Friday, June 12, 2009

Words fail.

One of my dearest friends has joined the Club.

There is no guide to dealing with this Club. No initiation. You are simply, miserably, thrust into it.

She's had a miscarriage. She's joined the millions of other women in this world, myself included, who are suddenly, painfully, not pregnant anymore.

She and I talked and she said to me perhaps the saddest thing I've ever heard in my life,

"It was just my turn."

Her turn. To lose. To be lost.


It's so not fair. It's so blindingly not fair that it makes me ill.


Because why does it have to be her turn? Why, when she is good and kind and loving and really wants to have a baby? Why is her turn to feel that her body has failed her? Why does it have to be her husband's turn to watch his wife cry? When they did everything they were supposed to do. When she dutifully stopped drinking her morning coffee and took all the disgusting vitamins she was supposed to take. When every day she took walks and kept herself in just the right shape. When she stopped having wine at dinner, months before, just to prepare herself.

She has to lose.

Instead of joining the happy baby club, in which you get to discuss your vivid dreams and how much weight you get to gain and your weird pickle and Wendy's Frosty cravings, she instead joins the miserable little club that no one wants to talk about. The one where you wonder what the hell is wrong with you. And why did this happen. And will I ever be normal. And why God hates you.

Even the words are stupid and angry. Miscarriage. She didn't drop the baby. She didn't misplace it somewhere. It's right where it always was. Inside her heart, which is now broken because life is so damn unfair.

She's lost her baby.

But it's not lost. It will never be.

There are no words of comfort. Everything you say to someone who has lost her baby is inadequate. Even if you've been there. Even if you know, in some small way, how she's feeling.

She, for her part, is optimistic. Positive. It's a blip in the road, and she'll have a healthy baby soon. I believe that, strongly. It's happened for so many of my friends. So, so many. It's miserable and terrible and horrible but you get through it. You plod on. You get another test a few months later and it's positive. A beautiful little plus sign. You get another and another and they all have beautiful little plus signs. You are cautious and optimistic and maybe a bit scared for a few months and then you have a beautiful, rounded belly with a beautiful little baby inside.

I know it happens. It happens for most. I know this.

It all works out. You don't drop the baby this time.


Still. You are forever part of the Club. You wear it like a scar on your heart.


It never goes away.

21 comments:

Anne-Kathrine said...

I'm so sorry for you friend! Hugs to both of you!

CPA Mom said...

wow, what a beautiful post. I hope she gets to read it. you are an awesome friend.

AndreAnna said...

Thinking of your friend.

I am not a member of that Club, and because I know just how fortunate I am for this, it is one of the reasons we decided to have no more children after our two.

I mean, how long can luck hold out?

Like you said, why did I carry two healthy babies when so many others could not?

Cashing in my chips and putting hand in pocket seems to be the best way to cheat fate.

I'm truly sorry for her loss, and for the memory of the loss it brought you.

Jo said...

Being one who is in the Club, my heart is breaking for her (and you of course). Your words made me cry but also let me know that others feel as I do.

The sadness never really goes away, it just hides out and once in awhile it jumps out and yells "BOO!"

Thank you for sharing with us.

Sabrina said...

I am a member of the club. It still hurts on most days

PaintingChef said...

It's not a fun club to be in. And it is so hard to know what to say to someone when they join. Even when you've been there, the words of comfort you want to offer, the words you wish someone had held you close and whispered in your ear while you sobbed uncontrollably, they fall flat. There is no comfort. It becomes part of who you are, a piece of your heart that you will never get back. And no matter how many people are in the club, you feel completely alone. I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. I know her heart is broken.

Little Red Hen said...

You're a good friend Steph, thank you.

Our Moments said...

I'm sorry for your friend and you. I, too, am a member of a similar club. It's called the 'Infertile Club'. Years and years of fertility treatments and disappointments are a similar feeling, I'm sure. I wish your fried the best. It sounds like she has an excellent attitude and will make it through.

Robyn said...

As a member of the Club (that no one wants to be a member of), my heart goes out to your friend.

Currently, I'm 23 weeks pregnant (after a miscarriage previously at 13 weeks) and I can't believe how I have to put on EVERY form the number of times I've been pregnant and then the number of live births. It's sad and it stays sad.

I'm sure your friend appreciates you being there for her.

Maggie said...

Yup, unwelcome to the club. Stephanie, this is probably the dumbest thing I'll ever say to you but... "you sure do have a way with words." (Uhm, hello? DUH?) There - I said it!

This is a wonderful, respectful post that touches the hearts of so many mothers. Thanks for making this part of my day that much more meaningful.

Kimberly said...

Beautiful post, Stephanie. Truly.

One thing I learned from my own experience is that people seem to want to put a positive spin on it. To somehow, with the words they react to the news with, make it okay. Problem is, it's not the sort of thing that can be made okay with words. It's never okay. Better to admit that it's horrible and heartbreaking and give the person a hug. Pretending it isn't a loss doesn't make it hurt less. Sometimes it hurts more.

I love how you've acknowledged the losses of so many women with this one simple post.

Sally said...

That is so sad. She is lucky to have such an empathetic friend, like you.

Amelie said...

Its probably one of the hardest things to live through and you summed it up so well with this.

One year, two months and twelve days ago, I put all of my hopes aside. I'm slowly regaining them, but, its a long, drawn-out process. Thank you for writing this.

Lisa Chelle said...

Thank you for writing this, it so helps to know that you are not alone. I will keep your friend in my heart.

Now that we are gearing up to try again, it's scary. You have no control, but we perserve to the things that we want the most.

Stacy said...

As a member myself, I am so sorry for your friends loss. That is one of the most painful things I have ever had to go through. Let her know that she will make it and that we are all praying for her. One thing we did was give our baby a nuetral name so that we could still talk about it even though we really didn't know the sex. Several years ago for mothers day, my husband had a mothers ring made for me and included an extra stone for ours.

Hugs and prayers to all of us members of a club we never chose to join.

Tamsyn said...

I remember saying to our mutual friend D that it was like joining the suckiest sorority in the world.

It's funny how it still makes me wince sometimes. The doc doing the nuchal scan for my current pregnancy said cheerily 'So this is your third child?' No - third PREGNANCY. The second one would've been due next month.

Dawn~a~Bon said...

I want to hug her forever. And I hope that she does get that happy sign soon, and I hope she finds a way not to worry herself to pieces in the process (if she figures out THAT secret she can sell it and become very wealthy). I know she'll be ok but I wish there were a fast-forward button for her for the next couple of months - I felt like I was at the bottom of a deep hole for quite some time. I'm glad she's got a good friend like you to talk to.

Bethany said...

Yeah, it sucks to be a member of this club. Saying a prayer for your friend.

Bexterrific said...

I am a member of the club too. And I couldn't have summarized it more beautifully if I tried. While it was one of the hardest things I've dealt with, I now have a beautiful, healthy 16 month old. Your friend is lucky to have you. xo

alice232 said...

Stephanie,
I just wanted to chime in and encourage you to submit this for publishing somewhere BIG. Like one of those Parenting magazines or something. Its obvious that you have touched a lot of women with this and more should have access to it.

PaintedPromise said...

i too am a member of that club. it's been almost 28 years but if i open up to it, it still hurts like it was today...

the only blessing for me was, i have a wonderful daughter, now 26, who would not be here if i hadn't lost the first one, as she was conceived two months before the first would have been born if *he* had survived... somehow i am convinced that was the son i never had...

well anyway i agree you should submit this for publishing somewhere that a great deal more of the "club" members will see it!