Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Paging...Doctor McDreamy...

Last night, I left work intent on acting in a leisurely manner.

I drove to the South side of town and picked up my kids.

I drove back out West and paid off my couch. Thrilling! (As a side note, why is it that whenever you pay off something large like a couch, the person taking your payment says, "Now you can buy something else!" Um. No. If I wanted to buy something else in your store, I would have already done so. Why also is it that when you want to buy something like, a couch which costs less than $1000 do they approve you at ZERO PERCENT INTEREST! for $12000? That's clever marketing right there. Also, just because I'm a girl doesn't mean I'm always looking for the next thing to buy. Sexist much, oh saleswoman at Haverty's?)

I then went to the market and took my sweet time looking at chicken breasts. Because my life is just that exciting.

I finally got home around 6:30pm and felt like I had been running around for years. I pulled down my street and noticed that Jason's car was in the driveway.

Now, before you ask, yes, this is unusual. Jason is the manager of a finance company and his job is very demanding on his time and taxing on his brain (and patience) so it is unusual that he's home before 7pm on a normal day. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I don't expect him before 8:30pm because he works "late" on those days.

Well, he's home because he is sick. He is clutching his ear in pain and...okay, I'm admitting it...crying.

I've not really said a lot about Jason's physical appearance, but he is a big, muscular burly bald man with a tattoo. Not exactly the type you would think of a a crier.

He has went to the CVS and purchased some homeopathic eardrops, which are doing nothing to alleviate his pain.

So, at some point we make the decision to go to the emergency room.

Now, we do live in a major city and there are probably six or seven hospitals in our town. However, I am stunned that Jason and I have gotten to the ages of 30 and 31 and do not know basic things such as "Which hospital is closest to our house?" I mean, because seriously? We haven't been to the hospital since we've lived here. I don't think I've went to the hospital since...the year 2000. And you know, thank God for that and all, but it doesn't help when your husband is crying in pain and needs to go to the emergency room.

I had a flash of brilliance and remembered a hospital that I had once seen. Jason said, "Isn't there a hospital on Broadway?" (AKA: 15 minutes closer to our house) Well, I had never seen one there, therefore, clearly, there was not one.

Why we didn't think to, you know, pick up the phone book and look at the street addresses, I will never know. Neither one of us were adults last night.

So we get to the emergency room. I'm not familiar with emergency rooms, but I imagine that most scenarios are the same. Some notable items:

1) Apparently every trip to the emergency room requires a large entourage. Approximately 4-6 people seems to be the norm. You need at least 2 people to complain about the cost/quality of snacks in the vending machines and one or two to complain to the nurse about how they need to "see you". As in shouting to the nurse every time her head pops over the divider, "WHAT'S GOING ON WITH BILLY ROOP? WE'VE BEEN WAITIN' TWO HOURS!" Because shouting makes the whole process go much, much faster. The other people? They are just there because nothing was good on t.v.

2) In order to wait in the emergency room, you must have a loud and annoying cell phone ring tone. Similarly, you must call everyone you have ever known, ever, including your third grade teacher (who might also be your cousin, I'm not sure) to let them know that you had to take whomever to the emergency room. You have to tell them all, "Call me back here in a minute" so that everyone in the emergency room can hear your ring tone and/or you can appear very important. One man who appeared to be about 60 years old, wearing camo pants and a John Deere hat had a ringtone that was Beyonce singing something about, "You know you want to get it, I'll just let you hit it." No, I'm not kidding.

3) The emergency room doctor? She's not your friend. She doesn't like you. She's not interested in what you have to say, at all. This was surprising to Jason, but not so much to me. But I hate most people, so I totally see where she is coming from.

4) Emergency room waiting rooms are breeding grounds for pervs. An old man with six teeth was LOOKING at my daughter and said, "Is that your girl? She's purty. I'd like to get me one of them." Ewwwwwwah. I said, "Um, well, you can't have mine!" and clutched her a bit more tightly.

Finally, we are done. It only took two hours, which is probably some kind of record. We drove home a different way (because there are 30 ways to get everywhere) and about 3 miles from our a big hospital. Um. Whoopsie.

So we go to the drive-thru of the Walgreens and I send in everything through the tube. A car pulls up in the lane next to us. This car has not been tuned since approximately 1971 and is making so much noise that I can't hear anything. The salesgirl apparently felt that this was somehow my fault and decided to be as rude to me as possible. Jason was not helping.

Salesgirl: "I can't hear you!"
Me: "I'm sorry, but the car next to me is very loud."
Salesgirl: "Do what now?"

No, I'm not kidding, she seriously said, "Do what now?"

Salesgirl: "Do what?"
Jason: "Tell her that you have though!"
Me: "They do not CARE that I've had prescriptions filled here Jason!"
Salesgirl: "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

Something inside of me snapped. I turned and gave the salesgirl a look that said, basically, "DON'T MAKE ME BEAT YOU LIKE YOU OWE ME CHILD SUPPORT."

It worked on the guy next to us in the loud car too. He shut his engine off.

The prescriptions weren't ready until 10pm. And thank God for insurance and all because what would have cost us several hundred dollars was only $30.

Get well soon Jason. I can't take another illness. It might kill me.


julie said...

Polly needed a trip to the ER on Sunday night. It was horrible. I can now say, though, they are definitely much more responsive to babies than they are to adults. Of course, it was also not very busy in there, so...

velocibadgergirl said...

Jesus God, woman.

I applaud your evil look of death. I need to get me one of those, for this kind of situation.

SJINCO said...

ER's are horrible. I've seen some scary stuff take place in the ER while waiting for my husband to be seen (he was passing a kidney stone!). I hope Jason feels better soon!

Bethany said...

Hope you all survive! I don't know which is worse- when I'm sick or when the Big Guy is sick & I have to deal with him. Good luck & hope he feels better.

velocibadgergirl said...

PSSST...since you're in the big J.C. today, I'm going to leave you this:

link to a really cool traveling journal project

I think you should sign your uber creative self up for the project.