Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Insane stuff that only happens to me- Part Two

I am having a horrendously bad day. Thus, I am writing today about something that happened to me in approximately April or May of last year. Enjoy.

I've mentioned, without giving out all that much detail (I hope) that I work in a secure facility. Thus, I need to have a security badge. So the guards can make sure that I don't, you know, want to set off a bomb or whatever and I can get into buildings and whatnot.

I had worked at another, similar facility which was less high security and I had a badge while there, so it should have been no big deal whatsoever to go to the badge office and pick up a new one. I was told by the friendly lady at the receptionist desk that it would take 10 or 15 minutes, tops. The friendly lady efficently and politely helped me and pointed me in the direction of the "badge office".

Then, I met Barbara. The badge lady.

I walked over to her office which had a large sign on it that said, "BADGE OFFICE." She was inside, having a conversation on the phone with someone about her mother's surgery. Since I think it's kind of rude when someone walks in your office without being invited (and it happened to me a whole lot of times so that's probably why I think it's rude) I waited outside the door. She saw me standing there yet made no effort to wrap up her personal phone call.

Finally, she completed her call. She hung up the phone, stood up, walked out the door, shut the door and locked the door. She stated to me:

"I'll be right back in a minute. I've got to go down there to the Building XYS and give this here package to Susie Soandso, but if you just stand right here I'll be right back here in a minute."

Okay, she probably could have made the trip and been BACK by the time she said her speech. But whatever. I was patient and I stood, waiting.

Finally, she came back, unlocked her door, had a seat in her chair, motioned me in, smiled sweetly and said, "Can I help ya?"

I said, "Well, I need a badge."

She nodded. "All day long, everybody needing a badge! Badge, badge, badge all day long!"

I looked at the door to verify that, indeed I was in the BADGE OFFICE. I was.

I smiled at her.

She asked me for two forms of I.D. I handed her my drivers license and my social security card.

Now, I have a very unusual last name. Well, it's not unusual in say, Germany. But it's unusual in the United States. And people often spell and pronounce my name incorrectly. I'm used to it and I try to spell my name for people so they don't mess it up. I assumed since I had handed her my social security card and drivers license there would not be an issue with my name.

However, I had underestimated Barbara the Badge Lady.

"I've never seen Wronglastname spelled like this before!" she exclaimed.
"That's because it's not wronglastname," I said politely. "It's mylastname."
"But that's not the correct spelling," she insisted.
"No, it's not the same NAME," I advised her. "See, wronglastname has a D and mylastname had a B."
"I don't want to spell it wrong on your badge," she said, patiently. For clearly, she was convinced that I had no idea how to spell my own name.
"It's correct as shown on my drivers license and social security card," I said, politely. But through gritted teeth.
"Well, that's fine. It's on you if your badge is wrong. You'll be the one who has to come down and fix it, not me."

Then, Barbara told me she would have to take my photograph for the badge. I sat down in the chair that she designated and waited.

"You have a lot of hair," Barbara informed me, as this, also, was something I would clearly be totally unaware of.
"Yes," I said. What else could I say?
"You could get a lot of money for that hair," she said, nodding wisely.
"Um, excuse me?" I said.
"People pay cash money for hair like that," she said.
"I'm not really interested in selling my hair," I explained.

Again, I looked around in case I was in the CRAZY OFFICE instead of the BADGE OFFICE. But no.

As she began to get me into "position" for my photograph and then stated:
"Your hair is not going to fit into this picture."

I said, "Um, I'm sure it will be fine."
"No," she said, dramatically. "NO. You have to look like your picture. If you don't, the guards have guns and they will not hesitate to shoot you."

With my death pending due to the fact that I have long hair, I tried to think of something, ANYTHING that would get me out of the BADGE OFFICE.

So I said, "Um. That's okay."

Barbara the badge lady sighed a huge sigh.

Finally, she processed my badge, all the while talking about the surgery she recently had and how tired it made her and how people bothered her all day long for badges.

She handed me my badge and said, "You can come back by if you realize your name is spelled wrong!"

God Bless you Barbara the Badge Lady. And God Bless everyone who darkens your door.


Debbie said...

LOLOL - Thank-you for the laugh!! The Badge Lady. he he he. Very funny.

Brown Eyed Girl said...

Crzy, crzy, crzy....sheesh.

You seriously could write a book with all the things that happen to you.

Amy W said...

I hope your day gets better. Eat some chocolate, makes me feel better!

Oh, and that lady and the badge lady where I work? Must be sisters. Seriously.

Unknown said...

So, um..I'm thinking to BE a Badge must be as nutty as a PayDay candy bar. My old job? Needed a badge. Badge Lady? Cuh-raazy!! Maybe mine, your's and Amy W's are long lost sisters/cousins?

frannie said...

I love that she thinks the guards will shoot you because your hair does not fit into the picture... you should have asked her how much she would have paid for your hair. You could have solved the whole problem right there and made a buck or two!

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Holy crap, I know that my coworkers think they are in the "crazy office" when I'm sitting her laughing my ass off reading your blog!!!!

Be careful at work as they will not hesitate to shoot you!

BTW, thanks for #26!

Alpha Dude said...

Holy Crap! - where do you meet all these fascinating people?

Wait - are these "government" employees?

Oh boy.

I do hope your day improves greatly.

Real Life in South Carolina said...

How does this stuff happen to you? Oh my gosh, that was hilarious. You handled it way better than I would have. I'm sorry you are having a bad day, but I suppose if you make it out of work without being shot, you can't count the whole day as a loss, now can you?

Alpha Dude said...

Okay, I just noticed that Rachel and I commented at exactly the same time and you got two "Holy Crap" comments at once.

So there you have it. Your day just HAS to get better.


Real Life in South Carolina said...

Oh yeah, for some reason this post took me back to Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum series. SO HILARIOUS!

Little Miss said...

Hope your day gets better! It is hump day and your are halfway through the week Keep your head up!

Love your posts. You have an amazing way with words. You inspire me. Now, get that damn book out so I can read it. lol

Shanilie said...

wacky wacky wacky....some people....well actually, it seems a lot of people these days. You handled it well though. I don't know what I would have done. I usually leave, but then I shoot myself in the foot by doing so because I usually needed to get something done! lol. I think once it starts surprising me so much then maybe I might be able to take it a little better? Who knows.

Ashley said...

I second that you should have some chocolate - as a matter of fast I am having some m&m's for you right now!
Hope your day gets better :)

my4kids said...

OH MY GOSH! that is HYSTERICAL! I am soory you are having a bad day but you know when you can come back and read this again it will be funny. The good thing about the blog is you have a place to take notes for the book! That is to funny about the comment they may not hesitate to shoot you....Oh wow she is crazy.

Sean said...

i take it that you work for a company much like mine? that instead of firing people tries to find "harmless" jobs for them?

Anonymous said...

You are a magnet for the insane of this world. LOL

julie said...

"You have a lot of hair," Barbara informed me, as this, also, was something I would clearly be totally unaware of.
"Yes," I said. What else could I say?

I just laughed so loud at work. People looked at me and I had to make some excuse about it.

Here's what I want to know. Do they go through so many badges that they needed to create a position for someone to work in the Badge Office? Geez.

JUST A MOM said...

Hey it's been a while,(liek you noticed) BUT anyway I was wondering ws this badge lady from the U.S.A.?

PinkCat said...

Oh my that was so very funny. Maybe they hired her from the funny farm. LOL

Take care

dennis said...

Barbara the Badge Lady simply rocks!!!


Anonymous said...

I found it interesting that Barbara The Badge Lady's job is to make badges and she is upset when someone needs a badge! Some people are just simply....crazy!

Anonymous said...


Gerbil said...

I love this. I love it more every time I think about it.