you weird crap.

But I heart you and your hysterical answers to their stupidity more.

Amira said...

:) Ah, Chick. How I've missed ye!

Ditto on Julie's comment on the crap and ass love story. (Aren't they all that way? Maybe it's just us...)

Shanilie said...

I definitely have to try this some time! Loved all of your answers. Sheesh, some of the questions peopple come up with!

Rachel said...

I have gotten a couple of email recently about doing product reviews on my blog too! I just deleted them, but maybe I will look into it.

By the way, I purple glittery sparkles heart you!