Cause you ain't woman enough to take my man.

So recently, we were going to go eat at Big Ed's Pizza. Jason and the children had never been there and it's possibly the most delicious pizza I've ever eaten, ever, and I really wanted to share the experience with my family.

But it was closed that day. Bummer.

So we went down the street to another restaurant. And the waitress? Well, I was pretty sure, almost immediately, that she was trying to get with my husband.

It was weird. I'm not an overtly jealous woman. Frankly, I've told my husband in no uncertain terms that if he ever decided that any appendage of his person would in any manner involve any orifice of another woman, well, she could have his ass. I love him and all, but I'm not fighting for him. If he wants to be with someone else, she can have him. And his beard brush! I'm not dealing with that crap.

So I think he gets that.

So anyway, within moments of sitting down at our table, this woman, our waitress, was opening flirting with my husband.

Openly.

I get that there is some level of that, when you go out to eat. I've seen the waitstaff be especially friendly to the person who will be leaving the tip. I mean, fiscally, that makes a lot of sense to me. I don't begrudge people working hard for their money or anything.

But something about Flakely McWaitresspants was different.

And I said, "Jason. Oh my God. I'm afraid she's going to climb up on your lap or something."

And he said, "Chicken. No wait. What?"

Because, you know, he's clueless. If she DID climb into his lap he'd be all like, "I'll have sweet tea. Thanks."

So then she came back to the table and I was pointing to what I wanted on the menu (I always do that because if I say it and don't point to it? It's often not what I ordered by the time it gets to the table) and she said,

"What a beautiful ring! Is that your wedding ring?"

Let's assess the situation. I am sitting across the table from a man who calls me "baby". I'm wearing a diamond, sparkly ring on my ring finger. There are two kids sitting with us and we're talking about our family trip to the museum.

Clearly this man is my pimp. I mean, duh.

Anyhoo. We chuckle about this. She brings him the wrong drink FOUR TIMES IN A ROW. He is remarkably patient.

Okay, so we're almost done eating and she says to Jason, "Do you know about the Festival? Is that this week?"

Jason tells her he has no idea when it is, as we do not live in this town and don't keep up with such things.

She then says, and I swear to Fred, I couldn't even believe this, "It's really fun. We should go! You could give me your number and we could meet up."

FOR. REALS.

I looked at her and looked at Jason and raised my hands, because, you know, I talk with my hands especially when I am angry and Jason quickly said,

"Me and my wife?"

And she said, "Oh! Sure! We'd have a great time!"

Oh JAY-SUS.

Then she said, "Well, I'll take your ticket whenever you are ready!" Then she quickly walked away before I could say, "WHATEVER PHARMACEUTICALS YOU ARE CURRENTLY UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF BETTER PROVIDE YOU WITH STRONG PAIN RELIEF SISTER BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO FEEL IT."

But actually, I just shook my head and kind of laughed.

Jason said, "Well, she's young and she seemed kind of flaky. Maybe she's just trying to make new friends?"

I said, "OH MY GOD Jason! She's trying to share her communicable DISEASES with you!"

He sighed and said, "Good thing I'm already married to a charming and appropriate woman."



Damn skippy. I could have acted way worse than I did.



But yeah. What the heck is wrong with women thinking they can act like that?