Friday, September 14, 2007

Open letters: Now with extra wang!

Dear Man with the minuscule penis parked in the drop-off lane at the Elementary school,

You know, I honestly don’t know how small your penis actually is, but judging by the fact that not only are you driving the largest most yellow Hummer I’ve ever seen, you parked it squarely in the middle of the drop-off lane (lanes, I should say, since you blocked both sides), got out of the vehicle, and then went into the school for God knows what reason, I’m going to guess that it would require an electron microscope to see it.

Sir, the entire premise of a drop-off lane is so that people can, you know, DROP THEIR CHILDREN OFF in front of the school. Not have to sit there waiting while you go inside to floss your butt hair or whatever it is you were doing.

And yes, I understand it was raining this morning. Clearly, you will not melt and you are a complete douchehat to be so concerned about getting your wee little precious self wet. Grow a pair and get your shirt wet. Or, you know, get out your My Little Pony umbrella.

Screw you.

-That Chick

Dear Wad who works down the hall from me,

Dude. It’s 9am. Why are you eating onions?

And not just any onions. Onions so offensive that I can smell them the moment I step out into the hall. Onions so vile that the tiny little hairs in my nose began to curl.

I like onions just fine. I do not like them at 9am.

Stop it, stinky man.

That Chick

Dear guy who is cursing in the hall,

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Knock it off.


Dear son,

You know, when I found out I was pregnant with twins I prayed to God I would have two girls.

Because I didn’t, and don’t, understand boys.

Boys to me are one of those great mysteries of life, much like spray-on bedliners and Hair in a can. When I found out I was having a son I was terrified. I don’t understand bugs and eating things you stuck in your pocket last week or even football.

Somehow, though, it’s all worked out pretty good.

What’s weird is that even though you have a penis, you and I are pretty much alike. We both are sensitive and funny and seem to take great pleasure in laughing at the world around us, especially when it includes something goofy we’ve done. Neither of us seem to have a problem laughing at ourselves, and really? I think it’s a gift. It’s like this amazing gift that we get to share. That’s why I always laugh when you accidentally fart, even though your farts stink something awful.

It really amazes me how much I have come to respect and appreciate you in only nine short years. Especially considering how very much you seemed to hate me the first year of your life. You are always the one who encourages me to walk another mile when I feel like I can’t. You always eat everything I give you and act like it’s the best thing you’ve ever had, ever. And you? Come up with the best, most elaborate revenge fantasies ever. I mean, an angry monkey in a box? Genius.

So, thanks kid. For giving me hope for men everywhere.

Your old mom


Britmum said...

Oh Chick

Your letter to your son brought tears to my eyes. I felt the same way about boys but aren't they just the best.

I am anxious that we will be raising a girl soon as I don't think girls do all the boys stuff. lol

Hugs to you sweetie and have a great weekend. xxx

julie said...

Not everyone can write a letter containing the word "penis" to their son and make it sound nice. You can.

stepmomof2 said...

Haha, "stinky man" had me literally laughing out loud! An angry monkey in a box? That would be some sweet revenge :-)

Kimberly said...

Okay, that last had me on the verge of tears.

Write a book already.

Anonymous said...

I was cracking up. Until the letter to Boy Child. That brought a tear to my eye.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

An angry monkey in a box! Good God I love your children!

nailgirl said...


Anonymous said...

The dude with the small penis...who never really gets a hummer...probably the Superintendent of some set of schools.

Your son, gorgeous.

Catwoman said...

Would a standing ovation to this latest round of letters be overkill?

Blue Momma said...

Dear Chick,

You rock!


Blue Momma

Emma in Canada said...

What is it with yellow hummers? I hate yellow hummers. Yellow just dumbs them down and they're already pretty stupid looking. No offense to any hummer drivers out there. But they are.

Alpha Dude 1.5 said...

Thank you to Boy Child for proving that there some good men out there.
Thank you to you for noticing.


AnnieM said...

Maybe the onion eating is really just under- arm funk? Does the man need a good shower and deoderant?

Boy child is a awesome kid because of you! I used to not understand it when other moms would talk about a special love they had for their sons. I get it now. I totally get it.

my4kids said...

I love your open letters and honestly the one to your son was the best yet. Kind of how I feel with Izzak at times.

Mamacita Tina said...

Your humor absolutely cracks me up! Great letters, especially the one to your son. I hope I have as good a relationship with my son some day.

frannie said...

awww--- I hope Drama grows up to be just like boy child

Sarcasta-Mom said...

Great post! I was laughing so hard I almost cried. And then, amid all the penis talk, I was touched (and no, not by a penis. lol)

P.S Everytime we're in the car and some guy in an SUV, giant truck, or HUMMER starts being a jack-ass, my husband always screams "Sorry about your penis!" He's a very rare man indeed. lol

Jocelyn said...

I adore your son and your appreciation of them.

I hate Hummer Bastard.

But mostly, I'm left thinking, "Spray-on bedliner?"

Angie said...

I'm thinking that your "tiny wing-wang" dude in the "Compensator-Model Hummer" came out here to Seymour the other day.


Rachel said...

An angry monkey in a box?? Do tell!

EE said...

I have missed your open letters! You rock!!!