Dear Everyone I work with,
You know, I was really wondering why all of you were looking at me so strangely yesterday during the fire drill. You know, when I was raising the roof and talking animatedly with my hands?
This morning, in the shower, I realized I hadn’t shaved under my arms. For a few days.
My apologizes. Even though my title has the word “Environmental” in it I have not gone completely crunchy. I’ve been really, really tired lately.
I have rectified the situation and today will get a what-what without full-on Sashquatch.
Dear Former Friend,
Although we have not been friends in like, 20 years and I haven’t even seen your stupid butt since 1993 I remember that today is your birthday. And that can only mean one thing.
YOU ARE OLDER THAN ME. HAHA!
Dear Person at work who is cheating on their spouse with another person at work,
Dude. We all know. You are totally not fooling anyone.
Also? None of us care. If you two want to be that nasty and hurt a woman you’ve been married to for twenty years and have kids with, then there is nothing we can do about it.
Actually, we just find both of you very sad.
And, we make fun of you behind your backs all the flipping time.
So thanks, for that. At least it makes work slightly entertaining.
Your baby is really freaking cute. I can’t wait to see her in real life and give her like, 1000 kisses.
Can I take her home? Surely she’s so small you wouldn’t miss her much.
Think about it!
Dear Other Drivers,
It’s rain. RAIN. It’s not twelve inches of snow. It’s not sleet. It’s not fire, nor is it brimstone. It’s rain.
Really, if you are unable to drive in rain, please consider staying home.
And by driving? I mean, not standing on your brakes as soon as the first raindrop hits your windshield. That’s not actually driving so much as it’s being a huge douche.
If you found my blog by searching for the following:
Towing a trailer in PA do I need a medical card
Exaggerated Maury Show
I’m sorry. You probably didn’t find what you needed here at all.
If you found my blog by searching for, “Jason’s mom is a fat bitch” then well, come on back. You and I could hang.
(Not that I said that. Because I totally didn’t!)