Thursday, September 20, 2007

Last night...

I couldn't sleep.

I don't sleep well anyway and there's a whole lot of nonsense going on at work. Which is sort of normal, I suppose. There's always b.s. but this is, I don't know, ADVANCED B.S. or something.

Anyway.

Most nights this week I've worked until midnightish so I can get certain things done. Last night I was so tired around 10:30pm that my head was bobbing and I just couldn't stay away.

I slept fitfully.

In a dream, a horrible nightmare, my mom called me and told me my dad had died.

I remember only her saying that he had died. I remember screaming and screaming in the dream...like an animal. Shrieking and weeping.

I woke up in a cold sweat. Terrified. Feeling unbelievably sad and alone.

My dad has cancer. He's doing well, but he still has cancer.

Last time I saw him I was struck at how, well, old he looked. I remember my dad being my age. I guess he was twenty-five when I was born, almost twenty-six. I was only six years old when he was the age I am right now.

Last time I saw him he was sitting in his little chair by his swimming pool, watching my son and daughter intently. He has gray in his beard and wrinkles around his eyes. He laughed as he watched them, trying so hard to snap the perfect picture of them jumping off the diving board.

Not that he's old now. He's not, not really.

But he's not 31. Not anymore.

My dad getting older makes me so aware of the fact that I'm getting older. That I've still not figured anything out and I'm still a huge mess. That I have no idea what I'm going to be when I grow up.



That even though I'm a grown woman, I still need my dad to be around.

21 comments:

Kelly M said...

I wish your dad the best of LUCK!! I too need my dad around and like you constantly worry about him. He had a heart bypass a couple of years ago..and now? I'm like an over protective mother...I am constantly harping on him to not do things alone ..especially strenious things...

I so hate nightmares that seem so real...I have actually had quite a bit of them..and usually when I wake up in the morning..no matter what time..I call whomever the nightmare was about to make sure everything is AOK!! So far..it all has been!!

Stephanie said...

It's hard to watch your parents grow older. It's hard for me, too. Somehow my mom seems to be more capable and I worry less about her than I do my Dad. I'm with you. We need our Dads to stick around. And I so identify with that image of Dad at 31... always. Even when you see him regularly and he looks 67 (or whatever). I hope your Dad does really well and beats that cancer, so he can be around for you and your kiddos for a long, long time.

Much More Than A Mom said...

My dad has cancer too and I feel you. I want him around forever. Sorry - bad dreams suck.

Joy T. said...

Aww sorry to hear about your dad. Nice to read about him enjoying your kids so much. Both are lucky. Here's to some peaceful sleeping in your future.

Angie said...

Funny how our lives seem to parallel. My friend is losing her father to cancer (slowly, but quickly) in Indiana. As I talked to her (and cried with her) this week, I realized how much of a mess I am going to be when I lose my dad.

I choose not to think about it. But, I'm with you...seriously. . .with you.

Mark just asked me, "Would you really like to meet 'that chick' for dinner sometime. . . ?"

I said, YES!

mrks said...

Losing my dad was rough.....even if you have time to prepare yourself, it's still bad. Cherish the time you have, tell him all the things you need to, and be sure you have no regrets.....I'm living with many, right now.

Kellie said...

I miss my dad. Well, he's my step-dad. But, my Dad. He hasn't spoke to me in three years and I'm SO scared of something happening to him. Terrifies me.

Hug your Dad extra tight and tell him all your bloggy friends think he rocks and we love him :)

frannie said...

you just said so much of how I feel. I'm starting to wonder if I will ever achieve the things I want and get "it" figured out. I always feel like life eludes me.

I think it is mocking me.

Shari said...

Hey lady, you just remember, very few people know what they want to be when they grow up. You're a great person, with a big heart... That sounds like something awesome to be when I grow up.

My dad has MS and he's aged so much in the last few years. It's hard and girl always needs her dad...

Catwoman said...

I don't think you're ever old enough to lose your dad. I'm sorry about your dream. That sounds absolutely terrifying.

~JJ! said...

You're never old enough to lose a parent. Ever.

hugs.

Amy W said...

I hate those dreams...

I hope he is well and fighting cancer...

And you need not to work so much, you know, with vacation coming up soon and all!!

Priscilla said...

I feel your pain.

My folks. In their young 70's are forcing me into conversations that start with, 'when we die'. It's horribly depressing.

Horribly.

I tell them they are not going to die, ever, but if they feel they must, spend it all now!

Kimberly said...

Moments like this hurt the heart so intensely, but we need them so desperately. There's so little sweetness in life when there isn't sorrow to counterpoint it. That sounds like a bunch of hooey, but I think it's true.

When my mum almost died this summer it hit me really, really hard. And while I wish like crazy she didn't have to have gone through that, I'm grateful in a way. It's hard to put into words, though.

I wonder if we interviewed a whole whack of 80 years olds, would they feel like they have it together? Like they know what they want to be when they grow up? I really do wonder.

Rachel said...

It doesn't matter how old you get, every girl needs her daddy. I cannot even imagine where I would be without mine.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

That "Power of Dad" thing is pretty strong, ain't it?

Sleep well, my friend.

Blessings.

Wenderina said...

I found your site through typical blog way - you were on someone else's fav list and now you're on mine. See today's post - "Blog Envy" on anxiousmoments.

My father, who I haven't much blogged about yet, passed away from lung cancer a few years ago. Other than missing him EVERY day, I have no regrets, because I told him everything I needed to before he passed. This is the ONLY beauty of cancer - one last chance, knowing someone may not be there tomorrow, to say what you want.

I hate it when it only happens at the funeral.

Wishing your Dad a positive prognosis and you peace of mind.

Sam said...

I wish I still had my dad.

CPA Mom said...

oh, this made my heart ache. Both for you and for me. I have zero relationship with my dad - his choice - zero. he has zero relationship with my kids. i keep wondering what is so wrong with me that he prefers his new wife and child.

my4kids said...

I've had that dream myself before I can easily say it was my worst nightmare. My dad is still my "daddy" in my eyes and I still call him that regularly. I hope all goes well for your dad and I'm sure you'll have him around for years to come....

Edie C said...

Oh Chick... I feel for you. My dad battled lymphoma last year and it was one of the roughest times I've ever experienced. He is doing good now, but lymphoma is one of those cancers that WILL come back. So, it's like we are sitting on a time bomb. :(

While he was going through chemo, he was totally NOT himself. My father has always been one to stay busy all the time. He worked 60 hours a week, plus he had his hobbies that occupied the rest of his time. While he was going through chemo, he couldnt' do anything but sit around and watch tv. It was heartbreaking. Not to mention the fact that he lost all his hair and he did just seem older.

I, too, have had that nightmare and awoken the same way. There's really nothing that I can say to comfort you. Just value each and every moment you have with him and be sure he knows how much you love him. Dad's cancer definitely brought us closer as a family.

I'll be thinking about you. :(