Sunday, February 08, 2009

News to me.

I love newspapers.

Something about them...I don't know what it is. The feel? The smell? I don't know. It doesn't matter. I just love them.

In particular? I love the little, local, hometown papers.

You know what I mean. The ones that have news stories like:

Willis Riley from Booger Creek had the experience of a lifetime last week when he went with his cousins Beulah Mae Ray, Helton Ray, Susie Jo Ray, and Helton Ray II, to Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, TN.

"It was real fun," Willis has been quoted as saying. "I kept hearing the banjo's as I rode The Splash Mountain until I puked up my funnel cake".

Helton Ray II confirmed that Willis vomitted several times but it was still, "real fun".

And engagement announcements that say things like this:

Mr. and Mrs. Bobby Wayne Johnson announce the engagement of their daughter Sharandara LeeRaye Johnson to Mr. Allen Wayne Wilson Jr. son of Mr. and Mrs. Allen Wayne Wilson Sr. The wedding will be at the Beaver Creek United Methodist Church of Holiness on Beaver Creek at 2pm on Saturday. No other invitations will be sent and bring a covered dish down to the VFW for the reception.

And there's always a picture of Sharandara (who appears to be eighteen and is wearing her winter formal) and Allen Wayne Jr.(who appears to be about 30 and is wearing a baseball cap, jeans, and a shirt that says, "I'm with stupid!") which they had made at the Wal-Mart Supercenter.

I. love. things. like. that.

I can't help it, I always have. I love little local news stories about people. I love weddings like that...where the preacher is someone you've known since you were born and he baptised your grandma and your momma and you. Where everyone brings a hot dish and you eat cake that the bride's sister made and you kiss the bride and her baby as you go through the receiving line.

I can't help it. There is absolutely nothing about those papers and those articles that I do not love.

When my publisher asked me for local news contacts that I might be interested in, I was excited. I'll admit it. I'm lame. It doesn't take much with me.

And I giggled at the thought of one of the papers, the smallest paper by far, that would reach my relatives who live out in a place where I can't even get cell phone coverage. And dude. I get coverage everywhere.

The newspaper? The one that seriously, not kidding, for real, prints stories just like the ones that I mentioned above?


They weren't interested. Not in me. Not in my book. Not in my life.

I have never, ever laughed so hard. Ever.

I love my life. Even if it isn't news-worthy to Allen Wayne. Or his lovely wife. Or their baby.


SJ said...

Oh my lands.....

Victoria Dehlbom said...

I'm a guessing too many people visited Dollywood last week. HAHAHA!

Allie said...

It's probably just because it's about to be Spring and that's "weddin' season."
ha ha ha!

Stephanie said...

I remember those kinds of newspaper, mainly because I'm from a town like that. It'll be interesting to see if they want a story about me when the time comes, HA!

Bethany said...

My mother-in-law's name is Buelah Mae! I am so not kidding, it really is!

Before the babe was born and we were trying to think of a name she said, "You could name her after me."

The Big Guy said, "Uh, Mom, we have to send her to school."

We named her after his grandmother instead.

Kimberly said...

We have a newspaper like that here.

The editor probably isn't interested 'cause they didn't kiss you when you were a baby or somethin'. Silly people.

Nen said...

i just read your entire book... i even read some of it outloud to my fiance as he was cooking me dinner... and we laughed together. i laughed more than him since i read the whole thing... but i REALLY enjoyed it!!! looking forward to hearing the story of you and jason in your next book... yes?? (my fiance and i lived 30 mins from each other our entire lives--our schools played sports against each other all of the time... but it took Yahoo to bring us together! i had a few odd online dating experiences as well--but yours... definitely take the cake!)

Sarcasta-Mom said...

That has got to be the best rejection ever. I mean, how many rejections can make you laugh hysterically?

Your story was probobly to much like real news, and the editor, Bobby Rae Bob, didn't know how to handle it.

Karin's Korner said...

I love those articles also. My mom is from McIntosh, MN. When we were visiting relatives about 9 years ago we went into this little cafeteria. Mom was looking at the locat paper when she noticed an article about a lost chicken, last seen running down the alley behind the neighbor's house. Reward: a dozen eggs. NO kidding. Gotta love those small town papers.

Keetha said...

I swannee! That IS something. My hometown newspaper is like those you described - my parents still subscribe to it and my mother saves them for me because I eat them up. That's great. :-)