Monday, June 01, 2009

It's not just a Tammy Wynette song.

Divorce is on my mind.

Before you ask, Jason and I are fine. In fact he gleefully informed me just this past weekend that I was "the best wife ever". I really think I need a crown or something. Or maybe just something diamonds. Just a small token to signify my status.

Probably not.

It's okay, though. We've never been that kind of people.

We get along really well, for the most part, but God knows we have our moments. And I try to avoid stabbing him in the throat when those moments come about. I'm sure he feels the same about me.

Someone dear to me is contemplating divorce.
Divorce is sad to me.

I want to help and I don't know how. Right now I just want to listen and be a good friend. I want to be a good friend. I feel like I lost a lot of friends when I went through a divorce. A lot of people started wondering what, exactly, I had done wrong and why that jackass stopped loving me. They gave "constructive" advice about how I should be better, do better, look better. If I would just do that, then he'd come back to me.

I am better. A lot better, now. Thank you.

He never came back. Thank you again.

I didn't know at the time, but my first husband leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me. At the time? I felt like I was going to die. Literally die. I was miserable and shamed and scorned and I thought my life was over.

But it wasn't.

And him leaving me opened the door for all kinds of things. College and my own house and, oh yeah, that small thing about meeting the guy I was actually supposed to be with.

So I should really thank him, I suppose.

I won't, though, because he was a dickface. He could have been kind and loving and delicate. He was mean and cruel and harsh. There are ways to get a divorce that don't destroy one's very soul and he? Was not concerned about those ways.

It doesn't have to be that way. I think the person dear to me gets it. I know she does.

I try to not to think much about divorce, but it's on my mind.

I just want to reassure anyone who's gets better. No matter what side of the table you are on. It gets better.



Patience said...

Amen to all that!!

[Do we have the same ex-husband??]

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I hate divorce, too. Especially when children are involved.

I've watched a woman go through a horrible divorce and watch her shit-head ex use the kids against her.

It's horrible. I'm glad you came out the other side better. I hope your friend does, too.

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

I can verify this as well!

Kimberly said...

I remember thinking about it once or twice. Wondering if it's really supposed to be this damn hard.

Now, in a better place, I can't help but think that of course it's supposed to be hard. Considering how great it feels to have come as far as we have, I'm really glad it is.

mythoughtsonthat said...

I will do (almost) anything not to be divorced. I know how much it sucks. But sometimes, there is no other choice. Peace.

Cat said...

Divorce, for me, too, was an open door to more than I could have imagined. At first all I felt was fear. I still feel it but it's very different now. I'm thankful!

Oz Fever said...

I am divorced, my pastor told me "God wants you to be happy, and if that means not being with the man that is causing you pain and sorrow, then you need to be divorced" Been over 15 years divorced and It was the best thing I ever did for myself!

M said...

I hate hearing that people are considering divorce. makes sense. Obvious abuse of any way is an easy get the hell away. But the majority of divorces are such a crazy gray area.

I hope whoever it is gets the appropriate support from those around her and makes the right choice. Whatever that may be.

Sometimes divorce IS the right option. Never without a fight, IMO, but sometimes...the fight has been done and all that's left is to move forward.

Cod that idea makes me sad.

CPA Mom said...

Sounds just like my divorce. The best thing to ever happen to me though it felt like the worst! Thank God we didn't have children.


Anonymous said...

It wasn't your fault he was a dickface, and horrible, that is all on him. Your ex-husband and my ex-husband should get together and compare notes! Getting divorced was the best thing that ever happened to me. It's been 2 yrs and Im free and in a much better place mentally! Hugs to you!

Lisa Chelle said...

I think we all have the same exhusband.

My ten year marriage was a tough one to end. He was a superhugeegomanicdickface, with a drinking problem, but the only man I had ever kissed.

I was scared, I lost friends, I had to redesign my life.

Tell you friend you love her, that is the best thing you can do.

I also want to thank my ex husband, I am a better friend, girlfriend and person because of what I went through. I learned what not to do to have a successful marriage.

Cat said...

Although I feel divorce is not always the answer, I follow-up with the fact that it can certainly be the answer to some lives improving.

Yes, the children involved are hurt, and I in NO way am excited about that possibility, but to see so many women admit their lives changed for the better, when in past years it was honorable for women to "suffer" in marriage, is a feel good moment.

I do agree, we all must have had the same ex-husband. :)

It should be known that I never took my vows lightly and I have a feeling those posting here didn't, either. Strange that it can be a one-sided experience for some.

And it's not always the man, either, that creates the frustration!

Completely be there for her and remind her that she's worthy. That was my big issue...I felt unworthy of anything so I put up with it for too long (over 12 years).

We are WORTHY!

Anonymous said...

You've gone through it, so I'm sure you'll be a good friend. Not the kind that stops inviting her to events because you think she'll feel awkward among all couples, but the kind that knows that she would love to be there rather than be excluded. The rest of her life is falling apart, so just be that normalcy for her, and let her know she will still have a place in your life, that she is still loved, that you don't judge her.

And of course, be there to listen. Ask her how she's doing. So many people avoid the subject because they don't know what to say or don't want her to dwell on it. But guess what? It's on her mind whether you say anything or not. So let her know she can talk about it if she wants.

I'm sure you'll be a good friend.