Friday, August 03, 2007

Oh...what you do to me.

Dear Everyone I work with,

You know, I was really wondering why all of you were looking at me so strangely yesterday during the fire drill. You know, when I was raising the roof and talking animatedly with my hands?

This morning, in the shower, I realized I hadn’t shaved under my arms. For a few days.

My apologizes. Even though my title has the word “Environmental” in it I have not gone completely crunchy. I’ve been really, really tired lately.

I have rectified the situation and today will get a what-what without full-on Sashquatch.


Dear Former Friend,

Although we have not been friends in like, 20 years and I haven’t even seen your stupid butt since 1993 I remember that today is your birthday. And that can only mean one thing.



Dear Person at work who is cheating on their spouse with another person at work,

Dude. We all know. You are totally not fooling anyone.

Also? None of us care. If you two want to be that nasty and hurt a woman you’ve been married to for twenty years and have kids with, then there is nothing we can do about it.

Actually, we just find both of you very sad.

And, we make fun of you behind your backs all the flipping time.

So thanks, for that. At least it makes work slightly entertaining.


Dear Sister,

Your baby is really freaking cute. I can’t wait to see her in real life and give her like, 1000 kisses.

Can I take her home? Surely she’s so small you wouldn’t miss her much.

Think about it!

Your Sista-Boo

Dear Other Drivers,

It’s rain. RAIN. It’s not twelve inches of snow. It’s not sleet. It’s not fire, nor is it brimstone. It’s rain.

Really, if you are unable to drive in rain, please consider staying home.

And by driving? I mean, not standing on your brakes as soon as the first raindrop hits your windshield. That’s not actually driving so much as it’s being a huge douche.


Dear Google-users,

If you found my blog by searching for the following:

Towing a trailer in PA do I need a medical card
Exaggerated Maury Show

I’m sorry. You probably didn’t find what you needed here at all.

If you found my blog by searching for, “Jason’s mom is a fat bitch” then well, come on back. You and I could hang.

(Not that I said that. Because I totally didn’t!)



frannie said...

made my morning!

good gravy, I love you!

Anonymous said...

Yup. You rule.

Anonymous said...

My kid wants to know what I'm giggling do I tell him?

Angie said...

You never cease to make my day. . . .and as I began to type this message, "Love Machine" just came on B-97.5

They're playing your song, chick!!

Kimberly Vanderhorst said...

I looooove your letters! Thanks for the pick-me-up!

Real Life in South Carolina said...

One of these days I'm going to be just like you and write little notes/letters to various people in my life. It's gotta feel so good!

my4kids said...

I love love love you open letters, chick!
Says just what I would like to say to people sometimes....I can totally relate.
Are you gonna be able to post a pic of the new baby?

Anonymous said...

On craptastic days like today? You make me smile and laugh. For that? I heart you more than Target AND shoes today!!

Alpha Dude said...

You are totally freakin' awesome.

And you crack me up.

Happy Friday to you and have a fantastic weekend!


Anonymous said...

You so rule my funny bone.

I'm going to miss you next week when I'm on vacation, because a week without Chick, is a sad week indeed.

Julie said...

Ok, the Jason's mom comment made me spit out my soda. Now I must clean off my screen.

Stacey said...

Dear Chick,

I win, because I realized a few days ago, in public, in a tank top, that my big-pregnant-forgetful ass only shaved under ONE arm.

Crazy mama

Jocelyn said...

You didn't ruin it by shaving the hairs, did you? Really? 'Cause if you kept growing them out, really nice and long, eventually you could braid them and put beads in them and stuff.

Just an idea.

dennis said...

I was going to comment about your post but I have to comment to jocelyn

yuuuuuuck! LOL

ok the beads might save the entire look.

SJINCO said...

.....A thousand miles seems pretty far, But they've got planes and trains and cars, I'd walk to you if I had no other way. Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know, That none of them have felt this way.

I love that song, about as much as I love your open letters. The last one had me in stitches! (Sorry Jason!)

Twisted Cinderella said...

I love these! thanks for making me laugh out loud

EE said...

You made my day...
thanks for the laughs!!!!

Rachel (Crazy-Is) said...

Dear Chick,

You totally rock my shit!



Ashley said...

“Jason’s mom is a fat bitch” - BWWAAAAAAHAHAHA :)

HeatherAnn Fragglehead said...

Your co-workers make me want to hurt myself.