Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Jocelyn's Third Leg*

Three things I am currently reading:

1) Review of Master Profiles for Sanitary/Industrial Waste
2) Management of Sanitary/Industrial Waste
3) Fundamentals of Girl Scouting/ Home Study Course

Three things I am currently singing:

1) Baby’s got her Blue Jeans on (for the Love of GOD WHY?!?!?!)
2) Mr. Roboto
3) I like big butts and I cannot lie

Three things I have said, out loud where people can hear me, in the last five minutes:

1) “Flopsy, Flopsy!”
2) “I have a stick or a leaf, which would you prefer?” (What you call a tampon and a pad if your male project manager walks in)
3) “I’m a slave to the wang.”

Three things I have thought this morning, but not said out loud:

1) If I don't poop soon, it's likely I will explode.
2) I have retained every drop of water I have ingested since 1978.
3) I wish it was legal to run over people.

Three things other people in my office have said this morning:

1) "I need to plan my suicide."
2) One co-worker to another, "Well, I saved the project. AGAIN."
The other co-worker's response, "QUIT DOING THAT!"
3) "These pants show off my whale tail!"

*If you are not reading Joceyln, please explain to me why not. She's way funnier than I am.


Anonymous said...

Oh dear ALWAYS make laugh. Out loud. Sometimes (most times) to the point of ejecting coffee or water from my nose (at least my computer screen is clean!!).

A stick or a leaf? SO SO using that from now on!! A slave to the wang? KILLING me!!

Angie said...

So glad I had swallowed before I got to "stick and leaf!"

Back in my college days, my roommate used to refer to it as "riding the paper pony!"

I still giggle about that every 28 days. . . er, well, my cycles kind of doing what yours is, so I think of it about every other week.


Jhianna said...

"I'm a slave to the wang."


Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Stick or leaf! BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Unknown said...

You crack me up! :)

Anonymous said...

You are absolutely beautifully hysterical.

julie said...

What's a whale tail? Just a big butt?

frannie said...

you are freakin' hilarious! I love that you are a slave to the wang

my4kids said...

haha I loved all of this today! You are great.
Although I now have Mr Roboto stuck in my head!!!

Also I wish it was legal to run over people also...

HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

"Heaven help us, BAAAAYBY'S got her blue jeans awn."

I remember that song.

And Fergie. Speaking of "flopsy, flopsy", have you seen the woman lately? She had something done to her face, and it frightens me a little. I was watching her on Maxim's Hot 100 on VH1 lastnight, and she looked.... off. And orange.

Heathie said...

These cracked me up, so, so much. Though, in hindsight, maybe I shouldn't have laughed at coworker #1. I just automatically assumed he/she was not serious. But I got on a laughing kick and couldn't stop. Thanks for brightening my day! :)

EE said...

"Sticks and leaves"...I like that!!

Anonymous said...

Holy crap. You rock.

We do sometimes think alike.

alissa said...

I think it should be legal to run over people.

That would make me smile.

Probably more often than it should.

shay said...

I'm cracking up over here. Which is good because my kids are whining about the stew I made for dinner. It's gross don't you know?! And why couldn't I make pasta or something good?
I give up!
Oh and i wish I could run people over too! (I probably think about it waaaaaaay more than is healthy)

Emma in Canada said...

A stick and a leaf? That is sheer genius.

And I do read Jocelyn so I would be unable to explain to you someone would not. She's another that makes me want to pee my pants.

yerdoingitwrong said...

OH God you crack me up. Diet coke just shot out of my nose. I'm a slave to the wang.......NICE! heeheeeeeee!

Anonymous said...

LOL hilarious!

AnnieM said...

I also hope you poop before you explode!

Amy W said...

Daily pooping is good...

Stick or a leaf? CLASSIC.

Patiently waiting said...

I've never heard of the stick or leaf thing; I'll have to use that, lol. Thanks for the laugh once again chick. Now I shall commence with the song "I like big butts" running through my head.

mAsOn & tErrI's mOm said...

This was the best RANDOM site I've ever picked!!! I just laughed SoOOo hard!!

Thank YOU!!
Ohh Hi I'm Elizabeth and I'm definitely adding you to my new sites to read!!!

Jocelyn said...

Honey, you are a honey. And you've just made my day.

I have that water retention problem, too. When I was pregnant, I lost about ten pounds in a day after giving birth. It was all water. Except then it came back again. Plus, like, fifty pounds.