It's becoming way to easy to do this.

Dearest husband,

A bit of marital housekeeping today.

First, just a hint. If you are standing in front of the area in which the paper towels are kept, holding an empty plastic package that formerly contained paper towels and you ask me, “Are we out of paper towels?” I’m just going to want to kick you in the nads.

Honey, seriously. I don’t keep a secret stash of paper towels anywhere. They are not in my car, nor they are in my bra, nor are they somewhere in the children’s rooms. I do not keep paper towels anywhere except for the exact location I have kept them for the past three years. You can CLEARLY SEE we are out of paper towels. Asking me will not magically make them appear.

Second, if you and I are discussing a product and I tell you something about said product and then five days later you decide to educate me on the exact same product that I originally told YOU about? There will be trouble. For example, the reason I was looking at you incredulously when you were explaining to me how much fiber the All-Bran crackers have is because I just told YOU on Saturday how much fiber they have. Try to keep up.

Finally, while it is very sweet of you to help me get my laundry done, I don’t put my bras on hangers. Ever. Just fold them and put them in my top drawer with the rest of my unmentionables. Work with me here.

Thanks.

Love,
Your wife




Dear Fergie-Ferg,

While I like your new song on the radio about being a big girl more than I like your previous song in which you are talking about flossing or being a flossy or a floozy or whatever it is, I have to say that I am having a lot of difficulty understanding what the new song actually means.

The lyrics, in part, state:

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself in center
Clarity, peace, serenity

It sort of sounds like, “Yay! I love you! Now get away from me!”

Am I wrong? I apologize if I am.

Also? It really skeeves me out to mention Uno cards and jacks and sex all in same song. I know you didn’t say “sex” specifically, but in talking about being lovers? I got what you meant. And it wasn’t Candyland. Unless you are into that kind of thing, which maybe you are.

And…I just grossed myself out.

ANYWAY. Thanks for the new song. It’s very singable. I also appreciate that you haven’t recently peed on yourself, nor have I seen your crotch lately. AND you didn’t spell ANYTHING in the new song. Go you!

Bye for now!
That Chick




Dear Jack McClellan,

Seriously? I hope a really big, ugly murderer named Willis decides to make you his girlfriend.

Enjoy jail you disgusting perv.

Bye!
That Chick




Dear co-workers,

At 8am I am just walking through the door. I know that is distressing to you, but I live 45 miles away and have two small children that I drop off at school every morning and unless I break the sound barrier on Interstate 40 there is just absolutely no way that I can get here any earlier than five or ten minutes before 8am.

That being said, if you see me walking down the hall to my office, carrying my purse and keys and planner and, most especially, an unopened Diet Pepsi? Could you please just give me a moment to get into my office and turn on my computer?

I know that you guys have absolutely no idea that you are not the most important thing in my life. Apparently none of you were raised by Britney Spears and your moms all did a good job making you feel special. But honestly? You aren’t special to me. You are just another person asking me for another thing. Did you not realize that I have two jobs? And we currently have no Training Manager, so basically I’m doing that job also? And I have work for my “home” company that they also want and need. And (this is very important, please listen) if you are a huge dick to me, your request goes into the bottom of my priority list?

My to-do list for today has already spilled over into not just Thursday, but Friday. I’ll try to help you if I can, but I don’t have time to sit and listen to you complain about how inefficient training is or how you aren’t going to do your training. I would be more efficient if you didn’t waste my time with your yang-yanging and frankly? I don’t give two craps if you do your training or not. It won’t hurt me in any way, shape, or form if you don’t. However, when you can’t get into the building? You’ll be hosed.

Have a great day.

-Chick




Dear big honking ugly tumor on my ovary,

Good God could you please just go away?!?!?! I have enough going on without your hot mess.

Thanks!
That Chick




Dear son,

Last night? When you and I were looking at sentence structure and you told me that “because he likes tuna fish” was a sentence fragment and then you suggested that an appropriate way to correct that sentence would be “He smells like ass because he likes tuna fish.”?

I was never more proud in my life.

I don’t know if that’s a reflection on me or you, but either way, it felt pretty good.

Thanks for making this whole mom thing worthwhile.

I love you kid.

-Momma