Friday, August 17, 2007

Can my faith in humanity be restored?

Probably not, judging by the Open House at the Elementary School last night.

I, as the Girl Scout representative, was in rare form. With a massive headache, two hours of sleep and a mere 800 ounces of Diet Pepsi to sustain me, I plowed into the school with the determination of an ugly guy with a Camaro trying to get with a fat chick.

Immediately, I saw my only neighbor who seems like a decent human being. So that was good. Sadly, five minutes after that I saw my neighbor who likes to stand in the street and scream at me what a fat ass I am. Thankfully, he arrived at the Open House sober, but still. I don't want to hang out with him.

I arranged all my paperwork on the table that the school thoughtfully provided me. Then I put out five bags of candy, all over the table. So people would actually want to talk to me.

Shortly after we arrived the whole place was flooded with people. Boy Child thoughtfully decided to comment to me, in a voice that could only be heard by people throughout the entire school and possibly the next county,

"Mom! Why do all the other mother's have gang tattoo's?"

I really wanted to say, "I know! Right?" but they really DID have gang tattoo's and I was afraid they would cut me. I'm not talking nice flowers or hearts or tribal bands or anything remotely pretty. I'm talking, D E A T H written across the fingers and teardrops under their eyelids and those bleeding hearts with big butcher knives stuck in them. They looked at me with hate in their eyes and I was all like, "No! Those are...lady tattoos!"

Yeah. Okay.

Most people were really nice. I talked to a lot of people and gave away all my candy. I got twelve girls to sign up as being interested and two mom's who wanted to sign up to be leaders.

I also got one mom who asked, loudly, "Don't the Girl Scouts molest children?"

No, I'm serious. She really asked that.

I said, "Um, no. If that's what you're looking for you might try another group."

You guys would have been SO proud of me! Because, seriously? I think people say stupid inflammatory crap like that just to get a rise out of others. And I don't need that. Oh no.

She looked flummoxed and then quickly said that she thought she'd "seen it on the t.v. this one time" and then she walked away.

Score one for me!

The absolute best part of the night was when a little girl came over to our table to talk with Boy Child.

The girl reminded me so much of my beloved friend Badgergirl. She was tall and willowy and pretty in a very natural way. She had the little glasses and her hair was in a ponytail. The ponytail holder? Was striped.

There was something about her. I don't know. She was adorable. She looked smart and funny. She looked like the type of kid that I would love to be friends with Boy Child.

And she shrieked, as fifth grade girls do, "Boy Child!"

And ran over.



I was in awe. I was in love. I was like, "Boy Child? Could you please marry this girl so I can be around her forever? Because she seems like someone I would like."

Boy Child, as is typical, rolled his eyes and said, "I can't marry her mom. I'm only nine years old!"

Girl Child, who was listening but not commenting much up to that point said, "He's never even experienced life to the fullest mom! He can't get married."

Fair enough.

THEN, the little girl's mother came over and I swear to you, she looked JUST LIKE LIZARITA!

I was like, "You look JUST LIKE my friend Elizabeth!"

And she said, and no, I'm not kidding, "People tell me that all the time."

Liz, even though we don't live in the same town, you are totally famous! FAMOUS!

The Liz-lady was SO NICE. I was so glad I got to talk to some people who are nice and friendly and normal and decent and whatnot.

Overall, it was a good night.

Is it okay if I still hate a lot of people though? I hope so.


Catwoman said...

So where are boy child and his future wife registered so I can send them a "congratulations on your 2020 engagement!" gift?

Because you did register them, right? And reserve the banquet hall for the engagement party, right? We Mamas have to plan ahead, you know.

Morgan Leigh said...

:) wow. puppy love. awwww. i can't wait until i'm like that with z. of course, i'm kind of worried that he might bring someone home that reminds me of his grandma or something. gasp. !!

and, yes, it's ok that you still don't like people.

Kimberly said...

Oh...that was just a beautifully enjoyable post. On so many levels.

Your kids? Brilliant. I mean, how often do you encounter nine year olds who are so bloody articulate?

And I did notice that boy child only protested on the age issue. Interesting...

Maybe you should have his future in-laws over for that dinner party you dream of having.

Anonymous said...

Your neighbors? Should be banished to live somewhere craptastic. With my neighbors.

Yes, it is okay to still hate a lot of people. Perfectly okay.

Your kids? Mini-You's that CRACK ME UP!! :)

JustRandi said...

Beautiful beautiful come-back. If I could think as quickly as you, I'd be so happy. It usually takes me a couple of hours to think of what would have been the exact right thing to say.

Angie said...

You rock the open house, Chick!

Sarcastic Housewife said...

It is perfectly okay to hate some people. That is why they are here on earth - to remind us of how nice some people can be.

frannie said...

i adore you kidfolk!!! adore them, I say!

Lizarita said...

I heart you.
And The Girl and Boy Child.
And the Girl Scout Troops.
And scary ladies with tattoos.
But mostly just you.

M said...

I love you and your kidfolk too.

And a G-Homie look alike actalike bealike? I can only PRAY Liam gets him one of them someday!

BTW...I hate everyone so you can join me in the hate table, alright? A few doors away from the girlscouts who molest. we don't want to get mixed up with that shit. yo.

SJ said...

Count me in! I hate people too...

Amira said...

So now I feel normal, too. Thanks. I just don't get into those open house things, but know I will be at them frequently now. Thanks for the "ice-breaker".

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

There was candy??

Heather said...

"I really wanted to say, "I know! Right?" but they really DID have gang tattoo's and I was afraid they would cut me."

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

And....WHAT THE HECK?!?!

julie said...

I hope it's OK, because I still hate a lot of people, too.

EE said...

Would you please invite me to one of your school events? I'm dying to see the gang tattoos!!!!

Amy W said...

The gang tattoos? The molesting thing? Hilarious!

Jocelyn said...

Seems to me you hate the bad people and love up the good ones. Nuthin' wrong with that.

Rachel said...

Now I'm confused. So you are supposed to experience life to the fullest before you get married?