Thursday, May 24, 2007

Mixed emotions.

Do you ever have moments in your life in which you are so proud you almost want to hurl and at the same time you are so sad you almost want to hurl?

That was me, this morning.

My son received the "Most Improved Student" award this morning. My little son, who worked so hard and struggled so hard. My little boy who's glasses glinted in the gym lights when he looked over at me and grinned when they called his name.

I cried. Yes, I cried. Fortunately I'm done with that Uristat crap, because I really didn't want yellow-tinted contact lenses. But anyway.

I cried. Because I was so proud. And because I was so sad.

I cannot believe that there are people in this world who had the opportunity to be part of this amazing child's life, and my other amazing child's life, and voluntarily decided not to be.

I wonder if they ever wake up in the morning and feel this longing for these precious little people. I wonder if they ever think, "God, I really messed this up."

I wonder if they even care.

I wonder why I care.

I just don't understand how anyone could know there was a child in the world, a child with their DNA, a child with maybe not their DNA but the love of someone who has their DNA, who doesn't even want to try to get to know that child.

I know I should just feel sorry for how stupid those people are. But today, I felt sorry for my son. Because he should have had more than his momma cheering him on today.

He deserves that.


Lizarita said...

Oh, sister. You should be so proud. Don't worry about those crap-tastic people who choose not to be a part of their lives. THEY are the ones missing out. You and Jason are all they need. I have no doubt that ya'll are giving those children more love than ANYONE could EVER give them.

What I have to say will NEVER change the way you feel.

But I hope it will at least help.

Love you bunches sister!

Anonymous said...

I understand why you feel that way and yes, both kids deserve that.

But....BUT....YOU and JASON are ALL they need. You've done a kick ass job raising those twins and Jason's done a kick ass job being their dad.

I'm with Liz...whatever any of say won't change how you feel, but hopefully it helps.

You ROCK...we love you...those tools that made the choice not to be a part of your children's lives? They SUCK...SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY SUCK!!

M said...

I'm so proud of your son I could scream. He's got a whole hord of internet aunties who would've been there had miles not restricted it.

He is so very loved from all around. It's unfortunate there are people who SHOULD but choose not to (though I'm certain it's not HIM they aren't loving or HER they aren't loving but instead themselves they aren't loving enough to love them.)

I'll never understand it either. But I'm so thankful your children don't have to question it. Because they are loved. And I'm a firm believer in "the more the merrier" is nice ideally? But when the more are shitwads? It's so much better to have a small and healthy environment. Even if it stings now and again to not have the more the merrier.


frannie said...

I am cheering for him!

and you are right- he deserves to have those other people in his life. but I'm not sure I would want them, if I were him.

and it is their loss!!

Bethany said...

I'm cheering for him!

Way to go BoyChild!! All your hard work paid off! Mommy's strange internet friend is really proud of you!WooHooo!!

I would whistle but I don't know how to type that noise.

Denise said...

Yeah those tools are missin out just like my kids own flesh and blood grandpa who lives down the street is missing out. Whoot whoot for the boy child.

Emma in Canada said...

I can't even comment on what family does to children. I'm going through the same thing currently. Blah to shitty relatives, really.

julie said...

Oh, yeah. I know SO much what you're talking about. I really do. Even so, it's so obvious you and Jason are doing such a great job. He's lucky to have a mom like you.

my4kids said...

Way to go boychild!!
I'm sorry those other people don't want to be part of his life. I know a little about that and it really makes me sad. They should want to. Your son is very lucky though to have you for his mom! The fact that you think it even though these people have treated you wrongly proves what a good person you are.

Adventures in Baby Fat said...

DNA Schme-N-A. That really doesn't matter when you have two people that really love you and are you giving you the best world they possibly can. It doesn't matter beyond that.

My biological father chose not to be part of my brother's and my life at the age of 3 and 5 respectively. We were quite okay with this fact, frankly, as we knew he was a great big giant zit on those years of our childhood. He had nothing to offer us and we did not miss out.

My mom then married my stepfather who loved us in his own way. He adopted us, which was nice because a dad we had a dad. But 20 years later, after all of this, he is no longer in our lives, choosing to live a lifestyle that befits that of a confused teenager rather than that of a full-fledged "adult" (term used loosely!).

Even as a 30-year-old, I sometimes have this twinge of confusion. I think, "Hmm. Two dads threw me away. How could they do that?"

But then the real smart part of me that speaks up during important moments like this (but stays quiet for those awkward social situations so I can embarrass myself) reminded me that they did not matter. My mom has more than made up for what we may have lacked for the father figure in our home. As did other family members.

Seriously. We're loved. Really loved. I know that. My brother knows that. We also know that my dad (stepdad) is really screwed up, and that screw up is not a reflection on our value, our worth, or anything about us.

Your BoyChild has a full life of love. You and Jason are enough. Quite enough. It doesn't matter where the love comes from as long as its there. Don't waste thoughts like this on someone that doesn't deserve the thoughts or time or energy. Some people just never know what they're missing, and they don't deserve to know.

(It's midnight and I'm not articulate. Sorry for the lengthy comment!)

Shanilie said...


I wish I could have been there to see that moment. I think it is impossible not to hurt and think about the people not involved in our children's life. I drive myself crazy thinking about it sometimes. Family can be a blessing and a curse. It is hard for me to grasp that I have a father out there who didn't want to have anything to do with me, but the only form of coping I have is to convince myself that he doesn't think about me or miss me in the least. I don't know how he does it, but I wish I could learn how!

Anonymous said...

He sounds very proud to have YOU there...

Congrats on his achievements.

Amy W said...

Congrats to your son, that is awesome!

I am glad I get to know just a little piece of him. As for those who don't, their loss...

alissa said...

What a sad, sad post.

Except that from the sounds of it, I don't think BoyChild is really missing out on anything. Really now, what positives could these people actually bring to his life? More bodies in the crowd? That's about it from the sounds of it.

He is so very lucky that you're his mother. And Jason is his father. Regardless of whose DNA he's got.

CPA Mom said...

WHOOT!!! Yeah Boy Child!! WAY TO GO! Who needs unimportant DNA related people when you have US, strange internet people you've never met? RIGHT ON! xoxo

Brown Eyed Girl said...

Chick...those kinds of rounabout questions could run you pyscho.

The reality is....he has his Momma and his sister and Jason...and ME...always rootin' for him... and the rest of those idiots..truly don't deserve him.

Although I myself go through this all the time....with the questions and the wondering and the crying...

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Way to go Boy Child!!!!!! I bet he was sooooooo proud, as well he should be!

I know exactly how you feel. Exactly. At Kaylie's kindergarten graduation, nobody, nobody from her father's family was there! Not one damn person. But you know who was there? Me, my parents, my husband that she loves and his mother that she also loves. And you know who she didn't ask about? Them.

It's sad, but maybe for the best for you as well as your wonderful babies!

PinkCat said...

Hugs to you Chick. I can understand how you feel. I grew up for the most part parentless apart from my Gran. Your children have you and well you will make it the best for him. Your son will always remember you cheering him on and I beleive that will always be in his heart.

Maybe one day their Dad will wake up and face the real world. Perhaps it will be too late for him to make ammends with his children but maybe because you are raising them so well they will find it in them to forgive.

Take care xx

Debbie said...

Yes, he does deserve it. You're right. I wish those people would step up to the plate for him. I'm sorry to hear that they don't.

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

You're so right about right to try to feel sorry for them. And so right when you get angry about what they're causing him to miss out on.

But you know what else he deserves? A mom who loves him as much as you do. That more than makes up for it, you know. 'Cause so many kids don't even have that. And he does.

Heather said...

Celebrate what he does have and not what he doesn't have. Life is too are all better off not having to deal with those crappy people anyway and all of their can just center your energy, love and time for your own family.

Kelly said...

Congrats on your son's award!! That is a very proud moment for you I'm so sure!! To think of how your son feels...aaww priceless!! so awesome!

SJINCO said...

The people that care the most are there to support him and to love him and to watch him grow up everyday - and hey that's you!

You have a lot to be proud of, and those other people? It's their loss....

Congrats to boy child!